TALES OF RANMA AND RANKO: OUR WEDDING DAY -------------------- Ranma 1/2: "Our Wedding Day" Fourth of The Tales of Ranma and Ranko by Lady Tesser and Jack Staik -------------------- Chapter One Nabiki and Ranko nodded to each other as they sat down to breakfast. Neither of them was a morning person, not to mention they'd had trouble sleeping. The reasons they had trouble sleeping came in, arm-in-arm, fresh from their wedding night. Akane was positively *glowing*, and Ranma had the most incredibly smug grin on his face. "Ick," Nabiki commented. "Ugh," Ranko chimed in. They made little other comment as Mr. and Mrs. Saotome sat down. "This feels odd," Akane stated. "Don't it, though?" Ranma said. "No old farts." "I still half-expect to see that damn-fool panda waddle in here and try to steal our breakfast," Ranko added. "And Daddy buried behind the paper, too," agreed Nabiki. Kasumi sighed, gazing at her family as she served breakfast, humming to herself. "Strange, isn't it? We just kicked Father out of the house, and I feel rather calm about it. No qualms whatsoever." "Because he was a swindling, lying, deceitful bastard?" Nabiki said. Kasumi nodded. "Yes, I believe so." Everyone noticed Kasumi even appeared to be more cheerful than usual. Perhaps dating that pain-in-the-ass Jiro Hibiki (formerly the pain-in-the-ass Pantyhose Taro) was good for her. Nabiki and Ranko looked on as Ranma nuzzled Akane. Nabiki snorted in disgust. "If you two are going to breed, could you at least do it upstairs? Some of us are trying to eat." "It's our house, oneechan," Akane mentioned. "We'll breed where we darn well please. Right, anata?" "Did someone say something?" Ranma said, gazing into Akane's eyes. "I was too busy looking at you to notice." Akane smiled and kissed him gently. "EWWWWWWW!!!" Ranko and Nabiki commented, dashing from the room. Kasumi sighed. "Newlyweds." "Actually, oneechan," Akane said, "We were thinking of an actual ceremony - a proper one, without maniacs and mobs of weirdos showing up." "Just for family," Ranma said. "Besides, I want Akane to have nice memories of her wedding - not just signing papers in a clerk's office." "Oh, that's nice," Kasumi agreed. Ranko and Nabiki dashed in. "Can we help?" "I could help you with your wedding kimonos," Ranko suggested. "And I could send invitations, and collect the wedding gifts -" Nabiki began. Ranma and Akane glared at her, the force of the glare shattering Nabiki's glass of orange juice. "- or maybe I could just mix punch for the reception." "When will the ceremony be?" Kasumi asked. "Summer holiday begins in two weeks," Akane said. "That would be perfect." "I can plan the menu," Ranma said helpfully. "I'm a good cook - BWAAAK!!" Akane smiled lovingly even as she pulled on his ear. "You, my baka and One True Love, are - as you're so fond of pointing out - a *guy*. All you do is stand at the altar and look decorative. Weddings are a *girl* thing." "But it's the only wedding I'll ever have!" he protested. "Can't I help a little?" Akane released his ear and looked thoughtful. "Well, we can use you as a model for altering kimonos -" <ZOOOM!> Nabiki shook her head. "Some things never change." "What about the guest list?" Ranko asked. Soon, the Tendo and Saotome women were hip-deep in wedding plans. * * * * * * * * * * "Oh, wonderful day! Oh, happy day!" the Goddess Benzaiten cried out, pleased with herself. A promotion would probably be in order for her work on the Saotome boy and Tendo girl. O-Kuni-Nushi smiled indulgently at her as she danced around. "What a fine little mess You made, my dear Benzaiten-san." "Oh?" She paused, locking eyes with him in surprise. "What have I done wrong, oh, Great One? I thought You would be happy in Your pairing of the physician-sorceror and the sister of my Saotome boy?" "Little One, there is more going on than You know - and Eryala's big mouth didn't help matters - " "Oh, that succubus!" she exclaimed. "I could just wring her little neck for revealing everything!" "Unfortunately, she is not in Our 'jurisdiction'," the Senior Deity explained. "But You still have not taken care of a few of Your other pets." "Which ones?" "The ones who still oppose the union of the Saotome boy and Tendo girl. They *will* come back." She sighed. "They always do. What shall I do, O-Kuni-Nushi- san?" He smiled gently. "If You are old enough to get Yourself into trouble, You are old enough to get Yourself out of it. To rise in the Divine Ranks, You must be able to take care of what problems develop from Your works. As of now, everything is going according to plan. However, the presence of Jealousy, Fear, and Misunderstanding will eventually manifest." "In other words: the usual," she murmured. "I don't remember being like this when I was a mortal teenager." "These children are special. They have the potential to become Gods themselves if they choose to. That's why it is the hardest project to be taken upon by a Goddess as young as Yourself." She blushed in flattery. "I shall correct it, then." "Acceptable." He turned as if to leave, then faced her again. "And Benzaiten-san?" "Yes, Great O-Kuni-Nushi-san?" "Do not, under any circumstances, speak with a fellow called Random." She noted the nervous tone her Senior had in conjunction with the name, and knotted her fine brows in puzzlement. She knew of no God called 'Random', and such nervousness couldn't be caused by a mortal. "Why is that?" "Please don't." "Yes, Great One." * * * * * * * * * * Shampoo, now Matriarch Xian Pu, was whirling around the kitchen in morning preparation frenzy. Her newly-named adopted son Conditioner switched between giggling and crying in his back-carrier. Rose Petal returned from her morning exercises (translated: went to beat on her father Ichiro Hibiki), gazing in admiration as Shampoo cooked and Ryoga packaged the delivery orders in assistance. They moved like dancers, transforming food preparation into a ballet with food flying through the air. It was especially amazing since Ryoga had been helping just a short time. But he handled the kitchen work as if he'd been practicing it all his life. "{Anything I can do to help?}" she asked. Shampoo smiled in relief. She handed her new employee a map of Nerima with various locations marked on it. "{You can deliver these orders Airen just packed.}" "NANI??? {How the hells do I do that?}" Shampoo paused to lead her out back and show her the notorious Bicycle of Death. "{On this. It's the best transporation, and it's well- balanced and aerodynamic enough to not have to use the streets. I often use rooftops.}" Rose Petal nodded, snapping her steel-edged fan out and grinning. "{I shall not fail you, Matriarch.}" "{Thank you. Get going, but take your time to know the neighborhood. And watch out for Stick-Boy - he's becoming quite a pest.}" "Stick-Boy?" she repeated as Shampoo tossed the packages of ramen out to her and slammed the door shut. * * * * * * * * * * Sasuke was impressed, he had to admit. The young master managed to bound effortlessly up to the roof of a two-story building, and run at amazing speeds. His new skills were quite impressive. In fact, his new skills were the only thing keeping him ahead to the mob of nuns (Christian and Buddhist, with a sprinkling of Shinto temple maidens) that were now pursuing him, various instrument of death and dismemberment in their hands. "KILL THE PERVERT!!" they cried. "DIE, PANTY-THIEF!!" Sasuke shook his head, then hefted his bags over his shoulder. No way could he stay around here - Kuno had become just too damn weird. (He didn't even want to think about the Cantaloupe Incident - brrrr.) Perhaps he could find employment with that nice Nabiki Tendo girl. Kuno dashed ahead of his admirers, attracted away from their holy callings by his amazing virility. Alas, while their wholesome female energies strengthened him, he must save his strength for his wooing of the fair Ranko. He spotted a wholesome blonde girl ahead, dressed in a daisy motif. A last burst of energy to outrun his admirers, perhaps. Ina was startled when a strong hand reached around her waist and grabbed her breast. "SWEETO!!" a male voice cried. Ina screamed and pulled away. Turning quickly, she saw ... what had to be one of the weirdest persons she had ever seen. And he had an overflowing bag of *panties* in one hand and a bokken shaped like a ... OHMYGOD!!! "Small, but nice," Kuno commented. "'More than a mouthful is a waste,' as the Master wrote. I thank thee, fair maiden, for thy gift," he said holding up Ina's bra. He looked at it oddly. "Vinyl?" "You - you PERVERT!!" she cried, her eyes blazing. "Only Ono-sama can do that! EXPLOSION ARRAY!!" The eruption of the pavement was seen up to half a kilometer away. Kuno, however, was knocked out by the shockwave almost immediately. So when he landed just a few meters in front of his pursuers, he was (unfortunately) unconscious when they started beating on him. When Kuno awakened, he was saddened that his recent trophies had been taken ... especially the one from the Daisy Maiden. "HOLD!" Kuno exclaimed. "She did say 'Ono-sama'?? Obviously yet another helpless maiden held by the foul sorcerer. And he even used magic to keep me from her! But I shall save her!" He thrust his bokken into the air and struck a heroic pose (utterly spoiled by what he'd carved his bokken into). "So swears the Blue Thunder!" * * * * * * * * * * This was the place. A Holy Quest was nearing completion; in this place called 'Nerima' would be found the Godslayer. They would find the Godslayer, and a New Age would begin. "Soon, brethren! Soon our Faith shall be rewarded! The Destiny of our people and the Destiny of the Godslayer shall be joined!" From the assembled fanatics there came a cheer. * * * * * * * * * * "Oh, yeeeesssss ... " Ranko gasped. "You like that, my love?" Tofu cooed. "Oh, I can't stand it anymore! Please!" "Please, what?" "Please do with me as you will! I must - *gasp* - have - *moan* - you, Ono!!!" "Yes. Ko-sama! Let me feel your femaleness embrace me in hot need!" he cried. "Ono?" "Yes!" "Ono?" "*moan*" "Wake up, you dip!" Doctor Ono Tofu awoke with a start as a splash of cold ice water presented itself in his face. He gazed around in blurry morning vision (heightened with near-sightedness) as he felt for his glasses. "Ko-sama? Er, Ko-chan?" He shoved his glasses on and found his (fully-dressed) true love leaning over him, an empty glass in her hand and smirking gently. "And *you* told *me* to take it slow, darling?" He cleared his throat, blushing, and sat up. "Hey, how'd you get in here?" She grinned, letting the key hanging off a neckchain around her neck dangle in front of his eyes. "You gave this to me last night, remember? The key to your private apartment. I just wanted to know something." "Yes?" "Will you be my date to Niichan and Akane's wedding?" He chuckled, wrapping his arms around her and nuzzling her neck. "I'd be delighted." "Not 'let me feel your femaleness embrace me in hot need'?" she asked, wiggling her eyebrows. He blushed deeply again and she giggled, kissing his forehead. "You have a perverted subconscious, but I love you anyway," she said sweetly. "The wedding's in two weeks. I'll keep your calendar clear." * * * * * * * * * * Ranko went downstairs and did a bit of straightening up behind the receptionist's desk, humming happily all the while. (He called her 'Ko-sama' in his dreams!) As she did, the newly repaired door to the front opened. "Hello, may I help you?" she said, then got a good look at the person who had entered. "Oh, Sophia-san!" she continued very loudly while pressing the intercom button to the upstairs apartment. "Darn, you just missed Tofu-sensei - he had a house call!" "Oh, my! I can't believe I missed him *again*! My widdle- bitty heart is just broken all to pieces!" She sobbed a bit. "Oh, fudge!" she gasped, then blushed. "Oh, pardon my bad language!" <Ick!> "Oh, well, you can always try later!" Ranko offered, waving her hand toward the door. "Don't worry - Ranko, isn't it?" Ina Sophia said, smiling in a sweet and generous fashion. "I'll just wait here!" "Um, here?" Ranko knew there was only one way out of Tofu's apartment - straight through the reception area. "Oh yes!" she giggled sweetly. "We'll get to know each other! We'll make lemonade and swap recipes and paint each other's toenails and do each other's hair and have a really super-duper peachy-keen time!" <Ono seriously expects me to believe *this* is a closet dominatrix?!?> "Er - uh -" "Gosh and golly, that's swell!" Ina said. Ranko gulped, letting her shirt slip off her shoulder and expose a black bra strap in disbelief. * * * * * * * * * * A rapid fire knock pounded on the door of the Hibiki house. "Damn you, bastards!" Jiro mumbled. "Let a guy have some peace, for Gods' sakes!" Ichiro closed the door of the guest room where his eldest son slept and dashed down the stairs to the front door. On the other side was Doctor Tofu, panting and panic-stricken. He pressed in and shut the door, locking all the locks attached to the door and dragging a hall table in front to barricade it. He then proceeded to hide behind his friend. "Um, Ono?" "Yes, Ichiro-san?" "Does this have to do with my daughter?" "Not at all. Remember Ina Sophia?" Ichiro chuckled. "The little girl from Medina with the fondness for daisies." (Ichiro had met the girl once, and found Tofu's description ludicrous; no doubt his friend was just trying to keep her for himself.) "Hai - she's found me! Ko-chan warned me and I managed to escape out my window." "Uh ... huh ... " Hibiki Senior stated slowly. "Listen, Ono- san, if this is a bizarre way of you telling me that you don't want to date Ranko, you should tell her, not me. I'm only her biological father." Tofu blinked in confusion. "Um, Ichiro-san, can I just hide out here until Ina leaves?" Ichiro nodded. "Of course, old friend. Whatever you say. Excuse me." He quickly went to the next room. As Tofu continued to barricade the door, he found himself annoyed by Ichiro's braying laughter. * * * * * * * * * * "NO, AND STAY OUT, YOU REPROBATE!!!" Genma was quite surprised when he landed face-first in a pile of fish. Not because he landed in the pile of fish, but because his dainty and submissive wife had thrown him bodily out of her house through the hole in her garden wall (created by Ranma a few days before by accident). He spat out a flopping fish and looked up to see Soun Tendo stare him down with the sulk of sulks upon his thin face. "This is all your fault, Saotome!" "How the hells is it *my* fault, Tendo??" "For taking her son away for ten years, for swindling her out of her trust fund, for making her believe her father hated her when he died." "Don't forget, Tendo, we *both* planned on taking that inheritance of my son's - " "He's not your son, remember? Your wife had an affair while we were on mission." "How do you know he's not mine??" Genma got up in his best friend's face. "Because you can't get your wife pregnant while you're on mission, stupid! No wonder your son couldn't bed my daughter - you kept him as stupid about sex as you are!" "Your daughter is a bull-dyke - GWAAAAAAAKARGLEBARGLE!!!" Soun tightened his chokehold on Genma's throat while the bald man flapped his arms in balance, sending both tipping backward and into a canal. A large panda sprung out of the water, holding a screaming Soun over his back. Genma-panda hit him with a sign spelling out <Shut up, you!> then spun around to read <We're both screwed on this.> "You're right, you're right, Saotome," Soun crawled up and sat on the panda's shoulders. "But what can we do?" The two co-conspirators thought, Soun on the panda's shoulders, the panda standing in the canal. "I HAVE IT!" Soun cried. "We should *break them up*! We might be able to save our billions yet!" Soun saw it in his mind: <AKANE, crying, leans on SOUN.> <AKANE: Oh, father! I am so sorry I kicked you out! Please come back and stay with us and I'll divorce Ranma, get a huge settlement, and let you handle the money matters from now on!> Genma thought about it: <RANMA, crying, leans on GENMA.> <RANMA: Oh, how horrible! She never loved me! From now on, I'll trust only you, my wise, kind, all-knowing *true* father! And I'll even give you all the money!> The panda nodded, both heading back to Nerima. DISCLAIMER: Yada, yada, yada ... you think makin' this stuff up is easy? -------------------- Our Wedding Day - Part 2 By Lady Tesser and Jack Staik -------------------- Kasumi answered the door. "Why, hello, Auntie Nodoka," Kasumi said cheerfully. "Have you come to see Ranma and Akane? They went shopping, but should be back soon." "Good morning, Kasumi-chan," Nodoka replied. "Actually, I came to see several people. Is Ranko or Nabiki available?" "Nabiki's upstairs. Ranko-chan's at Doctor Tofu's office now." "Is she working?" Kasumi shook her head. "She and Tofu-sensei are dating. They frequently spend time together." "Oh, that's wonderful!" Nodoka said. <Now she won't be in her brother's bed!> As the two women sat down, Kasumi pulled out her sewing kit. Nodoka watched as Kasumi resumed some elaborate embroidery work. "What are you working on?" Nodoka asked. "It's a new sash for Jiro-kun," Kasumi answered. "During his quest to get his name changed, he used to wear - pantyhose," <blush> "- around his waist which he could use in combat, but since his name-change he's just been wearing a plain white sash." Kasumi held up the elaborately-embroidered red sash. "This is made of a strong artificial fabric like the ones Ryoga uses, and it's weighted on the ends. Jiro-kun should be able to use it quite well." Nodoka nodded approvingly. Kasumi would make a marvelous martial artist's wife. And her relationship with Ichiro's eldest boy seemed to be progressing by leaps and bounds. Nodoka sighed. "You seem to be getting along so well with Jiro ... why did it take so long for Ranma and Akane to find each other?" "People were pressuring them," Kasumi said, "and they don't like being told what to do. Besides which, they were both terrified of the other rejecting them. They were both so lonely for so long." Kasumi sighed. "At least Akane had us, and Ranma had Ranko." "Now Ranko has her young man," Nodoka replied. "Does Ranma object to that?" <It wouldn't do for Ranma to become jealous.> "Oh, a little. You know how close those two are." Nodoka did a double-take. "You knew??" <She knew about their relationship?> "Of course. Ranko always confides in me," Kasumi answered. "I knew before anyone else. It came as a shock to the rest of the family." "I can imagine." * * * * * * * * * * Ryoga gave Conditioner a bath in the oversized sink in the back of the Nekohanten. He studied the infant, being careful with the child's head and delicate limbs. He still couldn't completely convince himself that he held the being once known as Happosai the Perverted. He vaguely remembered the battle during the typhoon at Ucchan's; how he saw Happosai change forms into a young man from the cursed water he drank at Ranma and Akane's botched wedding. He remembered Happosai had grabbed Ranko, trying to drain her energy. Then Ranma grabbed both, causing a living ki link between the two siblings. (Ryoga wasn't sure what exactly happened, but it was the only idea he could grasp as a possible explanation.) Happosai was a conduit for their energy, receiving concentrated ki from both sides of both male and female principle. In essence, he thought, baby Conditioner was Ranma and Ranko's child. Ryoga chuckled. "Come on, Kondishonaa. Time for Youba-chan to feed you." Yet, Ryoga wondered what his part in the whole scheme of things was now. His signature ki blast was now usless to him; since he began his medication, he no longer felt the depression needed to fuel it. In fact, his whole well-being was now in Perfect Balance, not given to extremes in any emotion. He sighed, debating what he could use now. He stared down at the baby in his arms, and the idea began to form. * * * * * * * * * * The seige continued ... Ina had all but taken over the doctor's office in preparation to meet with her 'Ono-sama' at her best. Ina had decided to sew up and iron all of the good doctor's shirts. Unfortunately, the doctor's receptionist was buried somewhere under the pile up of clothing. Ranko stared at the blonde girl who was humming happily to herself while wearing soup can-size rollers in her hair, the very incarnation of domestic bliss. "Ya'know ... " Ranko commented, "There *is* such a thing as being *too* girly ... " "Nonsense!" Ina replied in complete assurance. "One can never be too female or too domestic." Ranko groaned, slamming her fist up to clear the shirts off of her. "I'm sorry, Sophia-san, but it looks like he's not coming back right away." "Oh, he has to soon! It's almost lunch time," she giggled, twirling around to the stairs up to the apartment. "I'm even drawing little pink hearts in his rice!" "Great Gods," Ranko muttered, rubbing her shoulders as she shivered. "What a loon." Ranko made her way over to the front door to make a getaway, then found a frilly apron wrapped around herself. "Uhh!" she grunted as the air was forced from her. "Come on! We can make lunch together!" <Ranma, be grateful Akane-chan isn't like THIS!> "Uh, Sophia-san? What are you doing with all those ribbons and the curling iron?" "I'm going to do your hair, silly! It'd just look so a-DOR- able in lots and lots of lollipop curls!" "AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!" She tried. She tried her damnedest to escape the incarnation of C-Ko Kotobuki's sickeningly sweet sister. But that damned frilly apron was tied pretty tight. The female once known as Ranko Saotome closed her eyes in complete and utter terror. * * * * * * * * * * "Ugh," Ranma grunted from under the pile of packages. "C'mon, Ranma," Akane said, a note of irritation in her voice. "You never grunted so much when we went shopping before!" "You never bought so much before!" he gasped. "I'm buying fabric and designs for my wedding gowns, as well as my attendants," Akane explained. "Besides, I never had a literally unlimited budget - it's quite the rush." "Oh great - the whole thirteen billion's gonna be blown on wedding gown designs!" Akane playfully swatted Ranma in the back of the head as she guided her husband to the front door. Opening the door, Akane was surprised to find Nodoka and Nabiki going over some thick books. "Auntie Nodoka!" Akane exclaimed. "What brings you by?" "Hello, Akane-chan. And hello, Ranma." Nodoka smiled warmly. Ranma allowed the packages to drop on the sofa with a loud thud. "Hiya, Mom." "Is it true what Genma said? You and Akane have wed?" Ranma nodded. "Yeah," he said, blushing. "But don't worry," Akane added. "We're having a big wedding celebration for the family in two weeks. Shinto fashion." "But Genma ain't invited," Ranma said pointedly. Nodoka nodded. "He and Soun attempted to move into my home, but I kicked him out." Her face darkened. "After what he made me think of my father - of what he did to you - I don't want him in my home." She took a deep breath. "Which is part of the reason why I'm here." "Eh?" Ranma asked. "I'm divorcing Genma." Akane and Ranma nodded. "Good," they said together. Nodoka continued; "I came to ask Nabiki for advice - she handled things with the executors of Father's estate so well that I figured that she could aid me in this." "And we found so many grounds for divorce as to be sad," Nabiki interjected. "Desertion, fraud, abandonment, child abuse, several others." She smiled in an evil fashion. "But Auntie Nodoka's being nasty, and decided to use the worst one." Ranma and Akane looked in askance at Nodoka. Nodoka smiled. "Non-consummation." Ranma and Akane facefaulted. * * * * * * * * * * "What about your patients?" Ichiro asked. Doctor Tofu sighed. "I should be able to take care of this, right?" "Of course, you dip!" Jiro snorted. "You shouldn't let some little girl drive you out of your place. Be a man!" He rolled his eyes. "Sheesh." "You don't know her like I do!" Ichiro just smirked. "You think she's still at the clinic, lying in wait for you?" <Pathetic.> "I don't know; may I use your phone?" "Of course." The doctor located the telephone in the kitchen and dialed up the clinic's main number. It rang. Meanwhile, Jiro and Ichiro broke out into an argument over the proper way to eat rice - although both methods involved certain uses of Martial Arts Eating. <Ring.> Tofu tapped his foot against the cabinet, counting the seconds between rings. <Ring.> <Come on, Ko-chan! Are you there? If she's done anything to you ... > <Ri - > "Moshi-moooshiiiiii!" "Yipe!" he squeaked, recognizing the voice as *not* Ranko. "You want to see Tofu-sensei? I'm so-so-so sorry, but he's not here right now! Would you like me to take an itty-bitty message?" "Um ... no," he mumbled and hung up. "Ichiro-san, I'm going to need your help." "Yes?" "Call and ask for Ko-chan." The Hibiki patriarch nodded soberly and dialed up the number Tofu gave him. <Ring.> "Moshi-moooshiiiiii!" "May I please speak with my daughter Ranko?" "Okey-dokey! She's right here." In the background: "Ranko- san, it's your father!" "Give me the phone!" a voice cried. "Ichiro-papa?? Otosan??" Ranko said meekly. "Yes, Ranko-chan?" "HEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLP MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" "Oh, why are you all upset?" said Ina's voice faintly. "You look SOOOOO pretty!" "What's she doing to Ko-chan?" Tofu whispered. "Something horrible from the sounds of it," Ichiro whispered back. To Ranko, he said, "Listen, your brother Jiro and I are going to pick you up." "Fine, good, great, just get me the hells out of here!" From the background, "Aww, Ranko-san, you just said a very baaaaad word!" Ichiro hung up the phone, ashen-faced. He turned to Tofu and stated quietly, "If she hurts my daughter, I'm going to have to do something quite rash." Tofu nodded. Ichiro grabbed Jiro. "Hey, what the [CENSORED] are you doin', Oyaji?!" The three men raced out of the house. "Helping your sister!" "Which one? Have I met her?" * * * * * * * * * * Meanwhile, on a tramp steamer in the Sea of Japan, a very old Amazon Matriarch stared into a scry bowl of water. In the water (actually in her Mind's Eye), Ranma worked with his wife on an exotic ki technique, a variant of the legendary ki-ryu-to. <Amazing ... he saw the technique just once, briefly, when he was fighting for his life, and now he works on variations customized for specific individuals.> She shook her head in amazement at the boy's talent. <He was so easy to underestimate before, when he was a confused boy in over his head with romantic problems. As a secure, self-assured man, his true ability is easy to see.> She exerted her will, and the image changed to Ranko Saotome, her hair done up like Shirley Temple, a pink frilly apron over her dress, and a look of utter misery on her face. A perky-looking blonde girl was serving her tea. Nearby, some stuffed animals sat, each with their own cups of tea. Cologne chuckled; she knew that the version of the Warrior's Code the Saotome siblings followed would not allow Ranko to simply pound the (non-combative) annoyance into meat paste. Silly of them - that blonde girl needed killing; she was so *intensely* anti-Amazon as to make Cologne's stomach churn. The raw potential of the two Saotomes was immense. And, according to the sorcerer-physician, they could breed safely. If they produced a child, it could easily be the mightiest mortal warrior ever born. And, either as a husband or an adopted Amazon warrior, such a one would only benefit the Amazon bloodlines. Of course, Nerima was technically Shampoo's realm, and the Saotomes merely associates of the Amazons. They were outside of most of the Laws, and Cologne's influence. But that also removed many of the limitations on her actions. Before, the Laws prevented her from directly tampering with Ranma's mind or heart via magic; that would have invalidated the claim, as well as invoked horrid penalties (Shampoo's attempt to use hypnotic mushrooms merely caused a physical reaction, a small loophole). Now, since only non-Amazons were involved, no such limits applied. Carefully, Cologne took out a small envelope and removed two hairs; one black, one red. It took a great deal of stealth to acquire them from their unknowing donors. She opened the 'Big Book of Amazon Magic and Household Cleaning Tips', read the instructions, and brought out the equipment and ingredients. It would take three days to reach the Northern Shadow Port; within that time, she was certain, Ranko Saotome would be carrying Ranma's child. And since the Japanese have taboos about such things, it would be a simple matter to get them to relinquish custody and have the child adopted into the Amazon tribe, perhaps by Shampoo and her young man. Cologne smiled as she made the preparations. * * * * * * * * * * Liitak gazed down from the rooftop at the streets of Nerima. "It is almost time, My Lady," he said to the Lady to whom he'd sworn eternal loyalty. "The Godslayer's home has been found, and we prepare the Ritual of Joined Destiny. Soon, a new Golden Age shall dawn upon the world." The woman was clad in the deep purple nun-like robes and habit, her unseen face draped by a veil of modesty so that no ] man could gaze upon her flesh. The maiden Aga, called the Violet Dove of Peace by her unwanted followers, looked at Liitak through her veil with sad eyes. "It seems so ... wrong, somehow." "Trust me, My Lady." Liitak said soothingly. "Your powers of Peace, combined with the Godslayer's powers of War, will complete the circle of Yin and Yang, of Cosmic Balance, and bring a new era to this strife-torn world." She sighed. "Ending strife and want for the world, helping others ... everything I've lived for since my creation." She shed a single tear. "If it means I must bind myself to a violent warrior and let him ... use me, then it will be worth it." Liitak lowered his head. It grieved him to see the Violet Dove suffer so. Her sweet voice expressed her better than a face ever could. "Rest assured, My Lady, it will serve a Holy Purpose, a Greater Good." * * * * * * * * * * "Would you like some tea, Pikachu-san?" Ina asked the stuffed Pokemon toy she had brought to her tea party. "Um, Sophia-san?" "Call me Ina." "Ina, please can I go home?" "It's impolite to leave when someone invites you in for tea. A very fine custom over in Europe." She poured a cup for the Pikachu doll, setting it next to the cake and cookies in front of it. English tea service was so much more informal and more fun for her. "Ranko!" "Hey, imouto-chan!" "Ko-chan!" Ina's eyes widened at the last voice; the stars began to pulse and shine even brighter in her eyes. "Ono-sama!!" she cried out, jumping up. Jiro and Ichiro were first in the room. Jiro was the only one who hit the floor in gaffaws at finding the redhead in the girliest look he had ever witnessed (but he wasn't the only one who wanted to break into laughter). "You die, oniichan!" Ranko replied. Ichiro only let his jaw disconnect in disbelief, believing she was being tortured but finding this instead. "Ono-sama, you came back for me!!!" Ina shrieked, glomping onto the poor doctor. "GWAAK!" he replied, being squeezed around his chest rather tightly. Ranko broke out of the apron and took action in the first way that came to her - she pulled a mallet out and connected it to Tofu's head while exclaiming, "ONO NO BAKA!" Ina watched in horror as he collasped on the floor. She turned to Ranko and asked in a sweet-cold voice, "Why did you hit my Ono-sama?" "Reflex, gomen," she murmured, blushing. <After all those times Akane walloped me and Ranma like this, you'd think I'd know better ...> "You - you - MEANIE!!" Ina cried. "FIREBALLLL!!!" It was hard to tell who was more surprised - Jiro and Ichiro for witnessing it or Ranko for being on the receiving end of it. Either way, there was a hole in the side of Tofu's clinic with a smoldering redhead plastered on the wall of the house across the alley. <And I was holding myself back??> she thought as the restraints on her temper slipped off. Ranko slid off the wall and cupped her hands. Both Hibiki men grabbed Tofu's unconscious carcass and skedaddled out, yelling in panic. "DOKO RAKURAI!!!" Ina created her own hole in the wall as she was blasted out the opposite end of the clinic. As she pried her way out of the Ina-shaped hole, she glared across at Ranko. "Normally, I wouldn't stoop to violence ... but you hit my Ono-sama, ruined my tea-party, and GOT MY FAVORITE SKIRT DIRTY! THIS MEANS WAR!!" "Fine by me, blondie!" Ranko snarled. Ichiro and Jiro watched as the two females ran into the clinic, then their finely-honed martial artists' sense of danger made them flatten themselves on the ground. Just a second before the clinic was annhiliated in an explosion of preternatural force. Jiro glanced up at the rising mushroom cloud. "That time of month?" he asked. Ichiro, in reply, smashed his son's face into the pavement. Tofu came to and gazed in silence at the wreakage of his clinic. In the middle of it stood both ex and new loves of his life, somewhat dazed but recovering quickly. "Ono-san?" Ichiro whispered. Tofu inhaled sharply and waved his hands together toward both women. "ERECT SHIELD!" The debris surged up of it's own accord between the two, separating the battling women. "What do you two think you're doing??" he cried out. "STAY OUT OF THIS!!" they yelled back, the force of their shout knocking all three men off their feet. Ichiro looked at his old friend with an awed expression. "I'm sorry for thinking you were a pathetic wimp, Ono." "And I apologize for thinking you were a weenie," Jiro added. He gave them a puzzled look and replied, "I'll find out what that means later." Then back to the women (both trying to walk around the wall to bitch-slap the other): "Will you two please calm down?!?" "That top-heavy tramp started it!" Ina said. "At least I *have* something on top, you flat-chested little loon!" "I'm extra-petite! And Ono-sama seemed to like what I've got that night in the Budapest hotel!" Ranko's battle-aura erupted into the sky, making the sun appear to dim. Birds became silent, and the clouds skittered toward the horizon in fear. "YOU ... YOU *SLUT*!!!" she roared. * * * * * * * * * * Miles away, at Tokyo University, a seismograph suddenly pegged as a Richter 9.8 earthquake was registered in Nerima. * * * * * * * * * * At the Tendo Dojo, the Saotomes and Tendos pulled themselves out from the wreckage of the roof that had collapsed on their heads. "What was that?" Nodoka asked. Ranma sighed. "Ko-chan ... it's almost that time of month." Akane took a moment to pound him face-first into the ground for knowing another woman that well (even if she was his sister and they were in the same body once), then headed toward the source of the eruption. DISCLAIMER: The disclaimer has been cancelled. Have a nice day. -------------------- Our Wedding Day - Part 3 By Lady Tesser and Jack Staik -------------------- Ryoga strapped Conditioner to his chest in an improvised sling (since the carrier was custom-made for Shampoo's build, and his build didn't even approximate hers). He filled his backpack with baby items - <Who the hells knew I'd ever be doing *this*???> - and grinned as the baby giggled to himself. He knew he would enjoy being a father. The last few days with Shampoo and her son changed his mind about ankle-biters in general, as well as the pipe dream of having his own flesh-and-blood children. He wanted to be a father someday. He felt more complete in some mysterious way. Shampoo could grant him that. Shampoo ... Broad thighs, nice bust, sweet smile, tender soul, strong, smart, loving, beautiful, sexy, compassionate, understanding, desirable. He smirked to himself, letting his mind wander, not noticing that he'd left the Nekohanten. Shampoo would put the baby to bed and then they'd talk and cuddle for a while before he went to sleep on his futon. Ryoga had grown fond of her, liked her a lot. But loved? Did he love her? He mulled over it every evening after she said good night. Of course there was the physical reaction, lust. Then again, he enjoyed her company even when there was no lust. <What a funny word. A bit much for the real feeling ... sensuality, mayhaps?> He felt comfortable with her in all ways. Is that what love is supposed to be? He had to talk to someone who knows what love is, to give him advice. Ryoga wasn't surprised he ended up in front of the Tendo home, even though he had planned on just taking the baby upstairs. He wanted to talk to Ranma about a few things anyway. The main gate fell off its hinges as he entered the yard. "Konnichi wa?" he called. "Is anyone still alive?" Around the wreakage, he found Ranma and with Kasumi and Nodoka cleaning up as much as possible before the contractors arrived. "Musta been a hell of a party," Ryoga remarked. Ranma shrugged, grinned, and greeted his brother. "Tofu's old girlfriend met Ko-chan. The clinic's gone, everything else is just collateral damage." Ryoga nodded. "I wondered what the explosion was. Was anyone hurt?" "Tofu's ex-girlfriend is beat up pretty bad. Ko-chan's at a maximum level of piss-off - Akane's trying to calm her down, if that's any indication." Ryoga grimmaced. When *Akane* was considered suitable for *calming* a person, that was bad indeed. "Does Shampoo know you have the baby?" "I'm looking after him while she takes a nap," Ryoga sat down on a rock in the Tendo yard and looked around. "I heard you finally kicked Genma out." Ranma sat next to him. "Yeah. Akane-chan and I kicked the Old Men out and took over the place. By the way, you and Shampoo are invited to the wedding." <piku-piku> "Wedding?" "Akane-chan's and mine. Technically, we've been married since last night, but we're having a ceremony for family and friends." Ryoga smiled both sadly and happily. "I'm glad for you two. She needs somebody like you, man." "Arigato. What brings you by - besides dumb luck?" Ryoga traced his finger over the infant's head. "It's this thing with Shampoo." "'Thing'??" Ryoga chuckled. "I don't even know what to call it! I live with her, we go out on occasional dates, we talk and share things ... I don't know." Ranma nodded. "Sounds familiar." "She considers us engaged." Ranma gave a small laugh. "Sounds *very* familiar." "How did you finally know? About Akane?" Ranma smiled a sad smile. "When we were both utterly desperate, at rock bottom, about to give up on each other and ourselves, we reached out and found each other." Ryoga played with the baby's hand. "I'd like to not have to go that far." Ranma put an arm around his half-brother's shoulder. "Well, Akane and me and Ko-chan talked about this stuff a lot, and through all the crap, and I found two things that are *true*." Ryoga looked at Ranma expectantly. "First - love is when you're happy just because she is. And second - it ain't 'if you can stand being with them', it's 'if you can't stand being without them'." Ryoga looked puzzled. "Is this supposed to mean something?" Ranma smiled. "Hard-won wisdom, buddy. When you understand it, you won't be confused anymore." Ryoga shrugged. * * * * * * * * * "Grrrrrr..." Ranko fumed. "You're upset," Akane said sympathetically. "Gee - whatever gave you that idea?" Akane considered dumping another bucket of water on the redhead, but the first one just evaporated without even activating her curse. She might have to do it anyhow - the cushion Ranko was sitting on was beginning to smolder. "Back-up plan," Akane muttered, and went to the kitchen. She returned a second later with Nabiki's stash of rocky-road ice cream and a bottle of chocolate syrup. The chocolate seemed to have the required calming effect. Soon, Ranko had told her sister-in-law all about what Tofu had divulged about the mysterious Ina Sophia. Akane smiled. "Are you jealous?" "YES!" Ranko yelled. "I am insanely jealous! I am scared to death that this hussy who's sweeter than Kasumi and wilder in the sack than a mink in heat will steal the man I love! There! Happy now?!?" "Wow ..." Akane said. "I didn't expect you to just - say it." "When you've spent most of your life as a disembodied thought," Ranko explained, "You tend to start meditating on your own nature. Being completely honest with yourself is a side-effect." "Do you love Tofu-sensei?" Ranko took a deep breath. "I think I really do love Ono. But this woman - she knows him, and she taught him magic, and they - the two of them -" Ranko began getting angry again. "The bitch *BRAGGED* about it!" She took a huge scoop of ice-cream and shoved it in her mouth. Akane sighed, remembering how she felt when she thought all those other girls who glomped onto Ranma were also in his bed. Those were just delusions of hers, things that she used to keep him away in her mind, things she *knew* she made up, and they still made her cry herself to sleep. She was a child then, immature and frightened. Now the time of her own belated maturity was upon her. Akane pushed Ranko's hair back from her face. "What are you doing?" she asked. "Taking care of you like you've always taken care of us," her sister-in-law repiled, chuckling. "What shall we do with the body *after* we kill her?" Ranko laughed bitterly, stabbing her spoon into the ice cream. "Don't tempt me, oneechan, because I *will* kill her - dead! Three times over! And another three just to make sure." "Imouto-chan, you said yourself that he doesn't want her back. He said he's scared to death of her." "So? She's still after him." She breathed deeply, followed by short breaths and a sob. "She's his equal in every sense of the word, how can I compete with *that*?? She's had *experience*!" Akane internally sighed in relief; that was all the proof she needed to know that nothing happened between her and Ranma on any intimate level. (Not that she was worried, no not her, not at all.) "He doesn't want her," Akane pointed out. "He wants *you* "Sure," Ranko wiped her eyes. "That's why he left me to fend for myself when she came to the clinic." "He left you??" the dark-haired girl exclaimed. Images, feelings, of Akane's long-dead crush on the doctor briefly surfaced. Her ideal of him was as a protector among other things, and this broke everything she ever believed of him. Yes, he *did* leave Ko-chan alone with the girl, knowing full well what the girl was like. Ranko only broke into fresh tears, hugging Akane. "It's not going to work, it's not going to work. I'm supposed to be alone forever." "Oh, that's crap," Akane replied, holding her. "Maybe Doctor Tofu isn't The One. It's not the first time with him, that's for damn sure." The redhead sniffed. "Well, maybe they deserve each other, then! Miss Betty-Hentai-Crocker and Doctor Crap!" The overwhelming effect of both battle and chocolate filled her system and Ranko cried herself to sleep in Akane's lap. <Of course she's scared,> Akane whispered, stroking Ranko's hair. <This is the only other guy she's loved besides Ranma and he's being pursued by some weird girl he used to have a relationship with - one that makes her feel inadequate. Been there, done that.> "Poor Ko-chan," she whispered. "You still have Ranma and me, imouto-chan, whatever that's worth." She believed the girl was not going to let go of the doctor that easily - the stubborness in their blood was going to make sure of that. She just had to get over the shock first, that's all. * * * * * * * * * * Doctor Tofu had the unconscious Ina Sophia taken to his associate Doctor Matsumoto - "And make sure you keep her under strong 'medication'." - and proceeded to rebuild his clinic using mysterious means and assistants. It was dusk when he finished. There was no sign of Ranko, and Tofu became worried as the hour of her arrival passed. <ring-ring> "Moshi-moshi?" "Kasumi-chan? Is Ko-chan okay? She's not at work." Kasumi sniffed. "She is not feeling well, Tofu-sensei. She has a headache and a backache and about every other ache because of your ex-girlfriend." <CLICK> Tofu pulled the phone away, laying it back in its cradle. Ranko was mad at him - with reason, he admitted. His display this morning was pathetic, unworthy. He'd have to make it up to Ko-chan. Perhaps some nice flowers ... The door chime announced the entrance of several persons. He turned to find Ranma, Akane, Ryoga, Nabiki, and Nodoka in the lobby. All had serious expressions, all stared at him with cold eyes. "Yes, may I help you?" he asked nervously. Ranma slammed his fist into his palm, asking, "You left my sister alone with that loony ex of yours?" "And you did nothing to help her?" Akane added, cracking her knuckles. "My best friend is *not* a person for you to shrug your problems off on," Nabiki stated. "How could you mistreat my daughter so?" Nodoka inquired. "You're going down, doc," Ryoga summed up. Doctor Tofu gulped. It was going to take a lot more than flowers to apologize to Ranko for his cowardice. A hell of a lot more. But first he had to get out of the room alive. * * * * * * * * * * "Sasuke!" Kuno called out. "I require your services!" Kuno's voice echoed in the empty house. "Sasuke!" he yelled. "I require you to aid me in cataloging my trophies!" Kuno put down the bag of female undergarments and looked in the usual places where servants could be found. He was somewhat mystified at one room, until he figured out that it must be the kitchen. "Strange. Where could my faithful manservant have gone?" Kuno finally spotted a note on the table in the entry-hall. "Ah, no doubt a missive from one of my numerous admirers," he said to himself. "How odd. Usually, my admirers are far too awe-struck of my greatness to write me." Kuno opened the letter and read; [Master Kuno;] [I have faithfully served the Kuno family for thirty years, as did my father and his father and his father before him, a bond stretching back over one hundred years.] [Now I must dissolve that bond and depart.] [Originally, the hobbies and eccentricities of the Kunos were mostly harmless, but your recent activities have moved into the bizarre and unnatural. Therefore, honor compels me to leave your service.] [Sasuke Sarugature] Kuno was stricken. "My loyal manservant, companion of my childhood - gone?? How??" Then the thought struck him with a loud thunk, echoing inside his skull. "Of course! The evil sorceror Tofu must have bewitched him, in hopes of learning my secrets!" Kuno bounded to the window, his weapon in hand. "Fear not faithful Sasuke! I shall defeat the sorcerer and end your degradation at the villian's hands! *And* free my precious Ranko from his perverse spells!" He turned back inside. "But first, I have to catalogue my panties." * * * * * * * * * * The head doctor of the Nerima Hospital mental ward sat down with the therapist, a patient, and a visitor. One was Ukyo Kounji, the patient they had under their care due to a nervous breakdown. The other was her friend named Konatsu Kunoichi who had been Ukyo's only visitor. Ukyo had her hair tied severely back from her face, clad in the hospital ward's pajama-like tunic and trousers. Her face was serious, a little tired, but more at peace. Konatsu was dressed in a pretty kimono, his hair tied up with an attractive bow. He was treated as she, but he didn't mind at all. He fussed over Ukyo, prompting the staff to call him 'Mother Hen'. "Well, Ukyo-chan," the doctor commented. "I am impressed with your recovery. From the stress related to school, your job, and personal problems, it was no wonder you ended up as you did. You should be congratulated, though, for your success." "Arigato," Ukyo replied. "Konatsu has been helping me in understanding things as well." She smiled warmly at the ninja, and he blushed. "That's wonderful. Izumi-san has informed me that she believes you are ready for out-patient treatment now." "Hai," the therapist confirmed. "I recommend you be released now and go back to work for the Summer before you resume classes again. I'm asking that you come back here for therapy sessions with me twice a week at first, then we'll have it once a week." "Was Ukyo-chan ever on medication?" Konatsu asked. "No," the doctor stated. "My evaluations concluded there was no need for it, just intensive therapy." "I needed it," Ukyo agreed. "It's straightened me out a lot." "As it was intended. Now, let's get the paperwork done for your release." A few hours later, Konatsu and Ukyo walked to a boarding house he was staying at a few blocks away from the hospital. He had brought her usual clothing of custom-made kimono and tight trousers, which she forlornly dressed in. "Konatsu?" "Yes, Ukyo-sama?" "Can I borrow your clothes until I buy new ones? I don't think I like dressing like a guy anymore." He blinked, taken aback by this. "Are you sure?" "Yes," she replied, taking her hair out of the band and shaking it out over her shoulders. "I've finally accepted I'm a girl." Konatsu nodded, hugging her. "I always thought you were beautiful, whether dressed as male, female, or whatnot." Ukyo hugged him back, laying her head on his shoulder. "I wasted my childhood on petty vengance." <sigh> "Wasted so many years ... and treated you, my only friend, so poorly." Konatsu shook his head. "You've treated me with more respect and kindness than anyone else had in my life. I don't deserve such a wonderful person as you as my friend." "Listen. I have some money saved up. Why don't we move into another restaurant and start over again? Different name this time, just you and me working as partners. I'll increase your pay to minimum wage and give you a real bed and we can have dinner together ... " Konatsu's eyes widened: she may as well have been describing the luxuries of the highest wealth. "Are you sure we can, Ukyo-sama?" "Of course!" she smiled. "We'll be happy together, Konatsu." He blushed prettily, hugging her waist tighter. "No more chasing after Ranma Saotome, either?" Ukyo sobered and nodded. "I've accepted that I never loved him, that Akane Tendo loves him - and he loves her." She paused, waiting for the familiar rage well up in her gut. It was only a flicker of uncertainty, then became silent. "I must apologize to both, but not now. I just want to have a quiet dinner and sleep in a nice bed." Konatsu weaved his fingers shyly in hers, and said, "Then let's go." * * * * * * * * * * "The Godslayer is alone at last!" "Are you sure it is the Godslayer?" "In his female form, my Lady." She sighed. "Retrieve him. But please be careful." * * * * * * * * * * Kasumi was meditating in the dining room like she always had whenever she was alone in the house. She had just gotten done with redecorating Akane's room for Ranko to move into (Spartan in concept, but comfortable) after she woke up. The redhead was sleeping in the living room so Kasumi could watch over her. Fitful dreams made Ranko toss and turn all that afternoon. A heartbeat caught Kasumi's attention. It wasn't a familiar one. She quietly leapt up and dashed to the kitchen for her own weapons. Normal prowlers knew not to bother with the Tendo place, but out-of-towners still had to be taught. It was only by his heartbeat that Kasumi was able to track the person's movements - they were as silent as darkness. She heard soft cat-like steps on the porch. She stood still in the doorway, waiting for the moment. The dark robed figure moved toward Ranko, pulling the blanket off of her and about to round his arms around her sleeping form - at least until she rolled out from under him, putting up a defense in her sleep as Ranma had always done. The potential kidnapper softly breathed, "Huh?" as his victim twisted out of his grasp. Then released a yowl of pain right after the clang of a cast iron skillet made contact with his head. Kasumi lifted it up and smiled sweetly, "And what do you think you're doing?" Liitak gulped, pulling out a pair of nunchakus. "I have to retrieve the Godslayer for my Lady." "There are no Godslayers in residence here, I'm sorry," Kasumi yawned, blocking the nunchakus with the frying pan. He tried his damnedest to defeat the woman, but she seemed to have a difference about her, to be something more that what she appeared to be. "Will you allow me to leave here with the Godslayer Ranma Saotome?" he asked. "Of course not, silly. He's married to my sister." <Oh, boy, that's not good; but a minor problem at the moment.> "Then who's that on the floor?" "His sister," Kasumi replied, untying her apron and whipping it at him, binding it around his face. As Liitak attempted to pull the apron off, he felt a dainty foot connect with his backside, sending him flying off the porch and into the air. "Oh, no, not again," he muttered. Kasumi set the skillet down and brushed off her hands. "As if we need anymore problems with weird men around here." She smiled; Ranko had slept through the whole thing. Liitak allowed his wings to whip out, slowing him down as he tore the cloth from his face. With mighty beats of his great white wings, the phoenix warrior flew back to his Lady, to report on his failure. PART 4: SEE SEPARATE FILE DISCLAIMER: I deny it! And I deny that, too! And that other thing? I deny it as well! -------------------- Our Wedding Day - Part 5 By Lady Tesser and Jack Staik -------------------- Nabiki waved good bye to Conditioner as she left Ryoga on the doorstep of the Nekohanten. "Take care of Lost Boy there, or you won't see Youba-chan until you're sixteen or something." "Hey, I'm getting better!" Ryoga replied. "Sure, sure. So long!" Ryoga turned and discovered Shampoo standing in the doorway, an expression of mild piss-off on her pretty face. "Hi, Shampoo," he grinned, scratching the back of his head. "Sorry I'm late." She snatched the baby from his carrier and held the infant tightly against her chest, murmuring and cooing over him. After making sure Conditioner wasn't traumatized, she turned to Ryoga and swatted him with a newspaper. "BAD AIREN!" she chastized. "BAD AIREN! BAD BAD AIREN! You know where you going?!" "The highway to hell?" he asked, shrunken under her wrath. "{No! You're going to sleep in the stockroom!}" Ryoga was shocked. He'd been sleeping on a futon in her room - something about an 'old Amazon custom'. He felt like he was being kicked out. After all, the stockroom was where *Mousse* used to sleep, and Shampoo despised Mousse. Ryoga spent the next half-hour or so trying to locate the stockroom, briefly stopping at a quaint inn in Marsailles for some take-out bouillabaisse. Once at his destination, as he lay down his bed-roll, he thought about Shampoo's anger. Would she trust him again? Would she reconsider wanting him around? Would she kick him out? Ranma's words came back to him ... <it ain't 'if you can stand being with them', it's 'if you can't stand being without them'.> He'd lived without Shampoo most of his life ... surely he could live without her again ... couldn't he? He didn't know the answer to that, and was afraid to find out. Ryoga spent the rest of the night staring at the darkness. * * * * * * * * * * Cologne stared into the water, seeing the Saotome boy and his girl, sleeping in each other's arms. Excellent; the activity they'd just participated in would make him highly suggestive. [Ranma felt Akane's strong hands grabbing his wrists, pushing him down. Her tongue probed his mouth, and her pelvis ground against him. He was pinned down underneath his wife, and he felt helpless and wonderful.] [He felt the joining, the gripping, and moaned as the sensations overwhelmed him.] [He looked up in the half-light ... and saw Ranko.] [She was sweating and moving, groaning in pleasure. He briefly wondered how she'd taken Akane's place, but was soon drowning in the sensation, the building feeling ...] Ranma's eyes snapped open. The light from the window was just enough to illuminate Akane's features. He briefly wondered if he should go to Ko-chan, but guilt shoved that thought out of his head. Besides, the *Need* was upon him. He roughly forced Akane onto her back. The activity awoke her. "What are you doing?" she asked. "What does it look like, Hentai-chan?" he said in a deep voice. She smiled a nasty smile. "Okay, Otemba-kun." She grabbed him and rolled over, pinning him under her. "Now, naughty boy," she said, "You're gonna learn to do it *right*!" * * * * * * * * * * Ranko pushed the covers off, finding herself in a strange bed. She felt around until her eyes focused on a digital clock reading just past ten in the evening. She had been sleeping all afternoon and evening and then this ... *dream* filling her mind. Ranko wiped the sweat from her forehead, stumbling up and out of the room, discovering she occupied Akane's old room. She looked and listened up and down the hall - Nabiki either not home or asleep, Ranma and Akane doing Naughty Things in their room (a twinge of jealousy rippled through her) - and most likely Kasumi being the one in the bathroom. She crossed the hall and entered the bathroom, hearing Kasumi hum to herself. She joined in the melody to announce her presence as she stripped out of her sweat-soaked skirt and shirt and entered the bathing room. "Hello there, sleepyhead," Kasumi chirped. Ranko stuck her tongue out in distaste. "How can you stand being so damned perky?" The eldest Tendo daughter giggled. "You're the one who's perky." Ranko looked down, blushing, seeing the after-effects of the dream still holding her flesh captive. "About that ... " She turned the hand-shower on full blast cold water, letting it soak her completely into male form. Ranko-kun started shivering as he turned the water off and went to scrubbing himself. He looked up to see Kasumi with bugged eyes, seeing the male- form so casually displayed. "Kasumi-chan?" "You think Jiro's got that ... THAT??" She looked dowm; it seemed that the effects of arousal carried over between forms. Ranko-kun facefaulted between blushings. "Well, I've seen Ryoga - seems to be a family trait." He chuckled. "No wonder Ichiro's got such a track record." "Just wondering ... maybe I was too hasty in pushing Akane and Ranma together." He nodded, grinning, and continued, "You're the only one I trust completely here, that knows everything ... " He stopped, giggling. "What is it?" Kasumi asked. "Something occurred to me - would Jiro kill me if he found out I was in the bath with you while I'm in my male form?" Kasumi blushed and giggled. "I have no objections," she replied. "Still ... " he chuckled, entering the furo. He disappeared under the water for a moment as Kasumi marveled at the change in genders through the water. Ranko broke through the water, catching her breath and leaning back against the wall. "Kasumi-chan?" "What is it?" "I'm really mixed up right now." Kasumi leaned back, nodding. "Talk to me, Ko-chan." "After what happened with Ono and that freaky ex of his ... and him not helping me ... and then Niichan and Akane ... do you know that they're Doing It right now?" "Yes. The same thing they were doing last night. Nabiki kept hitting their wall and telling them to quiet down. Rather distracting." Ranko nodded, staring at the water. "I'm ... I'm jealous." "Jealous? Of them being together?" "Of Akane having Ranma." Kasumi digested this. She had known for ages that Ko-chan was in love with Ranma, that she wanted above anything to be his and keep him safe from everyone forever. Both knew it was impossible, for so many reasons ... now, after weeks of being apart, the need was presenting itself again. She had hoped that Doctor Tofu would distract Ranko from interrupting Ranma and Akane's courtship until the two were ready together. It was that time, but the Tofu distraction only worked for a few days. "You want Ranma-kun for your own again, hm?" "Not just for my own; to love him! To share flesh! To be his lover in all aspects of the word as we once were!" Ranko inhaled deeply, sighing. "But never the twain shall meet. In a sense, I also envy that mirror slut that copied our female form." "How?" "She tried!" Kasumi giggled. "She also called Akane 'Fat Girl' - as well as kissing Ryoga, beating up our fathers, kidnapping Ranma, and generally raising havoc. Not to mention scaring Father by greeting everyone while only wearing an apron." Ranko cracked up. "I *loved* that look on his face! Wish I thought of it." Kasumi sobered and asked, "So what made you decide you wanted Ranma-kun again?" "Lonliness? A naughty dream that woke me up because of its intensity?" Her mouth made a crooked smile. "Emotional vulnerability because of that four-eyed geek's past?" "Akane will kill you. She was suspicious before and now she's just accepted that nothing ever happened between you two." "What am I supposed to do, Kasumi?" she cried, ignoring the door opening. "Go up to Akane and say 'Oneechan, I'd like to pick up where Ranma and I left off'?" "Oh, dear," a female voice commented. Ranko gasped, turning to see Nodoka in the doorway, ready to join them in the bath. The older woman was as white as a sheet, having just overheard the last sentence. "Nodoka, it's not what you think - " Ranko began. "No, it's none of my business," Nodoka shook her head. "I'll let you two talk - " "Don't be silly, Aunt Nodoka," Kasumi stated. "Come back in and join us. We were talking about Doctor Tofu." Nodoka appeared to accept this explanation and went to attend to her own cold water scrub. "What a cowardly male!" she commented. "Leaving you like that! Don't worry, we made short work of him." "Huh?" Ranko asked. "Oh? Kasumi hasn't told you? Your brothers, Akane, Nabiki, and I went to talk to him - " "Not 'talk', Aunt Nodoka - 'beat up'." Ranko blinked. "You guys ... went and ... " "We left him conscious," her mother replied, slipping into the furo. "Mostly." Ranko stood up, furious. "HOW COULD YOU?!? HE'S *MY* BOYFRIEND, AND *I'M* THE ONLY ONE WHO BEATS HIM UP!!" Nodoka looked flustered. "Actually, Ranma didn't think you'd mind -" <ZOOM!!!> <CRASH!!> Nodoka and Kasumi looked at the Ranko-shaped hole where the door formally was, and privately thanked their deities that they were on the opposite side of the house from the soon- to-occur bloodbath. * * * * * * * * * * Ranko kicked the door in and stomped up to the bed. "RANMA! HOW COULD YOU?!?" "Um ... could we ... discuss this later, Ko-chan? I'm kinda busy now ..." "No! Akane - let him up!" "No!" Akane grunted. "I'm not - UH! - finished!" Ranko picked Akane up off her brother (causing a sucking sound) and tossed her on the other side of the bed. "HEY!" the couple exclaimed. Ranko dragged Ranma out of the bed by his ear and out in the hall. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? TRYING TO TAKE OVER MY DAMN LIFE???" she yelled. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT???" he shouted back. "Nodoka just told me you guys went to beat up Ono!" "Yeah, he deserved it!" Ranma stood up to his full height, trying to dominate her into backing down. She refused. "That's my job! Not yours! I can take care of that bastard myself!" Something else also happened; her body reacted to the fact they were both nude, both fighting, and Ranma was still ... oh my. She felt the throbbing between her thighs, reminding her of the dream. <If I weren't so hell bent on proving my point, I'd trip him and do something like Akane was doing ... > Ranma gazed down at his sister, noticing things that he'd never have noticed before Akane; signs of arousal. She was as turned on as he was. He briefly had a thought of pushing her down and finishing what he'd begun with Akane. Akane, meanwhile, somewhat annoyed at being interrupted like that, was approaching Ranko from the side, with a HUMONGOUS mallet. "YAAAAAAAHHHHH!!" Akane commented calmly. <WHAM!!> went the mallet. "GAAAHHH!!" Ranko commented in return as she found herself waist deep in the first floor when she had been on the second floor just a half-second earlier. Kasumi looked out nervously. "Is it safe?" Nodoka asked. A nude Akane stomped toward the stairs, a large bokken in hand, saying Very Unladylike Things concerning Ranko, the bokken, and what she planned to do with it. "*I'm* not going out there!" Kasumi said, pushing the washer in front of the former door. Ranma hopped through the floor and pulled Ranko out of the hole where she was still looking around in a daze. "Ko-chan - Akane-sama - STOP IT!" he said, trying to get between the two women. Ranko saw a figure approach with a weapon, and her training took over. Akane saw the person who had interrupted her during a Very Personal Moment with her husband, and wasn't hearing anything but a roaring noise in her ears. Akane and Ranko swung at the same moment, connecting with Ranma's head and kidneys, respectively. He fell like a stalk of overcooked broccoli, and the fight began in earnest. * * * * * * * * * * Kuno hopped across the rooftops of nighttime Nerima toward the Tendo Dojo, there to claim the reward of the luscious Ranko's favor for defeating the vile sorcerer Tofu. A loud shattering sound came from the Tendo residence, and he sped up, landing in the yard next to the koi pond. Two fighters erupted through the walls, determined on damaging each other. They briefly seperated, and Kuno could clearly see the forms of Ranko and Akane, gloriously nude. What's more, his newly-acquired ki-senses, sensetive to female energy, told him that Ranko had been in a state of arousal, and Akane had been engaged in an intimate act. Kuno, processing this information while watching the two nude ladies leap and jump in the acrobatic Anything-Goes combat style, did the only thing open to him ... He had a nosebleed and fainted. * * * * * * * * * * Akane swung at the red-haired hussy who'd taken away her Moment with her husband. Ranko dodged, her head clearing somewhat. "Akane-chan!" she cried out. "Please! be careful!" "I WASN'T FINISHED!! WOULD IT HAVE KILLED YOU TO WAIT A FEW MINUTES?!? *NOT* WAITING *IS* GONNA KILL YOU!!" As the bokken came down, Ranko desperately put out her hand. "DOKO SEIKITOU!!" The Magnificent Phoenix Energy Sword slashed out, blocking the bokken and making the wooden blade explode into flaming fragments. "Now, Akane-chan," Ranko began, "Let's talk about this. I'm really sorry about -" "AKANE-SEIKITOU!" Ranko looked on wide-eyed as her sister-in-law's Scarlet Energy Sword bloomed. Then the two blades met, and the duel was on again. "Chikuso," both Kasumi and Nodoka commented in unladylike fashion from the second floor. * * * * * * * * * * Nabiki took her time going back home though the night (You wondering what she was doing out at past ten in the evening? Go on wondering - she'd kill us if we told you.), hearing the sounds of conflict a few blocks away. She had already taken part in an earlier beating (okay, just the icing on the cake, but still ... ) and wasn't up to finding out what was going on in her own house to cause the use of ki-attacks. "Tendo-san?" a voice addressed her in the dark. She froze. The only time anyone called her 'Tendo-san' was for business. "Who's asking?" A short man appeared from the shadows, carrying a bag over his back. "It is I - Sasuke." Nabiki raised an eyebrow. "Looks like Kuno-Baby kicked you out." "Actually, I left of my own accord. I have my family honor to maintain," he sighed, hitching the pack up higher. Nabiki made no comment, but continued on her way home. "Not really sorry to hear that. Or surprised. Glad you left while you could." "I can sleep at night," he nodded. "Tendo-san, I seek new employment." "I already have stooges," she chuckled. "Yes, but are they ninja trained? Of a ninja clan nine generations old?" She considered. "You have a point there. Perhaps you can be of service then. What was your pay with the Blue Blunder?" He told her. She went into a giggle fit. "Are you kidding?? Kikuko gets more than that for selling test answers to underclassmen!" "It is the same pay that my ancestors received from the House of Kuno for over a century," he said defensively. "Never heard of cost-of-living increases, have they?" Sasuke 'hmph'ed. "They'd still be flogging serfs if they could." "Well, I think I can safely quintuple your salary -" "BWAAAAK!!" he commented. "- if you can cook. I'll be damned if I'll eat food that Akane's cooked if there's an out. Self-preservation uber alles." "Simple fare, but savory." "You're hired. We'll get you moved in as soon as we clear out the more radioactive debris from Happosai's old room." "Thank you, Tendo-sama. I shall endeavor to - RADIOACTIVE?!" Nabiki smirked. "You really need a better sense of humor, Sasuke-baby." As they came up to the former Tendo home, an odd sound - obviously a ki-attack, but different somehow - assailed their ears. In the yard, they saw the naked Saotome ladies duelling with what appeared to be Star-Wars-type lightsabers. "What the hell is going on now?" Nabiki said, an exasperated tone in her voice. Sasuke looked alarmed but calmed quickly. "At least they aren't doing disgusting things with panties." "Speaking of which -" Nabiki said, pointing to the out-cold Kuno by the front gate. "Shall I 'dispose' of him?" Sasuke asked. Nabiki contemplated that, but shook her head. "Nah, there might be a use for him." "Can't imagine what," Sasuke mumbled. "The dogs can use the hydrant." "NABIKI!" Kasumi called from the bathroom. "Kasumi-chan! What's happening??" "I'll explain later! Please calm them down!" Nabiki looked over at the two females doing twenty-foot leaps, arcs of force duelling between them. "HOW?? Call the Self- Defense Force? Superman? Where's Ranma?" "I think they got him!" "Well, what am *I* -" <THUNK!!><THUNK!!> Nabiki looked over, and saw Sasuke standing over the prone forms of Akane and Ranko, Kuno's alleged bokken in hand. "They never even noticed me - not that they would notice a ninja," he commented proudly. Nabiki snapped a picture. The sight of Sasuke standing over them holding *that* oughta cool their fighting spirit when they woke up. Sasuke looked at his hand and noticed what he held. He dropped it and screamed, "OH MY GOD, GET ME SOME BLEACH!!! IODINE!!! ANTISEPTIC!!! EWWWWWWW!!!" DISCLAIMER: Takahashi is a Goddess. I am merely her priestess, channelling her will of the characters' fates. Honest. Ask my psychoanalyst. -------------------- Our Wedding Day - Part 6 By Lady Tesser and Jack Staik -------------------- The next morning was humid and mostly cloudy. The smell of rain was in the air, and many of the Jusenkyo Alumni Society decided to stay indoors. Shampoo was in the kitchen of the Nekohanten, preparing the morning orders. She and Ryoga kept silent as they worked, their eyes never meeting. Conditioner was sick, spitting up whatever he was fed. Shampoo spent most of the morning worrying over her baby. Ichiro was meditating in his home, watching the hazy sunrise from his porch. Jiro settled next to him and both meditated on their father-son relationship. Jiro struck his fist out at his father and Ichiro absently caught it, then got up to get ready for work. Nabiki, toothbrush in mouth, passed by the laundry room and noticed her new stooge - er, employee - Sasuke was *still* washing his hands from holding his former master's bokken. And in another part of Nerima, a foreign girl was having a nightmare ... Ina Sophia was in delirium, seeing the mean, scary, violent woman who had tortured her in her mind since her birth. She had red hair and could wield magic, always in destruction and death. Her mind whirled with the past day's events and the subconscious memories, blending them into one. How could she not have made the connection before?? She snapped awake, her head completely clear. "RANKO SAOTOME IS *HER*! THE EVIL WOMAN!" <Not only is the whore trying to take my man away, she's been torturing me all my life! She will die! DIE DIE DIE!> First, she had to get out of the hospital. * * * * * * * * * * Nodoka came down to breakfast, still feeling ill, but having nothing to upchuck at present. Ranko and Akane glared at each other across the table, surrounded by the light that Nodoka had been informed was called a 'battle aura'. Ranma sat at the head of the table, looking afraid to try and pick anything up off the table if it would bring the attention of either of them. Kasumi served breakfast with her usual good cheer. Nabiki came downstairs, not *quite* as grouchy as usual. "Well, you look chipper this morning, Nabiki-chan," Kasumi commented. "Did something nice happen this morning?" Nabiki shrugged. "Sort of. It happened last night." She smiled; gaining the services of a trained ninja qualified as a coup for her, especially for as little as she was paying. Nodoka smiled. "Perhaps Nabiki-chan found a boyfriend?" Nabiki rolled her eyes. <Nodoka-obaasan is a nice woman, but why does she have to think that all happiness has to come from men??> "Well -" Sasuke came down. "Nabiki-sama, do you know where I can put my laundry?" "Sure - the hamper's in the bathroom." "Arigato." Nabiki turned back to answer Nodoka, but everyone in the room had facefaulted. "Na-Nabiki-chan," Kasumi stammered. "Isn't he a little ... old for you??" "And I thought she liked Kuno," Ranma commented. "Heck, I will *never* figure out women." "Never mind that," Ranko said, "He's *ugly*!" "Yeah!" chimed in Akane. "*And* he's been working for the Kunos! He might have cooties!" "For goodness sakes - I am *not* dating Sasuke!" Nabiki complained. "It's a business arrangement! Money changed hands and everything!" Everyone looked at Nabiki with shock and horror. "Nabiki," Akane said sadly. "If you needed money so badly, Ranma and I could have loaned you some. You didn't have to stoop to ... *THAT*!!" "Oh, poor girl!" Nodoka wept. "Becoming a fallen woman!" "It was just a matter of time," Ranma muttered. "I thought you said you didn't do that for money," Ranko said, blinking. "You degenerates!" Nabiki snapped. "Get your alleged brains out of the gutter! It's shujuu, not sex! He's my new employee! As a ninja and lackey! Get it! *Just* a lackey!" She went back to eating breakfast, mumbling about the house full of perverts. "What do we need a lackey for?" Ranma said. "We've got Kasumi!" <WHAM!!><WHAM!!><WHAM!!><POP!!> Ranma was driven like a tent spike by three mallets and a rice spoon. Nodoka ignored what just occurred - he *definitely* had that one coming. Nabiki muttered something about some things never changing, and went on with breakfast. "Well, at least there's one good thing about it," Ranma said, pulling himself out of the hole. "WHAT?!?" Ranko and Akane said. "You two aren't fighting anymore. You even agreed on something." Ranko and Akane almost shouted again, but then started giggling. "Wanna talk about it?" Ranko asked Akane. "Okay," Akane said. Akane and Ranko went out back and walked around to the far side of the koi pond. "Um ... Akane-chan? I'm sorry I ... interrupted you and Niichan last night." Ranko blushed. "I was mad at him, and I let my temper get the better of me." Akane nodded. "I understand. It always ticked me off when someone would try to fight my battles for me." "That, too," Ranko muttered. "Still jealous?" "HUH??" Ranko exclaimed. "How - I don't know what you mean." "One of the things you and Ranma have in common, Ko-chan - you're both lousy liars." Ranko blushed. "You had such high hopes for Tofu, and he turned out to be a crumb." Ranko sighed. "I give up. Men are jerks." "Not all men." Akane put an arm around the redhead's shoulder. "Let me tell you something, Ko-chan; In junior high, everyone was starting to date. Everyone except me. I didn't want to date because all the boys I knew were jerks." "Aren't they always?" "More so. All through school, I was called 'fat' and 'ugly' and bullied by the guys because I had braces and wasn't athletic. They frequently picked fights with me, stealing my lunch - saying I didn't need to get any more fat - and threw spitballs at me in class." Ranko drew her arms around Akane, feeing a shared sense of alienation with her sister-in-law. "Whenever I tried to fight back to defend myself, I was always the one caught. 'Causing fights,' the teachers said. I wasn't even a good fighter back then, and I frequently had black eyes and bruises. Doctor Tofu always patched me up - that's why I was kind of fond of him for several years. "I finally asked Daddy to teach me martial arts so I at least could injure them before I got in trouble. He always told me that the way of the warrior is never revenge. I didn't care, so I learned all I could. I never became as good as Ranma because all I wanted was revenge - it got in the way of the True Art. "Then, one day in junior high, I had to wear a training bra for the first time. It was very uncomfortable, which I told Yuka in the lunchline. The boy behind me grabbed my strap and snapped it as hard as he could, breaking the hooks. I turned around, picked him up, and threw him right into the serving trays. I told him if he got near me again, I'd break his neck. He laughed and said no guy would ever want to get near me, that no one would ever date me." She frowned, the sadness almost radiating off of her. "It's not that he said that, but a 'knowing' that I was not one of them, that I never would be, that I would always be alone." Akane shrugged, wiping her eyes. "But it only got worse as they sent me 'love' notes in class. More hentai than love, they sexually harrassed me with graphic drawings and descriptions of what went on. My anger only got worse, and I welcomed beating them up to prove that I would never let them dominate me in that way. "When Kuno announced that stupid 'Beat-Akane-To-Date-Her' challenge, I snapped. I was so sick of boys that any guy that came along saying something stupid or perverted - or that I could take that way - knew my wrath. I was also afraid that any guy that *could* beat me could do anything he wanted to me. I prevented that as much as I could by keeping a short leash on Ranma - I *knew* he could beat me. Then ... when I heard you two in the attic ... I was wrong about him in so many ways ... " Ranko hugged her tightly, letting her breathe deeply to regain her composure. "Niichan always loved you, he never wanted to hurt you. He just didn't know how *not* to." "I know that now. And even if he didn't, I wouldn't have known how to accept it. I realized he and I were equals, not one dominating the other. That's what I always wanted, deep inside. An equal who respected me, loved me, just as I could love and respect him." Akane hugged Ranko. "I'm sorry, but when you told me about Tofu running off, all I could think of was some bastard hurt you, and he needed to get pounded." "I know," Ranko replied. "I'm sorry I took it out on you." "Nothing to forgive," Akane said. "And you don't have to be jealous. You have a special place in Ranma's heart, something that I can never be a part of. If anything, I should be jealous of *you*." Ranko lowered her eyes, feeling ashamed. Kasumi, watching from nearby, smiled. At last, her imouto- chan was coming into her true womanhood. Soon, she could leave, knowing Akane would be woman enough to be mistress of the house. * * * * * * * * * * Ryoga sulked in the back of the restaurant while Shampoo served the few pre-lunch customers. Ryoga came out of the kitchen, carrying his backpack and umbrella. Shampoo looked at him curiously. "Yesterday, I asked Ranma about love," he said, not giving her a chance to do anything but react. "He told me two things about love - that I didn't really understand until just now." "I want you to be happy," he said, "I know you don't want me here, so my leaving will make you happy ... but I can't live without you. If you want me gone, I'll leave. But I don't want to. I'd rather have you treating me like you did Mousse than leave. What do I do, Shampoo?" <Poor Ryoga,> she thought. <Even on the medication, he still has a tendency to be dramatic about everything. Males always take being kicked out of bed too seriously.> She took his face in her hands and kissed him. Finally, she broke the kiss. "[I won't treat you like Mousse, Airen. You are my husband, you dip. I want you to stay.}" "{I think I love you,}" he said. "{I think it's love. I think I can make you happy.}" "{You think too much,}" she said. "{I'm sorry I let it go this far. I should have known you'd never let anything bad happen to the baby.}" "{May I hold you?}" he asked. "{Yes,}" she said quietly. They held each other for a long time, ignoring the world around them. Little Conditioner, meanwhile, no longer feeling the tension around him, slept through the applause from the customers. * * * * * * * * * * A few hours later, Akane, Ranko, Nodoka, Shampoo, Kasumi, Nabiki, her toady Kikuko, and Akane's friends Sayuri and Yuka were gathered around the dining room table, mulling over dress patterns and decorations. "Full Shinto ceremony?" Yuka asked. "But Western weddings are *sooo* romantic." "We tried that," Akane said, "Remember?" "I didn't arrive until after the place was wrecked," Yuka said. "Precisely." "But it's kinda pricey," Kikuko commented. "What sort of budget have we got?" "It comes out of the inheritance my father left Ranma," Nodoka said. "Several billions of yen. Consider it unlimited for all practical intents and purposes." She smiled. "And many impractical ones, as well." The three normal schoolgirls blinked in shock. <More grist for the rumor mill,> Nabiki noted. "Anyway," Ranko stated. "Akane-chan wants a wedding she can remember as being beautiful and largely non-violent." Akane swatted her with a kimono pattern. "I don't want any violence, imouto-chan! Zero! No monsters, no crazy fiancees, no revenge-seeking weirdos. And no explosions!" <piku-piku> "I thought you were marrying Ranma?" Akane casually threw the redhead into the koi pond. "Hey!" Ranko-kun popped up through the water. "What'd ja' do *that* for?!" "For your alleged sense of humor!" Akane said. The guests were bug-eyed at the sight of a Ranma with unbound hair and clad in a dress that was too small. They stared as Ranko-kun went past, heading upstairs and grumbling about how his bra-straps always needed re- adjusting after these episodes. "And the panties *hurt*! Mebbe I should wear boxers ..." "Blu-bla-lu-bla ... " Yuka commented intelligently. "She has the curse, too?" Kikuko asked. "Yep," Nabiki replied, yawning. "Close your mouths, she's into guys." All three blushed and went back to the wedding planning. "What should the menu be?" Kasumi asked. "All Chinese!" Shampoo announced. <Unlimited cost-plus catering contract! 'When the ship's in, everybody rides!> "Any pork dishes?" Nabiki asked snidely. "No. Shampoo think duck." Akane and Nabiki chuckled, while Kasumi refrained and the comment sailed over everyone else's heads. "Duck sounds just fine," Nodoka confirmed unknowingly. "I don't really care for duck," Akane said. "The knives get stuck in my teeth." The Tendo women (and one Amazon) broke into giggles. "I don't think I want to know," Sayuri whispered to Yuka. Ranko - back to her normal gender - entered the dining room again and asked, "What'd I miss?" "We can't have duck because the knives would get stuck in our teeth," Nodoka commented calmly. Ranko nodded. "True. Not to mention the training potty." At this point, multiple facefaults resulted. The doorbell chimed and Kasumi asked, "Ko-chan, can you go answer the door? It's for you." "Ohhhh-kay ... " she turned back around and made her way to the front door. On the other side was Doctor Tofu, clad in various bandages and supported on a pair of crutches. Ranko checked herself, resisting the urge to grab him in an embrace and tend to his wounds. "Um... hello ..." he said nervously. "So," she commented, "how have you been?" "Oh, fine. I was assaulted by several of your family members last night as well as by Kuno. I think he has a crush on you." "Old news. What brings you by?" He took a deep breath. "To beg for forgiveness." She considered it, then said "No," and shut the door. He opened the door and hobbled in. "I admit it! I was wrong! I shouldn't have left! I left you behind when I should have been a man and faced the bitch!" "'Should have been a man' is right," she growled. "But I want to make it up to you," he said, pleading. "I want to start over." She shook her head. "I don't know. Not now. I trusted you, and you - excuse me," she said suddenly. "I don't want you to see me crying." "Ko-chan -" he asked, reaching for her ... * * * * * * * * * * The women were discussing fabrics for the first kimono when Doctor Tofu sailed over their heads, imbedding himself in the wall. The women looked at the hindquarters of the doctor, mounted on the wall like a moose-head. Ranko stomped in, yelling about him taking advantage of her sensetive and fragile nature, grabbed the doctor by his waistband, and yanked him out of the wall. Or tried to. His pants weren't very durable, and tore off in her hand. The doctor favored boxers, it seemed. The women all held up scorecards, ranging from Shampoo's 5.5 to Nodoka's 9.8, with the visitors giving scores in the middle 8's, and Akane bestowing a 7.5. "HEY!" Ranko commented. "If Magical Girl not want man be commented on, don't display man," Shampoo said. Akane looked at Nodoka's high score, eyebrows raised. "He's no Ranma, Auntie." "Never underestimate the effect of a man's butt on a woman," Nabiki said. Nodoka just blushed. "DO YOU MIND??" Tofu shouted. "Can I leave this with *some* dignity?" "NO!!" The Saotomes and Tendos shouted together. "I had that coming," Tofu admitted, pulling himself out of the wall. "But, Ranko, If you Ju-ju-ju-" he stammered, his glasses fogging. "Oh hells," Ranko commented, "He's having a Kasumi-attack. Kasumi, do you mind?" "Hmph!" Kasumi said, mildly offended, as she got up and left. (She understood why, but it was annoying - not to mention vaguely insulting.) Ranko pulled the doctor outside as he started singing nursery rhymes and making grandiose hand gestures. "What the hell was *that*?" Kikuko asked. "One thousand yen," Nabiki said automatically. * * * * * * * * * * As the heavily-bandaged man in his shorts was tossed over the garden wall, a large figure in a trenchcoat was observing. Some casual observer may have thought this was a huge gaijin in a bad disguise, but if they looked closer, they would have noticed that the figure was in fact a pig standing on its hind legs. Grunting to itself, the pig rushed along the alleyways to report the latest developments to it's mistress. Meanwhile, a man watched a similar pig that was observing the Nekohanten. Both observers watched the bandana-clad boy who was cooking in the kitchen, seemingly happy to be doing the menial tasks of food-preparation and cleaning. The pig continued to observe, while the man pulled out a card from his pocket. Then he was surrounded with a halo of rainbow light, turned two-dimensional, and vanished. * * * * * * * * * * Kasumi was half-way up the stairs when the doorbell rang again and she turned back down to answer it. In the doorway appeared to be a Christian nun wearing purple robes rather than the traditional black. Her aura was calm and peaceful, a glow of feminine delicateness about herself. Kasumi could not see her face through the thick veil, but was able to discern a kindly and wise woman from her voice. "Good morning. I seek audience with Ranma Saotome." "Welcome to the Tendo - sorry, the *Saotome* Dojo. Please, come in. And bring your friend in, too." Liitak peered around nervously. "Where is this Amazon with distemper?" Aga asked. "I swear, one attacked me last night!" "Oh, was that you?" Kasumi chirped. "I'm sorry, but you *did* invade our home; I had to do something about that." "That's your opponent?" Aga asked, allowing a giggle to escape. "Would you like some tea while I fetch him?" Liitak hung back, ashamed by his pride. He followed his Lady and Kasumi into the dining room, where several ladies were engaged in 'discussion' regarding the need for Akane's ceremonial hat. All became silent as they looked up to see the man from Pheonix Mountain and the Veiled Lady. "Ranma!" Kasumi called out to the dojo. "You have visitors!" Akane cocked her head, studying them closely. The woman worried her more than the man; there was power in that cloaked body. She caught Ranko's eye and the redhead slowly nodded. Shampoo grunted to herself. Nodoka remained silent, watching the tension closely. The school girls wondered if they could all hide under the table if this was going to turn to violence (logic was simple: Akane sees other woman in contact with Ranma, someone gets pounded). Liitak swung his head from the back of the house to Ranko and blurted, "But aren't you - ?" "Nope. I'd appreciate it if you idiots would understand that." "We are here on other business," the woman answered. She felt a twinge of familiarity from the redheaded sister of the Godslayer. Ranma sauntered in, grinning. "Who wants to see me?" The woman bowed her head and stated, "I am Aga - " " - Lady Aga, the Violet Dove of Peace - " Liitak added pompously. "Liitak, please! You're embarassing me!" She continued. "- and I have come to ask for your help to save the world." Ranma shrugged. "Is Gojira attacking or something?" Nabiki shook her head. "This is the off-season." "This gentleman came by last night looking for you, Ranma- kun," Kasumi offered. "I understand now. So, you're going to sacrifice me so I can't be a threat anymore?" "You're not that important, Niichan," Ranko commented. "Important," Aga corrected her. "But not for the spilling of blood. To be able to save the world, there must be unity between both the male and female aspects of the human race. Ranma Saotome, the Godslayer, is the masculine aspect. I have been chosen as the feminine aspect." Ranma chuckled. "Wait a minute, you're not sayin' - " Akane reached out for a mallet. "We must be united - " she began. "NO MORE FIANCEES!! YAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!" Akane shrieked, swinging the mallet down. "EEEE!!!" Aga squealed. "Violence! I can't stand violence!" Liitak shouted, "How dare you strike the Violet Dove of Peace, you violent child?!" as he threw himself over his Lady to protect her, his wings covering her. Akane stopped in mid-swing, looking at the cringing girl. She blushed, muttered an incoherent apology, and stepped back. Nodoka and the schoolgirls were too busy gawking at the obviously-functional wings to be scared. "I think I can help," Ranko said. "Why would you want to help *them*?" Akane asked. "I was talking to *you*, sister-in-law," Ranko said sweetly. "Oh." Ranko stood up and went into the kitchen, then returned with a kettle of hot water and a pitcher of cold water. She poured the cold water over herself then Ranma, altering their genders. "Do you see this?" Ranko-kun asked. Then he poured the hot water over himself and Ranma-onna, changing them back to their normal forms. "*We* are the balance of male and female principles." Liitak performed a doubletake while Aga remained unfazed. "Then it does not matter whom we take with us, as - I can feel - you both have comparable power." "It matters to me!" Akane stated. Nabiki and Nodoka nodded determinedly and the guests hid under the table. "I don't want to go. I'm sorry," Ranma said. "And you should know that you can't force me," Ranko stated. "Besides, you've already stated that a union of such principles is required, and that's already happened." Nodoka blushed. "Is that the sort of thing you should be telling strangers?" Everyone looked at her oddly. Aga nodded. "I only asked for help, not a chain of servitude. Since you have turned down my offer, I shall leave you. Blessings upon you, Godslayer, may every happiness be yours." Liitak opened and closed his mouth several times. "Bu- bu- bu- bu- " "Let's *leave*, Liitak," she repeated. Stammering, he bowed clumsily and followed his Lady out to the street in front of the dojo. "We just can't give up, my Lady!" he exclaimed. "I am not giving up," she replied. "I am simply going to use another option." "What option?" "Send a messenger to Jusenkyo," she said, "To bring us the waters of the Shuanshontsuniichuan." Liitak nodded in understanding. * * * * * * * * * * Inside, Yuka asked Akane "Is it always like this?" Akane looked at her. "Is *what* always like this?" The visiting schoolgirls facefaulted. * * * * * * * * * * (Elsewhere ...) "She's becoming unstable," the dark man said. "The template is breaking down." "You want her, *you* take care of her!" the girl complained. "I wanted to kill the little freak when I first met her, but I don't want to hunt her down! That would - ick! - bring her into contact with me!" "You are the best suited for the task." "Why can't *you* do it?!?" He smiled enigmatically. "That is a secret." DISCLAIMER: Nabiki is innocent of any and all wrong-doing. (She paid me to say that.) -------------------- Ranma 1/2: "Our Wedding Day" pt. 7 by Lady Tesser and Jack Staik -------------------- Ranma passed by the door on his way to go upstairs when the doorbell rang again. He went to get it, finding Jiro on the other side. "Hey, oniichan! Emphasis on 'oni'," Ranma greeted him. "What are ya' doin' over here?" Jiro forced a smile. Not exactly 'forced' - somehow, he was finding it easier to get along with his smartass half- brother now (but he'd be damned before he admitted it). "To see Kasumi-chan, you dip. Is she here?" "Yep, in the dining room. She'll probably be glad to see you - can't imagine why." He smirked, "Watch out for the Estrogen Brigade." Jiro raised his eyebrow in puzzlement and wandered into the dining room. He noted the hole in the wall and decided not to ask; 'Mind-Your-Own-Business' is a good policy on the road. The visitors looked up at the *gorgeous* not-much-older guy who just came in. The schoolgirls took deep breaths, stuck out their chests, and smiled sweetly. "Jiro-kun!" Kasumi cried, getting up. "So good to see you again! Come in, would you like some tea?" "Hi, Kasumi-chan," Jiro answered politely. "If I'm interrupting -" "Not at all - have a seat!" The girls exhaled, hauled in their weaponry, and the smiles became just polite. <Damn - taken!> they thought ruefully. He looked around, seeing an empty space between Kasumi's seat and Ranko, and settled in next to his sister. He waved at the baby, "Hiya, Old Fa-" "Watch language!" Shampoo shook a finger at Jiro, making chills run down his spine. <Damn - she looks just like Mom when she does that!> he thought. Ranko turned and swatted him in the head with a kimono pattern. "Hey, what was that for?" he asked, annoyed. "Shut up, you ... *male*!" she hissed. "Who pissed in her canteen?" "Behave yourself," Akane asked politely. "She and Doctor Tofu just had a fight." "Aww, poor Imouto-chan!" he cooed sarcastically, placing an arm around her. "Old family secret - Forget the relationships; one-night stands are the best way to go. They always work for me." A mallet appeared out of nowhere, landing on Jiro's head. Kasumi held the other end of it, a look of stern disapproval on her sweet face. "Ah, Kasumi-chan," he stated. "Imagine meetng you here of all places ..." "Yes," she said in a sweet-yet-acidic tone. "Just imagine." As she turned and left, Jiro followed pleading. "It wasn't what it sounded like - honest! I would never think of you as a sex object! You're nothing like those young, pretty girls!" "So I'm old and ugly?" she snapped. "No! You're not old at all!" he answered in panic. "So I'm ugly!!" "Only when you're mad - hey wait!" Kasumi stomped to the kitchen, not listening as Jiro dug his own grave. Shampoo shook her head. "Foot-in-mouth disease hereditary," she commented. "Seems to point that way," Akane agreed. "That's the first time I ever saw Kasumi get mad like that," Nabiki commented. "Must be love." Sayuri asked, "Ranko, did he just call you 'little sister'?" "Yeah," she said, stuffing some hors d'oeuvres in her mouth. "The jerk's my brother." "I thought you were Ranma's sister." "I am," Ranko clarified. "I'm also that butthead's sister. Life sucks." "You must be very proud, Saotome-san," Kikuko said to Nodoka, "To have two sons as handsome as Ranma and Jiro." "Jiro isn't my son," Nodoka answered. "I only had Ranma and Ranko." The schoolgirls got *very* interested. "Tell," they said to Nabiki. Nabiki just smiled. "Sorry, I've found better work. Get your information from someone else." Sayuri and Yuka looked at Kikuko. "I'll pay thirty thousand for the whole story," she said to Nabiki. Nabiki grinned. "Actually, I'm in negotiations with TokyoTV to have it turned into an anime. You'll have to dig for information." Akane smirked. At least her private life would just be the subject of rumor and speculation, without the detailed exposure (complete with photographs) it had in the past. "Heck, I'll tell," Ranko stated. "That jerk, Ranma and I, Ryoga, and another bunch of folks all have the same father - a guy named Ichiro Hibiki." "You'll never get anywhere in the information-brokering market, Ko-chan," Nabiki commented. "Feh," Ranko replied, too ticked off to care what Nabiki thought. "Sounds romantic," Kikuko sighed. "It was," Nodoka sighed. "I wish it would happen to me ... " Sayuri added. "EWW! That's my father-in-law you're talking about!" Akane pointed out sharply. "Wouldn't stop him," Ranko mumbled. "Wow," Yuka said in awe. "Where is he now?" "I believe he said he was working along Sunset Road today," Nodoka informed her. "My house is on Sunset Road!" Yuka said. "Oh, my," Akane commented in place of the absent Kasumi. Everyone else remained silent, then Shampoo asked, "You know who father is?" "Um ..." Yuka stammered nervously, blushing. "Well ... y'see ..." "Crap!" Nabiki commented. "By the way," Ranko asked, "What's your blood-type?" "It's kind of exotic -" "Double crap!" Akane added. "Watch language in front of baby!" Shampoo exclaimed. "Gomen. What type?" "The doctor called it 'double-positive' -" "BWAAAK!" Ranko, Shampoo, and Nabiki commented together. "Oh, triple crap! With frosting." Nabiki sighed. "The Masked Sperm-Donor strikes again!" "Mebbe not." Ranko pulled out her blood-testing kit. "I can clear this up in an hour or so. Your finger, Yuka-chan, please?" "Where'd you get that, Ko-chan?" Nabiki asked with interest. "There are perks to working for a physician - even a rat- bastard one," she grumbled through clenched teeth. "It seems that the guys at Tokyo University Medical School developed a simple test for detecting Ichiro-spawn - why they felt they had to, I shudder to think. " "You ain't stickin' *nothin'* in me!!!" Yuka explained to her in a very shrill voice. "I could just take your blood," Ranko said, letting her eyes glow with battle aura. "But you want to cooperate, don't you?" Yuka held out her hand. "Nice technique," Nabiki said, smirking. "I practiced it on vampire potatoes," Ranko replied absently. No one knew how to reply to *that*, so they allowed her to draw a sample from the poor girl. * * * * * * * * * * No one could explain how it happened, nor where it came from. All that anyone who witnessed the catastrophe could say was "The light ... the light ... " At Nerima General Hospital, not long after sunset, a slightly-delirious (and much-medicated) Ina Sophia heard something. Her sweet Ono-sama was hurt. He was admitted in the emergency room of the hospital and then sent home the next morning. "Oh my!" she muttered, "I must go to my Ono-sama! He'll need my tender loving care!" A ripple passed over her as the glamour she had maintained for so long slipped, letting her figure become slightly more petite, and her hair change to a creamsicle-orange color. "I'm sorry, Sophia-san," A nurse said comfortingly, trying to persuade the girl to lay back down. "FIRE-BALLLLL!!!" The entire south wing of the hospital was shattered in a blast of mystical force. Oddly enough, no one was seriously injured. She paused, looking down at her singed hospital shift and scuffed black slippers. "Oops. Maybe I should clean up before I visit my Ono-sama. I must look a fright." * * * * * * * * * * After about an hour of apologies and promises for a date later that week (to include dancing), Kasumi and Jiro were talking in the living room about the impending wedding while drinking lemonade. The door bell rang, and she excused herself to answer it. She opened the door and found a basket on the front step. In the basket was a gurgling figure in a bonnet and diapers with a note pinned to the blanket; [Ranma,] [You may not remember me but we met at a party nine months ago. You promised to marry me, then never called again. Please take care of our child.] [Your Mystery Lover.] Kasumi kicked the basket over. "OW!" Genma protested. "Honestly, Genma," Kasumi said. "Please don't insult my intelligence." "Er ... who's Genma?" the diaper-wearing man said. <SPLASH!> Kasumi's lemonade left her glass. [I'm a cute l'il baby,] read the panda-sign. Kasumi rolled her eyes. "And to think I thought Ranma-kun was exaggerating." She slammed the door and went back to the living room. "Who was that?" Jiro asked. "A deadbeat," she replied, settling next to him. "Now, you said something about acting as bouncer for the wedding?" Outside, Soun was helping Genma-panda to his feet. "I *told* you it was a stupid idea, Saotome." [Shut up, Tendo,] the sign replied. * * * * * * * * * * Akane dialed up the number given to her, waiting for the other end to pick up. "Moshi-moshi, Ohayi Photography Studio." "Hi, my name is Akane Saotome and I would like a photographer for my reception." "All right. Just the reception?" "Yes. The priest prefers no photography during the ceremony. Oh, can you also do group portraits?" "Of course." Meanwhile, the rest of the ladies were starting on the wedding kimonos. Ranko let the embroidered white satin slip gently through her fingers as she measured out the lengths for the panels of Akane's first wedding kimono. "How beautiful ... " she murmured. "Reminds me of that Irish dance we saw on video the other night, the one where that woman with the really big red hair sang ... "['I dreamt last night that my true love came in Softly he came up his feet made no din And I thought that he spoke of to me he did say It will not be long, love, til our wedding day.']" The rest of the women didn't understand English as well, but they felt it. "Sheesh, one wedding and you all go mushy on me," Nabiki said sarcastically. "Biki, be patient. You'll understand someday," Ranko replied. "Sorry, Ko-chan, but I have other things to worry about than finding a man to justify my existence," she stated, picking up the scissors. "To each their own way," her sister-in-law remarked. Akane giggled. "What's so funny?" Ranko asked. "Mentioning that Irish dance tape we saw," Akane said, " And I suddenly thought - Martial Arts Clogging." The Tendo girls all laughed, picturing the gaijin gals playing Morrigan and Colleen beating the crap out of each other by tap- dancing. "Don't tell Niichan," Ranko said, "He'll be in tap shoes before you know it." A fresh round of laughter burst out. Nabiki, imagining Ranma in the high-heeled tap shoes worn by Irish dancers, laughed hardest. * * * * * * * * * * Ranma went back out to the dojo, feeling too much estrogen in the air for his comfort. He thought about what happened last night. Of Ranko breaking in on his and Akane's intimate moment, then the quarrel in the hall. Ranma punched the air, kicking it into submission as the emotions surfaced. He became a whirlwind of motion. Ko-chan, right there, secreting the scent of aroused woman. Her breasts flushed and her thighs pressed tightly together, her hips moving gently. He saw Akane do the same things when she became aroused. His movements speeded, twirling through the air like a deadly Dervish. But why was Ko-chan turned on? Walking in on them like that? Was she doing something else, something that Akane showed him that women do? The memory of her fragrantly wet flesh was vivid in his mind. It only made him fight his invisible opponent faster, harder. Forbidden Lust was its name. He fought like hell. How *could* he desire her? How *dare* he even begin to want to bed her? How dare he want to take her back to the attic and take her like he should have when she first stepped out of the mirror! <But we really aren't brother and sister; I was born from woman, she was born from a mirror - similar, but the doc said that genetically - > Ranma hit his fist into the floor, shattering the wood under it. Damnit, he was letting *It* think for him! Again! That didn't used to be a problem until Akane ... Akane ... With a raging lust, he dashed into the house and located Akane at the sewing machine. "Excuse me," he asked, passing a glance at Ranko, then grabbed Akane up and slung her over his shoulder as he raced back out to the dojo. The women remained silent, then Kikuko asked, "What was *that* all about?" "Makes the third time today," Nabiki yawned. "And it's not even noon yet." "Not bad, Shampoo take note," the Amazon chuckled. <After all,> she thought, <Ryoga has much more stamina ...> "Oh," Yuka and Sayuri stated together in realization. Nodoka sighed. "My manly son," she said with pride. Everyone got *very* embarassed at that and went back to working on the kimono. Ranko stared after them for a long moment, replaying the look on his face: Pure, unadulterated lust. For a moment, she felt he was directing it *at* her. Then decided to ignore it; other things to do. A wedding to plan. * * * * * * * * * * Ukyo glanced through the paper's classified setion. She and Konatsu were seated together at one of the numerous yatai that travel around Tokyo. Between eating bento lunches, they were scanning for a storefront for their new okonomiyaki restaurant. "It's good the insurance gave you some extra money, huh, Ukyo-sama?" he asked. "It helped. Although I have to get new equipment now. Ah-HA!" "What did you find?" "The perfect place. It's just inside the city - perfect for the OL crowd. I'm sure we can build our clientele again." "What about your schooling?" Konatsu asked. "What about it?" "You'll need a high school diploma - and preferrably a college degree." She dismissed it with a wave of her hand. "I've got my own business - won't need it." "Ukyo-sama!" Konatsu said sharply. "You *will* need it! And you *will* finish your schooling!" Ukyo looked up in surprise. The little transvestite had never spoken to her like *that* before. He'd never raised his voice before. Konatsu saw the shock in her eyes, and looked away in embarassment. "Sorry, Ukyo-sama. But I feel strongly about this." "You - never spoke up before," she said. "I was surprised." "I think that had a lot to do with your ... problems. If I'd spoken up, tried to stop you -" "I'd have hurt you." Konatsu nodded. Ukyo smiled at him. "Thanks for caring, Natsu-chan." Konatsu froze. <She called me ... Natsu-chan??> Ukyo gazed at the fainting kunoichi in puzzlement ... and not a little bit of pride. "I should thank Ranma for dumping me," she mused. "Konatsu's a lot more fun to flirt with. Less labor-intensive, too." * * * * * * * * * * <knock-knock-knock> Nabiki and Ranko looked at each other; someone was actually knocking? "Could you get that, Nabiki-chan?" Kasumi asked from the living room. "I think it's for you." "Sure, oneechan." She stood from the fabric cutting and wandered into the front hall. Sasuke stood against the wall, waiting for her. "What are you doing, short stuff?" "In case they are assassins, Nabiki-sama." "Lemme guess: Kuno-Baby thinks people would kill him on his front step." "Of course. Doesn't everyone want to kill him?" Nabiki thought about it, then nodded. "Logical. So, let me answer the door," Nabiki commanded as she pulled the door open. Outside on the step was a television reporter and cameraman. The reporter had a lean and hungry look, with a gleam in her eye that only vultures had. Nabiki smiled, recognizing a sucker. "Konnichi wa, I'm Sachiko Himamya from DNA News Japan - " "Hi, I'm Nabiki Tendo; executor." "Tendo-san! We hear that a Ranma Saotome came into possession of billions of yen!" "Really? Was it that much?" She tapped her temple, as if attempting to remember such information. "You did call yourself executor." "Did I? Let me think ... oh, yes. Ranko Saotome." "Ran*ma*!" "No, Ranko," Nabiki confirmed. "Ranko Saotome is the heir?" "Ranko who?" "Saotome. The heir to the billions of yen." "What billions of yen?" "The billions you're the executor to!" Nabiki raised her eyebrows. "Who am I? Who are you?" The camerman was chuckling to himself. "Huh?" "'Not yet, not yet The song of stars Drifting in deep mind Tells you the time Dreams to be found On which stars? Tears fall down Purely reaching to you ... the song Remember this color, don't you?'" "Come on, Komida!" the reporter huffed, turning on one spike heel and stomping away. The cameraman released one quick chortle as he followed her, glancing back and waving at an evilly-grinning Nabiki. She waved back, closing the door. Sasuke rubbed his eyes. "Did I just witness what I heard?" "Sasuke-Baby, one thing you have to know about working for me: it's okay to yank chains." "Um ... " "That means 'for shits and grins'." "Ahhhhhhh." -------------------- First set of lyrics (sung by Ranko) are from "Our Wedding Day" from the Irish dance production "Lord of the Dance", the inspiration for the title. Second set of lyrics (sung by Nabiki) are from "A Song Without a Song" from the anime "Please Save My Earth". DISCLAIMER: I'm Ranma Saotome; sorry 'bout this. -------------------- Ranma 1/2: "Our Wedding Day" pt. 8 by Lady Tesser and Jack Staik -------------------- "Are you sure you want to go to work, Ko-chan?" Ranko smiled painfully at Nabiki while buttoning her blouse. "Of course, Biki-chan. I shouldn't let my personal life interrupt work." "That's why it's always a bad idea to date co-workers - and especially your boss." "Oh?" Ranko remarked. "And who was advocating dating him?" Ranko stood up, admiring her image. Blouse and jeans, hair brushed straight. "A certain Nabiki, as I recall." "I wasn't. In fact - " Nabiki grinned. " - can I have a shot at him? He *is* quite a hottie for an older man." Ranko turned to face her, her eyes lit in warning. "Ono-sama is mine," she stated in a voice unlike her own. Nabiki's eyes widened and she leaned back. "I was only offering to get him out of your hair." Ranko reined in her temper. "No, thanks, Biki. I can take care of him." "Okay. My offer still stands." "We'll see what happens." Ranko went downstairs and paused long enough to hug Akane. "Thanks for everything, oneechan." "Don't let it bother you," Akane replied, hugging her back. "And you should consider giving him another chance." She nodded, swinging around and heading out the door. Ranma wrapped his arms around Akane. "I want to go back and pound him." "She needs to work it out on her own, darling. We can't fight her battles," Akane remarked as she held his arms. <And you don't need to go do heroic things for a beautiful girl who's on the rebound when you have a wife at home,> she thought pettily. "But ... " he let the thought hang, knowing that his wife - and the Warrior's Code - were right; a person's personal battles were their own. But he could *want* to help ... * * * * * * * * * * "Oh, well, at least you're not related to Ranma," Sayuri chirped. "Or Jiro!" Kikuko added helpfully. Yuka shrugged. "Mama-chan always called my father a lecher, but I guess he was the wrong one." "One good thing, though," Sayuri remarked. Yuka looked at her curiously. "What?" "You don't have Ranko as a sister. She could do to your boyfriend what she just did to hers." "If I ever get one," Yuka pouted. "What about Ryoga?" Sayuri wondered. "Isn't he available now that he isn't chasing after Akane?" Kikuko shook her head. "I hear he's living with the weird Chinese girl at the Nekohanten with their baby." "Really?" the other two asked. Kikuko grinned. "Teasers are free. Five hundred yen for details." * * * * * * * * * * Ranko entered the clinic and grounded herself. She wasn't going to erupt into an emotional maelstrom this time. Nope, not at all. Doctor Tofu appeared in the hallway, using a cane this time with only a few bandages now. "I see you got over your Kasumi-attack." He nodded, his mouth in a straight line. "I'm seriously investigating an anti-attack medication." "That would be good for you." "Why are you here?" he asked at last. "We mustn't let our personal feelings interrupt our professional relationship." "Good plan. Can we just be business associates then?" "Yes," she settled at the desk. "Do we have anyone in the clinic right now?" "A young man was admitted here this afternoon; fainting spells." "Really?" she asked. "Yes, his mother is sitting with him. He is refusing his medication - " Ranko became very interested. "Sounds very familiar. Would his name happen to be ... oh, what was it? ... Ah, Densuke?" "Yes. Do you know this boy?" "Niichan and I had an encounter with this particular parasite a few months back. Tried to take advantage of our female form, but Niichan was too nice to pummel him." Tofu cocked his head, now very interested. "I think a collegue of mine mentioned a case involving a rather perverted young man always glomping onto nurses ... " "Bwee-hee-hee!" she chortled. "Oh, I *have* to have some fun! Tofu-sensei, do you have a supply of medical uniforms available somewhere?" "Back room." Ranko brushed by him, grinning evil and oozing sexiness. He stared after her, awed by her many faces; cute, feminine, shy, playful, temptress. Especially that last one in his dreams. He was looking forward to exploring all her mysteries and faces through the years ... If he could ever get her to trust him again. He was brought out of his thoughts when the back room door opened, revealing Ranko in a just-too-tight nurse's uniform. The naughtiness rating was raised with white fishnets and white stiletto heels. The tightness made the absence of a bra all-too-evident. Tofu allowed his jaw to drop, too surprised by this apparition. "Oh, good," she murmured in a low voice. "The effect I want." She swayed past him, causing his eyes to follow her pushed- out behind and the slight bounce in it. If he had been ten years younger, there would have been a serious nosebleed. Ranko lay a stethoscope around her neck and entered the room where the perverted teenager lay. "Konban wa!" she stated sunnily (complete with sparkles and flowers around her). The blonde bishonen boy took in the figure for a silent moment, then his eyes widened. "BWAAAAAAAAKKKKK!!" he crowed. "Oh, young, er, lady!" his mother cried. "He refuses to take his medicine unless a pretty nurse gives it to him! My son is such a pervert! WAAAAAAHHHHH!!" Ranko couldn't help but stare in horror at the distinctly unappealing (to put it mildly) person who was Densuke's mother. <Gods, I hope he's not related to Ichiro,> she thought to herself. <Papa-san would have to have been drunk as a goat to take this thing to bed.> "Don't worry," Ranko smiled brightly. "I'll make sure he takes it. Now, just go in the lobby and refresh yourself. I'll take care of your handsome son." <A pretty girl called Densuke 'handsome'? There's some sort of cosmic irony somewhere,> the mother thought, but she left anyway. "Have you come to torture me?" he asked fearfully. Ranko slipped up to the side of his bed, leaning close to him and running her finger over his forehead. "I work for Tofu-sensei, silly." She tapped the end of his nose. "And I'm not going to fall for your crude tricks, cutie-pie." He gulped. She snapped on a pair of rubber gloves, then upturned the glass of water next to his bed over herself. Ranko-kun grinned, a sadist drag queen if there ever was one. "Oh, yes," he hummed. "We're going to have some fun, Densuke-baby." Miles away, the scream of unholy terror caused people to quake in fear. * * * * * * * * * * Ryoga and Shampoo were taking Conditioner out for a walk in the warn night air, holding hands while the baby gurgled in Shampoo's carrier. The moon shone brightly over Nerima, making the city haze glow and flesh appear ethereal in the darkness. "Ryoga?" Shampoo asked. "Yeah?" He squeezed her hand. "{I've been thinking about what you said ... about staying even if I treat you like Mousse.}" He shrugged. "I thought about what's going on with us. I still don't know about the future. Hell, I don't know anything." "{What do you know?}" she asked softly. He took a deep breath. "I like being with you. I like you. I like the baby. I like working with you. I like hearing you breathe while you sleep, and I like waking up and seeing you sleeping. Sometimes, I just sit on the bed next to you and study your face, tracing over it in my mind. I like talking with you. I like sparring with you." Shampoo nodded, caressing his face with her hand. "{I like everything about you - how you look when you get confused and how you're gentle with the baby. How you smile when I look at you and how your eyes glisten in moonlight like now. I even like your snoring. I felt so alone when you weren't in my room last night.}" "I should have been in there. You should never be alone." They stopped, gazing in the other's eyes. "{You should never be alone, either, my love.}" He wiped his eyes, feeling the wetness down his cheeks. "You're too good for me." "{I love you too much to have you any other way.}" Ryoga felt his heart beating, holding her face in his hands. "I love you, Shampoo. I love you, I love you with all my soul. I can't live without you, and I know it now. You make me happy." She felt the tears spill over her lids and she held him tightly, kissing his face. "(I know I need you, Ryoga. I love you with all my being.)" "I - I don't know what kind of husband I'd be. I get lost constantly. I have to take medication every day or I become violent and unstable. I've never had a formal education. I don't know how I'd support a family. And I turn into a pig whenever I get wet." "(I've got the restaurant. We can work on everything else.)" She smiled, her smile illuminating the darkness for him. "(Do you want to be my husband, Ryoga?)" He nodded. "Yes. But - I don't want to fight you." "(Not necessary - that law was for particular circumstances. Other circumstances apply.)" she kissed him gently. "(We need one Amazon witness to make the wedding legal by Amazon law. When Rose Petal returns, she can be the witness.)" "Um, Shampoo-chan?" he asked nervously. "I - want to wait - until our wedding night. Before we - you know. Do you mind?" <YES, you blithering ninny!> "(Why, Ryoga?)" "I - want my first time to be special. That's all." <'First time'?? I suspected it, but still - it is a bit of a shock.> She nodded. "(As you wish.)" She looked at Conditioner. "(What about you, little one? Do you approve of my mate?)" "Gurgle," Conditioner replied. Shampoo nodded. "(I think he approves.)" "Bwee," a trenchcoat-wearing-pig commented in a sinister fashion, spying on the couple from a dark shadowed alley. It spun around and ran to report the bad news to his mistress. * * * * * * * * * * Ranko-kun stepped out of Densuke's room, allowing the boy to attempt to recover from the thorough enema and various other body cavity cleanings (not to mention the shaving). He didn't care for such things, but they had to be part of the routine. May as well put in some practice. "That'll teach that little hentai to drug a girl and drag her to a hotel room," he chuckled. Doctor Tofu looked up, smirking. "He tried that with Ranma?" "With me, actually. I woke up to find myself in charge of the body, clad in a hotel robe, and him about to do nasty, perverted things to helpless, innocent me." He couldn't hold the laugh in any longer and burst into gaffaws. "What's so funny?" Ranko-kun asked severely. "I'm really sorry, but saying that in your current state ... that's a little hilarious." He looked down and giggled at the image of her male form in such a situation. "You win on that point, Tofu-sensei. I'm going to have a snack; any place okay?" "One of the rooms. I need to work on some files in my office," Tofu replied. He relaxed, seeing (s)he was in a better mood. Perhaps he could apologize again later, explaining his past. Start over. Ranko-kun passed him and picked up a warm kettle from the coffee warmer. He disappeared in the back. "Doctor Tofu?" Densuke's mother appeared. "Oh, yes. He's been through some ... therapy," Tofu said, barely containing his chuckle, "so he's not going to be too active the next day or two. You can take him home now." "Arigato." She scrambled to her son's room to pack him up and leave while he was still out cold. Tofu picked up the current file and vanished into his office. From the entrance, a shrine was tossed in, clearing the path for the thrower. A middle-aged woman stepped carefully into the clinic, looking around. "Tofu?" she called. "Aren't you going to greet your poor old mother?" "Oh, crap," the doctor breathed. Another obstacle to his making up with Ko-chan! If his mother sees her - or worse yet, *him* - all Seven Rings of Hell will break loose! He hurried out of his office and into the lobby. "Mother! I didn't expect you back - " "Have you gotten married yet?" she asked. "Huh?" he replied intelligently. "Married! Espoused! With bride! Mated! Condition necessary for the production of legitimate heirs - hint, hint!" "Uh, no - " "WAAAAHHHH!! Where are my grandchildren?? I'm the only one in my circle without grandchildren!" She picked up the shrine, patting it affectionately. "And your dear, dear father, Tetsuro, so wanted grandchildren ... " Tofu cringed under the Martial Arts Elderly Mother Guilt Attack. "Mother, please - " he took her around her shoulders, pushing her back out to the door. "How can you not have found a girl to marry yet? You are still handsome, you have your hair, you're a doctor!" A female voice drifted to the lobby. "I'm sorry about the chocolate pudding on the sheets, Ono-san; I'll see if I can scrub it out." Tofu turned a brilliant shade of red as Ranko-chan came out of the back, still clad in the naughty nurse's uniform. His mother turned, a smile spreading across her face. "Oh, my wonderful son! How could you not tell me? Chocolate pudding and nurse uniforms, too." "Excuse me?" Ranko asked. "Have we met?" "What's your name, dear?" Mama Tofu dropped to her knees, observing the girl. "Uh, Ranko ... What the hell are you doing, you old pervert?" Ranko swatted the woman away, as said woman had been feeling along her hips. "Mother!" Tofu cried, pulling her away. "I'll ignore your disrespect on account of having a healthy, baby-producing pelvis. When are you marrying my son?" "Marry??" she asked. "What the hell is she talking about?" "Ko-chan ... meet my mother, Megumi Tofu." Ranko remained silent, studying the little woman as she studied her in turn. She finally remembered Ranma panicking about the weird old mother of the doctor's who tried to get him to marry Tofu, not knowing about his curse. She had a habit of 'pelvic fortunetelling', which freaked out all of the Tendo girls. <That's my future mother-in-law? Not that I care; I'm not marrying Ono. Nope. Not at all. Let her deal with Scrawny Little Miss Domesticity.> She looked from the doctor to his mother. He sure didn't get his looks from her. <Nice figure,> Mama Tofu considered. <Could handle several babies. Cute, though not too beautiful. Familiar,somehow. Fishnets have to go. Seems to already know my son quite well - chocolate pudding, indeed! And his father said he looked like a fairy!> Mama Tofu beamed, ready to start arranging the wedding. <Much as I love my mother,> the doctor thought to himself. <I won't let her have her way.> "Pleased to meet you, Tofu-san. My name's Ranko Saotome," she paused, looking down at the costume she wore. "Sorry 'bout this." "No problem at all, dear. I'll just leave you two alone to talk over the wedding plans - " "Is she aware we're not even dating, let alone getting married?" the redhead asked the doctor. Tofu lowered his head, feeling the tears well up for no reason. No, for a good reason. "Don't go breaking his heart, Ranko-chan," his mother stated, hitching up the shrine. "He has the weight of the Tofu family honor on his shoulders, being the head of the family now. He needs a wife, a mistress of the family house, a woman to give him heirs - " "Weren't you leaving, mother?" "Yes, your father and I must depart. Start on planning the wedding!" She hummed to herself as she left the clinic, leaving the doctor and his receptionist in great confusion in her wake. Just as the seven o'clock showed up. "Vell, vell, vell," remarked the talking German Shepherd. "Guten abend, Ranko-chan. Have I got a stoory for voo aboot a naughty noorse and - " "Can it, Ralph," Ranko replied, stomping to the back. "I'm not in the mood." "This way, please," Doctor Tofu nodded. Both were grateful for the interruption; Tofu's mother was just too damn weird for them to discuss. * * * * * * * * * * Ina Sophia from Medina (Spain) glanced over her appearance one more time. She adjusted the glamour again, covering her natural flaming orange-red color with the innocent blonde. She had combed her wild bangs down and tied the rest up in a side ponitail with a daisy hair comb. Her white blouse framed her green suspenders that lead down to her green skirt with the daisy print. She checked her eyes again, making sure the dark amber was obliterated by the shining stars in them. Tonight, she was going to claim Ono Tofu for herself again, once and for all. No one will interrupt, especially that top heavy Lina Inverse!! She activated a levitation spell, sending her flying through the night. * * * * * * * * * * Doctor Ono Tofu was doing some closing up at the end of the evening, planning to retire early after the exhausting and humiliating day. Trouble came a little after ten-thirty when a petite young woman entered the clinic. Tofu stiffened, feeling arms lace around his waist. Damnit, he hated it when magical beings did that without warning; it usually meant his ass was going to be kicked. "{Mm, Ono my darling love,}" she murmured in Romany (that being the language they had first spoken to each other in) into his back. Definitely not Ko-chan. "Um, Ina?" "{That's right,}" she purred. "{Such a good boy. I'll give you a spanking anyway. Having that tart here.}" <Who's the tart?> "Ina, I'm tired and I have a headache - " "{It's good for what ails you, my dear doctor,}" she turned him around and pushed him back against the desk. Ina pulled her hair out of the comb and let it fall over her small shoulders. "N-n-now, Ina!" Doctor Tofu stammered, trying not to panic. "This isn't the place - " "Anyplace is good," she countered, pulling her clothes off in a swift tug. Replacing the little girl outfit was something completely different. A sheer, sleeveless white robe covered black vinyl bra and panties, dotted with tiny studs that looked rather efficient. Dangling around her neck was a chain holding a small dagger (itself looking very efficient, too). A European dragon tattoo done in purple and green adorned her left hip. Black fishnet stockings grazed over her legs while vinyl black boots and fingerless fishnet gloves finished off the look. Tofu struggled against her emcompassing limbs, only succeeding in encouraging her. "Let - me - go!" She gasped, moaning. "I feel so comfortable with you, my darling. I must have you again! You must be mine!" Tofu twisted out of her grip and ducked past her, headed for the door. As he reached for the door handle, a bullwhip snapped out and wrapped itself around his throat. A twitch of Ina's wrist, and Tofu was on the floor at her feet. "Naughty boy," she purred. "You'll have to learn some ... discipline." He tried to roll away and get to his feet, but a spike heel pressed down on his chest. "Don't worry, Ono-sama. I've gotten you new shorts to wear - all battery-powered. No nasty extension cords to get tangled up in the manacles this time." Tofu whipped a hand over his head. He needed something to cool her off. "FREEZE ARROW!" Ina ducked and giggled. "You missed, silly boy!" A chunk of ceiling, groaning under the weight of being iced, detached from the rest and landed right on her. The girl went out cold; he tore the whip from his neck and dashed out of the clinic into the warm dark night. <Damn, wish I'd planned that.> DISCLAIMER: We couldn't help it; it was a full moon and there was romance in the air! -------------------- Ranma 1/2: "Our Wedding Day" pt. 9 by Lady Tesser and Jack Staik -------------------- When Ranko had gotten home that evening, she was still annoyed and high-strung concerning the meeting with the doctor's mother. Married. Children. Thinking she and Tofu were doing naughty things involving chocolate! She was only eating some chocolate pudding and it dripped on the bed. Not her fault the old bat thought it was naughty. Mama Tofu has a dirty mind. Ranma and Akane were watching TV while Ranko finished her dinner quietly and wandered outside. Ranma became worried; curiosity being one of the Hibiki-spawn downfalls, he followed her outside. "Ko-chan?" he whispered. He searched around the yard for her, looking around trees and statues. He never realized how large the Tendo yard was until he tried to look for someone. "Ko-chan?" A black shoe landed on top of his head. He pulled it off and looked up in the tree. "Well, Saotome," Ranko murmured. "Trying to get me alone, eh?" He chuckled, hopping into the tree to sit next to her on the branch. "We haven't talked for a while, huh?" he asked. Both stared up at the moon for a long silent moment, just sitting, doing nothing. "Tofu-sensei's mother came for a visit." "Gaahh!" he sighed. "Don't tell me she - " "Yep." "Poor Ko-chan," he drew his arms around her waist and lay his head on her shoulder. She held him, laying her head on top of his. "Seems destiny conspires to drive me insane." "Nah," Ranma replied. "Remember when destiny conspired to make me marry Ukyo?" "Conspiracy with indigestion; that was Genma's doing. This is different." "*Did* you love Doctor Tofu?" Ranko didn't answer. She rubbed his back, inhaling his scent gently. "Ko-chan?" "Part of me did - and still does. But I've always been in love with you, Ranma-sama," she breathed. "You were the only person in my world and you became the center of it. I never knew loving someone *outside* of them was frightening. What I feel for you is much stronger, closer, than with anyone else in this Universe." Ranma nodded, hugging her closer. "I loved you as much, Ko-chan. All the love I had ever had was from you the last year. I'm so afraid of being alone." "You're not alone," she replied, running a hand down his cheek. "We'll never be alone. We'll always have each other, ichunnohito." "Suki da," he whispered, kissing her cheek. "Ai shiteru," she breathed, darting her tongue out to lick his cheek. Their mouths met without thought, a short, soft kiss. Both pulled away in alarm. Ranma lept down from the tree and dashed into the house. Ranko lept to the roof and disappeared into her bedroom window. Akane stepped from behind the tree, a pulverized rock in her clenched fist. Akane had watched them. She wasn't jealous of the red-haired husband-stealer in the least little bit, she told herself, not at all. But something had to be done now that it progressed into a kiss. She couldn't let her husband be the rebound relationship for his emotionally-vulnerable twin. After all, he was such a wimp in romantic things, he'd probably be unable to stop her. So, Akane Saotome must come to his rescue! <Mental image: RANMA bound and helpless, being dragged off to a love motel by RANKO. RANKO is wearing fishneck stockings and a black dress slit thigh high and cut to the navel.> <RANMA: Eek! Help! Save me!> <RANKO: Nyah-hah-hah! You're mine now!> <AKANE jumps out in an outfit similar to the magical battle dougi.> <AKANE: I'll save you, Ranma!> <AKANE beats RANKO up and unties RANMA. RANMA jumps into her arms, kissing her.> <RANMA: My heroine!> She felt a matchmaking might be in order; after all, Ranko and Tofu-sensei made such a beautiful couple. * * * * * * * * * * Hiro was getting ready to rest whan a knock came on his bedroom window. He glanced out, and got the shock of his life. "Kuno-sempai??" "Yes, my trusty lieutenant. It is I, your team Captain." Hiro Watanabe, second-in-command of the Furinkan High Kendo Club, gazed at the figure before him in a bizarre combination of amusement, disgust, and disappointment. "Oh, my Captain!" "Worry not, my trusted friend!" Kuno proclaimed, holding high a pair of panties. "For while I may have been lax in my duty toward the team, I have found the path to true manly power!" Hiro shook his head sadly. <Oh my friend, that you would be reduced to this.> "Now I require your assistance!" Hiro looked at the bag of undergarments Kuno carried, at the ... *THING* ... that used to be a bokken in his hand. "Um ... I don't think -" "I need information! Since the evil sorcerer Tofu kidnapped my faithful man-servant, I have no knowledge of the fair, buxom, wide-hipped Goddess Ranko Saotome!" Hiro exhaled in relief. "For a minute I was afraid you were going to ask me to help you steal my sister's panties." "Already done. Do you know anything?" He shook his head. "Just that she resumed school. The only other thing I heard is that Ranma and Akane are getting married in a couple of weeks." "WHAT?!?" Kuno cried. "They are not wed yet?!?" "Well, you see -" "OH FRABJOUS DAY!! CALLOO!! CALLAY!!" Kuno chortled in his joy. "Then I may yet possess both the fierce and passionate Akane Tendo *and* the fiery Ranko Saotome!!" He jumped out the window. "I AM COMING TO SAVE YOU, MY LOVELY DARLINGS!!" Hiro shivered as he shut the window. "Dear gods, what sort of freak has he become ... wait a second. What did he mean 'already done'??" * * * * * * * * * * Ranko had changed into a robe and had taken her nightclothes with her as she went to take a bath. Nodoka invited her, so she needed some time off from thinking about 'could-have- beens' relating to all the men in her life (both of them). As she approached the bathroom door in the dark hall, she felt a presence enter the window behind her. Her agility brought her fist around and socked the intruder, sending him arse-over-teakettle on the floor. "Who the hell are you?" she demanded. "You have to hide me, Ko-chan!" a familiar voice implored her. She flicked the hall light on and saw Tofu sprawled on the floor, shaking in fear. She slapped him with her nightclothes. "You hentai!" she yelled, still hitting him. "Scaring the crap out of me like that!" "Gomen nasai! Just hide meeeee!" he cried, diving into the hamper in the bathroom. "Snivelling coward," she muttered. "Damn right!" he replied, muffled by clothing. She turned around and went into Nabiki's room; if there was anyone to help her male-bash, it was Biki. * * * * * * * * * * Nodoka stepped out of the furo and dried herself, wrapping a robe around her slight frame. She softly sang an old song to herself as she went from the laundry room to the hallway. "Ko-chan?" a voice asked behind her. She turned to see a man pop out of the laundry hamper, a pair of panties laying on top of his head. Nodoka screamed. Everyone poured out of their rooms. Nabiki and Ranko first, followed by Kasumi with a romance novel in hand and then Ranma and Akane, both pulling on robes. Sasuke appeared as well, wearing an NBC suit while he cleaned out Happosai's old room. Nodoka ran out of the bathroom and into her son's arms, crying hysterically. "What's wrong, mom?" he asked. She blubbered incoherently, pointing back into the laundry room. "Oh, I'm so sorry, Saotome-san! I thought you were Ko-chan!" Doctor Tofu said as he appeared in the door (still wearing the panties on his head). "This is different," Nabiki commented. "What the hell did you do to my mother??" Ranma asked. "Nothing!" he cried. "I never got a chance!" <Uh-oh,> Tofu thought after the words left his mouth. <That did *not* sound right.> Ranko slammed her forehead into her palm. "I dated a major pervert." Akane and Ranma's battle auras lit the hall, and Nabiki and Sasuke both went to hide. Kasumi buried her nose in her book and wordlessly went back to her room before her pheromones zapped Tofu's brain. "I saw nothing - I saw nothing - I saw nothing - " she chanted like a mantra. "You're going to die, you pervert!" Ranma announced. Ranko sighed, and grabbed Ranma by the ear, pulling him back. "Leave the freak alone. If he wants to hide in the laundry basket, let him." Nodoka regained a bit of composure and asked, "Why are you hiding in the laundry hamper, anyway?" "Ex-girlfriend chasing me." Ranma nodded. "Been there, done that." Akane elbowed him. Tofu looked around, alert again, and dove back into the hamper. "Remember: you never saw me." And slammed the lid back down. "Like we'd admit it," Akane said. "I need some aspirin," Nodoka stated. "Me, too," Ranma added. Ranko went into the laundry room and kicked the hamper. "Coward!" As her husband and his mother went downstairs for the aspirin and Ranko stomped off to her room, Akane approached the hamper and tapped on it. "Who is it?" "Yuko Moriyama." "Ichiro's not here; I thought you two broke up?" Akane blinked and opened the hamper. "Doctor Tofu! You're being a jackass!" He popped his head up slightly, a bra covering his head now. <Must be Ko-chan's,> Akane thought. <One cup covers his head like a cap.> "I'm sorry for you to see me like this, Akane-chan, but I fully admit I am scared to death of Ina finding me! She came into my office and went into the Whip-Mistress routine - " Akane smiled indulgently. "Uh-huh." "It's true! I barely escaped alive!" "Forget about her. Do you love Ko-chan?" He quieted, sitting back down in the hamper, lowering his face. "Yes. With all my soul. And I screwed up what we had. Gods, how I screwed up!" Akane knelt down and held his face in her hands. "Listen to me, Tofu-san. I know Ko-chan is still in love with you." He piku'ed a bit. "She is?" "Yes!" Akane said in her strongest voice. "And you have to show her that you love her, too! You *MUST* win her back!" He stood up out of the hamper in heroic pose (spoiled somewhat by the bra on his head). "I shall!" "Good. You're on your own," she finished, getting up. He shrunk back into the hamper. "She's moody. She could kill me right now." "Oh that. Just wait until the Midol kicks in." He sighed, pulling the lid on top of him. "While it helps the symptoms, it doesn't affect the mood-swings. Call me out in five days." She reached in, pulled him out one-handed, and dragged him down the hall. "You are going to make up with Ranko right now! You are going to march in there and demonstrate how manly and macho you can really be!" Kicking open Ranko's door, she threw him in overhanded. "NOW GET TO IT, YOU WORM!" Tofu scrambled to his feet and jumped for the door, but Akane had already nailed it shut from the outside. "THAT should get them to talking!" she crooned to herself as she went back to her room to await her husband. "What are *you* doing here?!?" Ranko snapped. "Well, in an existential sense -" Tofu began. "I mean in my room!" "Akane threw me in here!" he said. "Why would she do that?" He slumped. "Because I'm a weak, spineless jellyfish." "Sounds about right," she snorted. "You sleep on the floor." "As you wish." He bowed. "And take my bra off your head!" * * * * * * * * * * Cologne had two more nights. Time enough to work on more dreams for the Saotomes. She squinted as she peered into the scrying bowl. Ranma was curled up next to Akane, freshly worked out and in the lassitude of open consciousness; time for another enchantment. Cologne wrapped the red hair around the black, murmuring incoherent Chinese and Greek. Simultaneously, she evoked a memory of her girlhood, when she was more attractive and ... adventerous; a little escapade that made an eighteen-year- old Happosai's hair turn white for three days, and should be suitable for arousing two teenagers (assuming they survived the experience). She turned the watery image to Ranko, the girl sleeping soundly, if with trouble. Worrying too much. Cologne twisted the black hair back on the red, binding the two tightly together. The image split to show both, and the enchantment laced around them, weaving through their bodies and touching their souls. <A blur of purple and blonde, highlighted by flesh tone, becoming only a mass of colors and movement ... then figures could be seen, a redheaded girl and a blackhaired boy.> <They caress and kiss, gently at first, then gentleness became savage ravishing. Bruising and biting and animalistic humping. Tearing of clothes with teeth, rude pinches and grabbing. Building pressure with wetness and hardness.> Cologne observed the Saotomes' reactions in their sleep; Ranma thrusting against Akane's hip and Ranko writhing in her bed. She concentrated the attack on the boy, steering him to pursue the object in his dreams rather than the girl in his bed. So much easier to get him into the redhead's room. <Penetration, both raping the other as he keeps up with her, biting and squeezing - > Both awoke in their respective beds, sweating and aroused beyond return. Must have someone! NOW! * * * * * * * * * * Ranma grabbed Akane. "Hmm?" Akane exclaimed. "Ranma?" Then, "RANMA!!" Then, "Oh RANMA!!" * * * * * * * * * * Ranko turned over, finding the doctor sleeping on the floor. He was sprawled on his back, still in his clothes. She slipped over the side and sat on his hips, kissing him deeply. He awoke with a start. He murmured her name against her lips, around her persistant tongue. Her hands traced down his throat and his chest, shoving his shirt off. She broke the kiss and ground her pelvis down on his. "I want you so much, Ono my love." "Huh?" he asked. Ranko sat up and pulled her tank-top off, her breasts breathing freely without the restraint. She grabbed his wrists and placed his hands on her chest. "Please take me, Ono-chan, make me a real woman!" "Oh, one of those dreams again," he muttered, massaging her breasts. "No dream," she leaned closer to his face, licking his chin and lips. "I just want you. I just want to screw your brains out. Any questions?" Tofu was in awe of how she felt ... more vivid, more real, more <chuckle> delicious. "Are you ready, Ko-sama?" "Take me!" * * * * * * * * * * An undetermined amount of time later, Ranma and Akane held each other as they let the world return back to its normal pace. Akane raised her head, then giggled and smiled. "Mmm," Ranma murmured. "What izzit, anata?" "Sounds like Ko-chan and the doctor are at each other at last," she replied, kissing his forehead. Ranma remained silent, hearing his Ko-chan enjoying herself in the embrace of another man. "Are you sure it's her?" he asked. "You know you two have the same squeals in female form?" Akane commented. "Uncanny. Be happy for her, Ranma-sama. He loves her, she loves him - that's all that matters." Ranma sighed to himself, the memory of the dream flooding back. *He* should be the one making her moan and cry out. <No, you shouldn't,> a voice told him. But the thought of Ko-chan, all sweaty, her face contorted in ecstasy ... He took a deep breath and started in on Akane again. * * * * * * * * * * Nabiki growled under the pillow she was pressing onto her own head. "One set of horndogs is bad enough, but in *stereo*?? I'm spiking the food with sex-drive-killing drugs!" <Jealous, Nabiki?> that nasty voice inside herself asked. <YES!!> she yelled back. Regardless of her other faults, Nabiki was honest with herself. After all, she knew all the blackmail info about herself. Nabiki failed to hear the window slide open. "Is this the room of the fair Ranko? Yes! Behold the nubile form beneath the bedclothes! The lush hips, the firm buttocks, the way the rib cage is held above the bed by the bountiful bosom - it could be no other!" Nabiki scrambled up at the first feeling of hands on her posterior. "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU - MMRPH!!" She found a tongue in her mouth, kissing her deeply. She had no idea who this idiot was, but he was *so* dead! One hand grabbed his throat while the other one got the lamp from the nightstand. <CRASH!!> Nabiki looked at the somewhat-dazed figure on the floor. "Kuno," she muttered. "Kuso. The dream of five years comes true, and I kosh him with a lamp." She considered for a long moment as she stared at him. Despite the ugly Pikachu print boxers and the t-shirt saying 'Happiness Is a Handful of Warm Booby', she couldn't help but admire the fact he was well-built and quite cute. <As long as he keeps his mouth shut,> she added. She had two options open to her while he was still unconscious: toss him out the window or ravish him on the spot. Both appealed to her. "Mrrr ..." Kuno moaned. "Akane-chan? Ranko-chan? My loves?" For a moment, Nabiki was annoyed. But the racket coming from all sides now gave her other notions. <Oh what the hell, everyone else is doing it ...> "Of course, Tatewaki-sama." * * * * * * * * * * Kasumi was sitting up reading a romance novel. Hearing the noise from three different directions, she sighed and stuffed more cotton in her ears. The energy was weirding her out, making her think of Jiro in very improper ways. She even, briefly, dwelled upon a memory from her high school days concerning her Home Economics teacher and the proper way to knead pastry dough ... Kasumi put down the novel and picked up the 'Apartments for Rent' listings. "Let's see ... quiet efficiency apartment, no loud music ..." * * * * * * * * * * Downstairs in the dining room, Nodoka and Sasuke, being unable to sleep due to the noise, were playing cards, politely ignoring the racket from upstairs. <From 'House of the Hentai' to 'Whorehouse',> Sasuke thought to himself. <Reminds me of that brothel my brother-in-law works in as a bouncer.> "Dealer takes three." <It's so good Tofu-sensei is sleeping with Ranko tonight,> Nodoka mused. <Accepting a man into her bed before marriage may not be proper, but at least it isn't her brother.> "Two, please." Sasuke's head jerked up briefly at a familiar sound. <That sounded like ... nah.> Shaking his head to rid himself of such silly notions, he concentrated on his cards. * * * * * * * * * * Cologne tried to regain her view of her two subjects, but huge amounts of free ki-energy were being expended in the vicinity, interferring with her scrying. <Could that be ... SUCCESS!!> She chortled to herself. <Must be an epic shagging, too. If I didn't know better, I'd swear that was the energy of several people!> Then she noticed something; some of that energy was *here*! Pogoing down the ship's corridors, Cologne followed the trail of tantric force to it's origin ... ... Mousse's cabin? A quick peek ... Cologne chuckled to herself. It seemed that Rose Petal found a way to make the Duck-Boy forget Shampoo. <Probably a side-effect of my shapings ... must watch that corona effect next time,> she said to herself. DISCLAIMER: Yuriko Takahashi did *not* create "Ranma 1/2". It was *Rumiko*. -------------------- Ranma 1/2: "Our Wedding Day" pt. 10 by Lady Tesser and Jack Staik -------------------- The next morning was a bleary, warm day in Nerima. Ryoga and Shampoo went about their duties at the Nekohanten, more playful than usual - a squeeze here or a kiss there (some of the squeezes more intimate than others, which bothered Shampoo not at all). Conditioner was settling into his new playpen, but insisting he wanted to be with his Youba-chan. Shampoo had a feeling something happened last night. Something powerful. As Matriarch of the Fourth Village (population of four, but you gotta start somewhere), it was her duty to find out. "{Conditioner want to ride with Youba while she delivers orders?}" she asked the infant. He laughed. Ryoga had to admit the kid was pretty smart; he recognized words and tones and associated them with certain activities. Kinda like the dog his grandfather had given them - 'Daddy' always meant Ichiro, 'Brother' was always Ryoga, and 'Mama' was always Ichiko. His mother insisted. When she was around. Ryoga thought about his mother, trying to pull up a mental picture of her. She was always a hazy figure in his mind, his father was clearer. He wondered if his mother would approve of Shampoo as his fiancee and future wife. "[Darling, are the orders ready?}" Shampoo asked. "Yeah." * * * * * * * * * * Ranko and Akane both entered the laundry room, carrying bundles of soiled clothing and bedding. Akane smirked. "Did you enjoy yourself, Kitten?" she asked, using the endearment Tofu had given her. Ranko blushed and replied, "You should talk - Sweetie-pie." Both giggled as they threw their loads into the washer. Nabiki appeared, humming to herself. She had her own load in her arms. "Good morning, dear sisters," she chuckled. Ranko and Akane blinked, afraid to ask. "Biki, did you -" "She couldn't have!" "Not with Sasuke!" Nabiki turned to both and stuck her tongue out. "No; as a matter of fact, I had his former employer in my bed last night." "You're not serious!" Ranko giggled. "It came true?" "Hold the phone!" Akane squealed. "What are you two talking about?" "Come see," Nabiki grinned, taking them by their wrists and out into the hall. Ranma appeared out of his bedroom and followed the girls to see what was going on. Ranko, Akane, Ranma, and Nabiki peeked into the latter's room, seeing the results of a ravishment. Kuno was passed out, his tongue hanging out of his mouth, his boxers draped over the desk lamp and his shirt with the naughty slogan tied up around his armpits. "Is he dead?" Akane whispered. "How are we going to get rid of the body?" Ranko asked. "Ewww," Ranma commented. "You didn't use that stupid bokken, did you?" Nabiki looked at him blankly. "What bokken?" Akane plugged her fingers into her ears. "I don't want to know!" "Take a bath," Ranko wrinkled her nose. "You stink." "And you ain't a bush of roses, either, toots," Nabiki replied. "Did the doctor survive?" "Never mind!" Ranma interjected. "What are we gonna do about *him*??" Nabiki shrugged. "Who cares? I got mine." Ranma banged his head into a wall. "I'm going to the dojo!" The girls giggled. "Ugh, my back," Nodoka moaned as she entered the bathroom. "Sorry to have kept you up all night, Nodoka-san," Sasuke added, continuing down the hall to his room. "No, I shouldn't have insisted on playing so long," she replied. All four proceeded to facefault in the hallway. "I didn't hear that," Akane decided. "She's your mother-in-law," Nabiki stated. "I feel the shame!" Ranko cried, dropping to her knees and looking to the heavens. Ranma decided the fastest way to the dojo was to jump out a window. Screaming. "Men can't handle anything," Nabiki observed. "Let's check on the redhead's man." "Hey!" Ranko said, following the sisters to her room. Nabiki inched the door open and three heads looked in. "Sleeping like the dead," Akane said. "Good job, Ko-chan. Couldn't have done better myself." The redhead matched her hair color. She mumbled a 'thanks'. "He's still breathing," Nabiki added. "Not too good." "Shush," Akane told her as Nabiki went downstairs. "Ko-chan, I'm so glad you and Tofu-san are together again." Ranko sobered and became expressionless. "It was just sex. Nothing else." "Excuse me, but 'bullshit'," Akane said. "He loves you, despite his stupid behavior. I know you love him - you're too much like Ranma to 'just have sex'." "Yes, I do love him," Ranko replied. "Yet, it's a matter of principle now. I'm not going to be a doormat for any man." She sighed, leaning her head against the door frame. "Not all men are Niichan, Akane. Despite his lack of common sense, he always thought of you first and tried to protect you. Even though it meant ruining his reputation and even put him in danger, he threw it all away for you." Akane nodded. "And I abused him for it. I'm just sorry I didn't recognize it earlier." "Little ways, oneechan," Ranko reminded her. "I just wish I could find someone like Ranma ... in that way. I was hoping Ono would be The One; guess I'll have to wait and see what happens." Internally, Akane yelled, <Are you CRAZY, you incestuous hussy?? For God's sake, take the doc!!> Akane smiled and put a hand on Ranko's shoulder. "I guess that's all you can do. Please, give him a chance. I know you two were happy together. I know you will be again." "Thanks for having faith when I don't," Ranko hugged her. "Niichan is a lucky guy to have you for a wife." Akane smiled. "Arigato. Let's take a bath, we're all wiff." * * * * * * * * * * Ono Tofu felt consciousness enter his dreams, changing them to thoughts. His dream blended into a thought of pinning his little red tart to a mattress and ... Awareness descended upon him. Magic. The room stank of it. "WHO DID THIS?!?" The yell was punctuated by an incoherent blast of force, demolishing part of the ceiling. His love for Ko-chan, his First Time with her, had been ... tainted! Warped! "SOMEONE'S GOING TO PAY FOR THIS!!" Everyone in the house rolled their eyes and headed for Ranko's room; having had to rush to some yell or other so often the past few days had exhausted their Surprised Panic quota. "What's up, doc?" Nabiki said casually, trying to make the doctor relax. Everyone else (Ranko especially) was busy being terrified of Tofu's aura, part battle-aura and part Something Else - a Something that appeared to be *looking* at them ... "Think we can use Kuno as a blast shield?" Akane suggested. "That thick head of his should stop anything!" Ranko considered it for a second. "Magic!" Tofu yelled. "This whole room stinks of magic!" "You can smell it over all the hormones?" Nabiki commented. The martial artists among the witnesses managed to see the doctor's Third Eye open and look about the room. Since it was a psychic phenomenon, Nabiki and Nodoka and Sasuke saw nothing. "A spell was cast," Tofu snarled. "A powerful spell of suggestion. Designed to create lust." Everybody was stunned. "Is that why everyone was shagging like rutting minks last night?" Sasuke asked. "Quite disgraceful," Nodoka commented. Ranko walloped the small ninja. "Who are you two to talk, you pervs??" Nodoka and Sasuke looked blankly at Ranko. Tofu dismissed this with a wave. "Most magic generates a corona - a 'splatter', if you will. But since most spells are cast at close range, this effect is minimal." He pushed past the crowd at the door and went into the hall. "The corona here was enormous - covering the whole upper floor! *Anyone* who was up here last night would have been almost *forced* to have sex!" Akane's, Nabiki's, and Ranko's eyes got real big. "KASUMI!!" they all cried. They all rushed to Kasumi's room ... which was empty. "Oh no!" Akane exclaimed. "Poor, helpless, innocent Kasumi was overwhelmed and ran out into the night! The Gods alone know what depraved hentai got ahold of her -" "Yeah - like her boyfriend," Nabiki chuckled. "Nabiki!" Ranko snapped. "This is serious! Somebody cast a spell on our house, and Kasumi's missing!" "Not to mention Doc Tofu's running around as naked as the day he was hatched," Nabiki pointed out. "And after spending last night with 'Stick-Boy', I do appreciate it." Everyone looked at Tofu. Tofu looked down at himself, blushed, and dashed back to Ranko's room for his clothes. "He's no Ichiro," Nodoka said. "No Ranma either," Akane said. "He's nice," Ranko said proudly, "But my body's better." Everyone looked at her strangely. "When I'm a guy!" Sasuke went to his room to break out his emergency ration of tequila. * * * * * * * * * * Shampoo bounced the Bicycle of Death off the rooftops, making her early-morning deliveries of Chinese breakfasts to the night-watchmen, late-night businesses, and insomniacs of Nerima. Her baby was nestled against her bosom, her man awaited her at home, and all was right with the world. The Bicycle of Death made a perfect two-point landing on the road, preparing to head into Lo-Wan's All-Night Social Club (nudge-nudge wink-wink) and Off-Track Betting Parlor (unliscensed - except by the Yakuza) when a loud bang heralded a cloud of smoke billowing around her. By reflex, Shampoo yanked up on the B.o.D.'s handlebars as she kicked off the ground, sending the bicycle straight up in a backward somersault. Several figures leapt into the cloud, expecting to tackle a bicycle-riding Amazon, but instead ramming into each other. As the smoke cleared, the figures of several rather portly ninjas became visible, all lying in a pile - with Shampoo and the B.o.D. perched atop the pile. She shook her head. "Stupid ninjas! Make Shampoo late for delivery!" "Goo," added Conditioner, shaking his little fist. About a dozen figures in trenchcoats leapt out of the alleys and surrounded Shampoo. "If stupid mans want delivery, be disappointed. Just steam rolls." The figures cast off their trenchcoats, revealing themselves as ninjas. Rather chubby ninjas. Shampoo rolled her eyes. "This just stupid," she muttered. They struck various battle poses and pulled out nunchakus, shurikens, and assorted other weaponry. The Amazon shrugged. "Stupid ninjas want trouble, stupid ninjas get trouble." Two of the large ninjas leapt to the attack, only to be smashed into the pavement by a one-two bonbori assault. "Excuse Shampoo moment," she said. Shampoo backflipped up and over the ninjas behind her, ending up in a nearby doorway. She took off the baby-carrier and put it against the door. "[Mommy has to do Horrid Things to the stupid ninjas, so you stay here and watch Mommy, okay?]" Conditioner gurgled happily. Shampoo flipped backwards, executing a perfect handstand and kicking a ninja behind her in the face. "Be careful!" she snapped. "Might hurt baby!" The door behind the baby opened and a man stepped out. Picking up the child, he smiled at the innocent face. "Well-well, my adoped grandson - we meet again." Ichiro Hibiki looked out at the Ninjas-Vs-Amazon duel in the street. Shampoo held her own easily, but she was outnumbered twelve to one, and they were absorbing her best shots with only minor discomfort. "Hmmm," he said appraisingly. Shampoo was getting frustrated. Her attacks were aimed at sensetive areas, designed to knock out the toughest opponents, but the seemed to be having only minimal effect. Her adversaries were knocked back, disoriented, but they were all still up. What was worse, the original group was recovering and joining in! As she assessed the best route for a tactical withdrawl (Amazon Secret Technique - adapted from the Saotome Secret Technique), several ninjas were knocked aside. "Hello, Shampoo-chan," Ichiro greeted her, the baby in the crook of one arm. "[Hello, my future father-in-law,]" she greeted him while spin-kicking another ninja. "[What brings you by?]" Ichiro's free hand snapped out, catching two ninjas in their throats. "[I was speaking to a customer who lives near here, and I saw you.]" He leapt straight up, kicked the four ninjas behind him in the face, and landed on both feet. "[You seemed to be having some difficulty.]" Shampoo nodded. "[They do seem to be rather bothersome. And it's slowing down my delivery schedule.]" A manriki-gusari (like a nunchaku, but with eight to twelve feet of heavy chain connecting the bars, which are also metal) arced toward Ichiro's head, which he caught with one hand. A snap of his wrist, and the weapon was yanked from its owner's grasp. "[Well, we can't have that,]" Ichiro said firmly. The manriki-gusari snapped out like a bullwhip, the end of it blurring with speed, smashing into the skulls of all the ninjas. Ichiro jerked at the weapon, making the entire three-and-a- half-meter length coil around his wrist. As it did, all of the ninjas hit the ground simultaneously. Shampoo piku-piku'ed at the sight. "[Uh ... not bad,]" she understated. "[Thank you,]" he said, smiling. "[Unfortunately, I don't have as much time to practice the Art as I once did. I'm somewhat rusty.]" Ichiro handed the baby back to Shampoo, then he bent down and pulled off a ninja's mask. "[This is unusual,]" he said. Shampoo bent over to see what he was talking about. The ninja in question was a giant pig in a ninja suit. * * * * * * * * * * Kasumi was bustling in the kitchen, humming to herself as she went about making breakfast. Several heads appeared in the doorway, watching her closely. "Oh, good morning, everyone!" she greeted them. "Breakfast will be ready in a few minutes. I'm sorry I'm late this morning." "Where were you, oneechan??" Akane ran in and hugged her around the waist. "More importantly," Nabiki stated. "Who were you with?" Kasumi chuckled. "Oh, the vegetable man and some of the fish mongers and that nice check-out boy at the market -" "AAARRRRGGHHH!" the girls cried. "Poor Kasumi!" Akane squeezed her sister tight. "Don't worry, Oneechan! We'll get vengeance! I swear it!" "What?" she asked blankly. "I went to the market early this morning to shop for more food. Am I correct that Aunt Nodoka and Tofu-sensei will be staying for breakfast?" "Uh," Ranko said. "You didn't run out and -" "- get raped by some pervert?" Akane finished. "Or rape some pervert yourself?" Nabiki added. "Oh my! Of course not!" Kasumi replied, blushing. "Whatever gave you that idea?" "I'll explain it to you," Ranko said. The rest retreated to the dining room or upstairs. The dining room was a mess with empty glasses and a half-eaten bowl of popcorn on the table with playing cards scattered everywhere. "Sasuke-san and I were playing cards in here last night," Nodoka informed Nabiki. "We fell asleep on the floor." "And now the backaches," the ninja added. "I'm getting too old to catch up with these kids." "Oh, Sasuke," Nabiki chuckled. "A pervert found his way in my room. Can you get rid of Kuno-Baby?" Sasuke sighed. "Yes, Nabiki-sama," he answered, pulling on rubber gloves. Nodoka leaned close to Nabiki. "Sasuke's a nice man, but I still think he's a bit old for you." Nabiki opened her mouth to reply, but thought better of it. * * * * * * * * * * Ranma, being terminally embarassed, had taken a jog around Nerima. When he got back and saw that part of the roof was missing, he immediately panicked. After Akane explained to Ranma what had happened, he went from 'panicked' to 'disembowel somebody'. Akane spent most of the time until breakfast was ready trying to calm him down (his battle-aura being strong enough to make the dojo's structure warp all by itself). "Who did this?? And why??" "That's what Doctor Tofu's trying to find out, anata. Please calm down or I'll have to throw you in the pond again!" "We already know who did it," he snarled. "The doc's loony ex-girlfriend." Akane was puzzled. "Why her?" "She knows magic. She was trying to get the doc, and got us instead." Akane nodded. "Makes sense." "We find her - and POW!" he snapped, punching empty air. The air pressure of the punch knocked a hole in the wall. "She taught Doctor Tofu magic," Akane pointed out, "and we've seen him in action. Ina's probably better." "The doc can help," Ranma said. "He's terrified of her, remember? He spent most of last night hiding in our laundry hamper." Ranma looked surprised at the thought of anyone being afraid like that, then nodded. "Okay. But I'm still gonna hurt her!" She nodded. "So am I. Because of that spell, my sister had sex with *Kuno*! Yeck!" They both shivered. * * * * * * * * * * Doctor Tofu sat outside, absently throwing pebbles into the koi pond as he dwelled on last night. Her love for him wasn't real. Her need for him to be her First wasn't real. It was forced. Only because he was in the room, he was able to sate the appetite of a lust spell. If it were Ranma there instead of him, it wouldn't have mattered, either. Ranko admitted she wouldn't mind a round or two between the sheets with her diploid twin, and Tofu found himself jealous of that. He never thought he'd find himself jealous at all. Strange feeling. "Hey, Ono-sweetie," a familiar sultry voice lilted next to him. He turned, finding Eryala with a box of half-eaten popcorn. She smiled warmly at him, her limeade-green eyes dancing with joy. "You did this, didn't you?" he asked her half-heartedly. "Nope," she replied, darting her sharp tongue out to lick her lips. "I wish I did; it'd get me a hell of a promotion. So to speak." "So to speak," he repeated. "Any idea who did it, then?" "Someone pretty powerful. Old, too, if their experience with cloaking is any indication. Wish I knew who, I'd shake their hand and ask for apprenticeship." "Egaaahhh," Tofu rubbed his face with his hand. "I want to kill the bastard for making a mockery of a sacred act. This was my First with her!" "And her very First as well; poor Ono-sweetie!" she cried, hugging him with all her limbs. "Will you stop it? This is serious!" he stated as he pushed her away. She picked popcorn kernels out of his hair. "I am being serious. But I know a woman's heart better than you do, O Studious One. She loves you deeply. That's why you're not dead now." He thought about it. "You're right; she'd kill me after what happened last night." "Exactly," she conceded. "Now, why are you beating yourself silly over it?" "It hurts, Eryala, it hurts. The one girl I can finally love with all my soul, and I blow it." "Oh, the little Dominatrix," the succubus giggled. "Nothing like the present to take care of such things. Shall I ... " "No," he replied. "I'll have to do it." The red-skinned demon kissed him gently, tracing a long black nail down his throat. "You're sweet. I'm tempted to drag you off for my own." She raised her arms and smiled at him coyly as she vanished in a flash of light fade. He glanced into her shadow and drew back, not wanting to be drawn in. Again. Tofu sat up and meditated, tasting the residual magic from the second floor of the Saotome house. Often, a caster's aura blended into the spell like a fingerprint. Eryala was right, it reeked of an older being. Foreign, not of Japan. Powerful and even reckless; the corona effect had to have been from a great distance, and the largest concentration of residue was in Ko-chan's room and Ranma and Akane's room. But that would mean ... His eyes snapped open. Only one thing to do. First, some wards around the Saotome house ... Then a little talk with Shampoo, to find some information. * * * * * * * * * * The Yasakuni Shrine is the holiest place in the Shinto religion. Emperors are sent to the afterlife through its portals. Tradition says that the souls of those destined to be reborn as gods pass into the Spirit Realm through the Yasakuni Shrine. This morning, those paying respects to the gods and ancestors were treated to a unique spectacle. In mid-air, a crackle of energy formed, then expanded and swirled, forming a disc-like vortex in the air. A clap of thunder, a flash of light, and horror emerged from the vortex. The priests and worshippers looked on in shock as the strange being oriented itself and looked around. She sniffed the air. "I smell food!" she cried, running toward the door. A few minutes later, the owners of several yatais looked on in shock as the tiny girl demolished their entire food supplies - and in more shock at the shiny gold coins she offered in payment. "Hadn't seen anyone eat like that outside of Nerima," one of them commented. "Where's that?" she asked. They started giving directions, but she waved them to silence. "Which direction?" They pointed. With a cry of "RAYWING!", the red-haired girl flew into the sky. Lina Inverse had arrived in Tokyo. Be afraid. Be very afraid. DISCLAIMER: This fanfic was not involved in any African or European swallows being injured while carrying coconuts. --------------------- Ranma 1/2: "Our Wedding Day" pt. 11 by Lady Tesser and Jack Staik --------------------- At TokyoTV ... "What do we know about this fortune?" a news 'journalist' aked her staff researcher. The researcher pulled out his notes. "The trust was founded by industrialist Hitoshi Matsuhara for his grandchild. It was set up in Matsuhara's will so that his daughter's husband, one Genma Saotome, wouldn't get his hands on it." "What about this 'Genma'?" The researcher snorted. "He's got a police record stretching back over thirty years in twenty-two countries!" The 'reporter' leaned in, smelling blood. "A master criminal? An international drug kingpin? A white slaver or smuggler?" "I wish! A petty thug. Offenses include loitering, vagrancy, skipping out on hotel and restaurant bills, panhandling, stealing housepets, and pilfering food. There are also numerous notes on file by various police agencies suspecting him of child abuse." "Ugh," the 'reporter' said. "Hardly a ratings grabber." The researcher grinned. "Oh, you'll *love* this! His wife, Nodoka Matsuhara, is suing for divorce!" "Oh? What grounds?" "Non-consummation." The 'reporter' grabbed the research material. "So this 'heir' is -" "- conceived by her lover," the researcher confirmed. "Oooo!! Now *this* is better! Who's the father?" "A man named Ichiro Hibiki." "Ichiro-chan?" "Huh?" She shook her head and let it drop. "Nothing. What about the heir?" "It's still unclear whether the heir was Ranma Saotome or Ranko Saotome. Records show that a Ranma Saotome married an Akane Tendo not more than a few days ago, and there was a death certificate for Ranko Saotome - Ranma's stillborn twin sister - from seventeen years ago." The 'reporter' looked puzzled. "But if she's dead -" The researcher shook his head. "Ranko Saotome was enrolled at Furinkan High School along with both Ranma Saotome and Akane Tendo. Further research found her to be working for a local physician by name of Ono Tofu." The researcher handed over a photo of the girl in question. "Not bad," the 'reporter' commented. "Wait," the researcher said. Then he handed over a cocktail napkin with a picture of the same girl, her hair in a braided pigtail, topless, in a casually provocative position. "Oh my," quoth the 'reporter'. "These were sold internationally over the internet a few months ago by one Nabiki Tendo - the sister of Akane Saotome, who just married Ranma Saotome." The 'reporter' grew a feral smile. "I smell ratings! Not little OJ-type, but *big* ratings!" * * * * * * * * * * Ranma and Akane prepared for school in their room, wasting time on touch and talk before they headed downstairs. He loved her, loved her dearly. He'd fought for her, he'd suffered for her, he'd even killed for her. Yet, the thoughts kept pounding on the door to his consciousness. Nasty little naughty thoughts concerning the girl most forbidden to him. Ranma knew he loved Akane, even when there wasn't sex. He wanted to make a home with her, have children, grow old together. Things that most marriages thrive on, things that will always be there even at seven in the morning when they're getting the children ready for school. That kind of love. Were these feelings a last chance to 'sow his oats'? (What are oats, anyway?) Nuh-uh!!! The doc said it was magic. He didn't start having these dreams until a few days ago, and last night was too damn vivid for him to come up with! Yes, he was jealous! The doc was in Ko-chan's bed; a rival was taking away the one person who will always be with him, who always *was* with him in the most intimate of ways - within his own flesh! "Ready, Ranma-sama?" Akane asked. "Yes, my ichunnohito," he replied, kissing her face. Akane smiled, even as a chill passed through her. She *knew* he was thinking of Ranko. But she also knew that he loved her - a love totally different from the way he felt about Ranko. Worst of all, she couldn't just pummel her. That's what was frustrating about the whole mess - she could hold her own, and probably beat her in a fair fight. And it would force Ranma to take sides, for which he'd never forgive either one. Akane knew that she couldn't compete with Ranko. And that she shouldn't have to. But there was still that mean, sour- tempered little tomboy in her heart grabbing Ranma and yeling 'mine-mine-mine!' * * * * * * * * * * "What do you mean you have to leave Nerima?" Ranko asked calmly as Tofu finished drinking his tea. "My suspicions regarding what occurred last night have lead me to the conclusion - " "Like hell," she muttered. "'Love-'em-and-leave-'em' type, should have known." "It's not like that," he countered, taking her hand in his. "I'm sorry to tell you this, Ranko Saotome, but I care about you, and I'm going to find out why someone is mucking around with our affections." She yanked her hand away. "It was just sex," she stated, crossing her legs and turning away. Her arms crossed her chest, then lowered under her ribcage; she found her breasts were tender. "And who had who pinned?" he asked. "At what point?" she replied. "Point taken. I must go and confront this person; I want to know what they have to gain by trying to turn this place into a brothel." "You didn't like our ... ?" she mumbled, lowering her face. He smiled gently, tracing her cheek. "I loved it, my darling girl. But it wasn't real." "It wasn't real," she repeated. "I feel violated." She looked up, then hit him with a slipper. "You took advantage of me, you pervert!!" He pulled off his own slipper and swatted her back. "*Who* did *what* to *whom*, Little Miss 'The-Light-Fixtures-Can- Hold-Our-Weight'?" "You knew what was going on and took advantage of my vulnerable state, lecher!" "If I did, why tell you about it the next day?" "You're a weirdo is all." He smiled sadly. "I forgive you for saying that." She lowered her eyes, ashamed. He wasn't going to get away with it that easy, though. "Get out." Tofu allowed his shoulders to slump. "I'll go. I'll find who did this, and make sure you're safe. And I'll prove myself to you." Ono walked away quickly. He didn't want anyone to see the tears on his face. Ranko kept her eyes closed as she felt him leave the room. She buried her face in her arms on the table and sobbed. "Don't leave me, Ono. Don't leave me." Akane saw Tofu leave, then went to the dining room to find Ranko weeping. Thoughts of jealousy were pushed out of her mind as she comforted her sister-in-law. * * * * * * * * * * Ryoga followed the yellow string Shampoo set up for him to the mailbox. He located the bills and letters and followed the yellow string back into the kitchen. Why the yellow string made a detour through Oz, he wasn't sure. (Oh, well, it was good to see Charley Horse again.) Water bill, electric bill, gas bill, junk mail, letters from China ... And one addressed to him, using his full name. The script was in an ornate style done up with black ink and shimmers of sliver. He turned the envelope over and gazed at the silver rose seal, brilliant in the flourescent lights of the kitchen. He open it and read the following: [My Grandson Ryoga,] [It is with light heart that I write you with my congratulations on your impending marriage with the Amazon warrior-woman Xian Pu. I sincerely hope that you defy family tradition and are blessed with a happy home.] [With this note is also a warning. I know your mother 'loses' herself constantly and most likely has not told you what you should be aware of. Since she herself is unaware of many things that I should have warned her about long ago, I hold myself responsible for that. The sins of the fathers are passed down to the sons, it seems.] [You are a grown man and must make your own decisions, but I must warn you not to consort with anyone claiming to be related to me. I don't want you to be entangled in family problems you have no stake in. Besides, they're all ruthless, unprincipled bastards - especially me.] [I shall visit you soon, my Grandson. I'm not sure when, but you shall know me.] [Your Grandfather] Ryoga scratched his head, puzzling over the message. He received a few notes from his mother's father throughout his life, and each was always confusing. What was most unusual was that they arrived wherever he was at the time, no matter how lost he was. Well, he had dishes to do at the moment. * * * * * * * * * * The front gate of the Tendo-turned-Saotome Dojo was swarmed with tabloid and 'legitimate' reporters and cameramen, eager to sink their fangs into the young heir and his/her in-laws. The fact that there may or may not be two heirs, along with a bizarre mystery concerning a girl who may or may not be alive (plus the naughty pictures), was fodder enough for several volumes of tabloid articles. Puzzling to the reporters was the fact that the neighbors refused to speak with them concerning the Tendo and Saotome families. The reporters detected the scent of fear like pigs sniffing trash, and it had to be investigated. Last night's shenanigans regarding the sudden sexual activity (loud enough to be heard from thre street) was the juiciest story they could hope for. Another was making its way out. Sasuke, mumbling incoherently about damn-fool perverts and weirdo employers, hauled a prone Kuno with his bokken glued to his chest outside. The ninja took a deep breath and pitched the human rubbish over the wall, landing him face- down in the garbage can. Several reporters crowded around to loot (what else do they do, really?) through the garbage (what else is Kuno, really?) and find out what happened. Headlines of 'Human Sacrifices Found In Saotome Garbage' danced through their dung-addled brains. Kuno awoke to being manhandled by several people. "What is this?" he asked, shaking his head to clear what cobwebs wouldn't go away. "I have survived the embraces of both my Akane-chan and Ranko-chan?" Reporters scribbled furiously in their notebooks. He looked down at the females among the throng, and smiled widely. "Ah, my lovelies! I need nourishment from thy bosoms!" An undeterminded amount of time later, Kuno was being hunted down by the mob of female reporters for not only copping feels but for stealing various undergarments as well. He bounded down the street, laughing maniacally, energized from the drains and the loving he got from his darlings. "I shall woo thee proper, my voluptuous loves!" he cried, seeing ultra-kawaii versions of Akane and Ranko in the clouds above him. "Today, tomorrow, forever!" A Bicycle of Death landed on him as Shampoo swerved into the Saotome Dojo, thus allowing the mob to kick him while he's down (tabloid reporters being experts at such things). Shampoo noted the Beating of the Pervert (a fine old Nerima tradition) with some approval, and went to enter the Saotome home. Just as a mob of reporters surrounded her, babbling questions at her in a language that she had only passing fluency in at best. "Shampoo not have time for this!" she cried, punching her way through the crowd while she held her son close to her chest in his carrier. Soon, the press of reporters lightened up as the closer-in ones began to flee for their lives, only to be blocked by the ones further out trying to press their way in. "Is Ranma Saotome your child's father?" someone yelled out quite distinctly. "No, Stupid!" she chided. Shampoo grabbed one at random in a choke-hold and leapt to the roof, then went in a window. Conditioner chose that moment to spit up in the reporter's face. Sasuke looked up from the pile of unmentionables he was putting in a garbage can and raised the visor on his NBC suit. "Hello, Miss Shampoo and child. May I help you? Please don't touch anything - this was Happosai's old room." Shampoo shrank back from *everything*. Much as she loved her son, his former life as the Grand High Pervert of Japan (and possibly all Asia) still made her nauseous. "ICK! Where door?" He pointed, and Shampoo hopped over him and into the hall. "Is Saotomes here?" "Downstairs." "Arigato." "Hey!" the reporter cried. "Ack! Please let me go! Urk!" Shampoo paid him no mind as she hopped off the second-floor balcony down to the first-floor walkway. The ear-splitting scream he emitted as she hopped did attract some attention. "What *now*?!?" Ranma snapped, coming into the hall. "Nihao, Ranma!" "Hiya, Shampoo. Who's this?" "Prisoner from mob seiging dojo. For interrogation." "BWAAAK!!" the reporter commented, trying to get away from the petite Chinese girl. Shampoo bonked him with a small mallet. "Cut that out! Take torture like man!" "TORTURE?!? YAAAAAHHHHHH!!!" "Stop screaming - make baby upset!" She dropped the man and cuddled Conditioner. "Shampoo-chan," Kasumi chided gently, "Please don't scare him. Don't worry, sir - we have no intention of torturing you." "Arigato - URK!!" "But," Ranma added, holding the reporter off the floor by his throat, "I would like to know why you people are surrounding our house!" "It's news! Huge fortune - mysterious heirs - sex - AKKK!!!" "You've been spying on us?!?" Ranma yelled. Ranko came in, Akane and Nabiki right behind. "Can't you guys keep it down? I want to wallow in self-pity in peace!" She glanced at the man Ranma was strangling. "Who's that?" "One of the reporters," Ranma said. "I was gonna beat him up and hang him from the dojo roof to scare them away." At this point, the reporter started crying. Nabiki shook her head. "Nah, that would just make the rest hungrier. The best way to handle this is to put out some counter-rumors. Let him go, Ranma." Ranma shrugged, acknowledging Nabiki's superior skill in Martial Arts Rumor-Mongering, and let his captive fall to the floor. Nabiki picked him up and brushed him off. "I'm Nabiki Tendo - executor and press agent for the Saotome estate. I'll be happy to give you an exclusive interview, Mister - ?" "Hitori Dezaki, 'Tokyo Intruder'," the reporter coughed. "When did you become our press agent?" Akane asked. "Just now. And believe me, my services don't come cheap." As Nabiki led the traumatized-and-thus-easily-manipulated reporter away, Kasumi asked, "What brings you by, Shampoo- chan?" "Oh!" Shampoo exclaimed. "Almost forgot! Wanted to warn Airen's family!" "Warn us?" Ranma said, all three Saotomes tensing up. "About what?" "Shampoo attacked on delivery route by gang of ninja pigs!" "Huh?" Akane and Ranma said. "Akari?" Ranko said. "But she seemed like much too nice a person to train ninja livestock." "Pig-Girl nuts!" Shampoo stated. "Might try nastiness with Airen's family!" "Most likely she'll concentrate on you," Ranma said. "But we'll keep an eye out. And if you need help, let us know." "Arigato, Ranma," Shampoo said, giving him a hug. Ranma glanced over nervously at Akane, as if expecting to be malleted. But the hug was brief, and Akane just smiled at him, making him release the breath he'd been holding. "Why so tense?" Akane said. "You act like I'm some sort of insanely jealous uncute tomboy who'd mallet you just for being hugged by some girl!" The brief silence following that statement was shattered by everyone in earshot breaking into laughter. Nabiki poked her head back in the hallway. "What's the fuss about?" "Akane-chan's developing a sense of humor!" Ranko chortled. Nabiki nodded. "Good. About time." * * * * * * * * * * "BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!" The Evil Laugh echoed through the sewers under Nerima, making rats and certain mutant turtles check their backs and scuttle away. Akari closed her mouth and scowled (cutely). "I've *got* to stop doing that," she murmured. "Report, Unsanmushou!" The ninja pig that survived the morning's attack reported to her in pig tongue (no relation to Latin) of how a band of Amazons jumped to the girl's rescue, overpowering his clan with sheer numbers and magical weapons. "I knew the harpie used magic!" Akari exclaimed. She paced the room, her cloak billowing around her. Akari's new look involved a frilly pink cloak that swept around her with every move. The cloak had a subtle pig motif woven into it, as did the pink bustier, the pink tap-pants, the pink garters and stockings, and even the pink stiletto- heel shoes, which had little pink pigs securing the ankle- straps. "She used evil spells to ensnare my Ryoga-sama! She used evil magic to enchant this helpless piggie!" She squeezed the bound-and-immobile piglet that hung from her neck to her bosom. "But we'll rescue my darling Ryoga-sama from that evil witch!" The piglet looked at the ninja. "Bwee??" [Help me! Don't leave me with her!] "Grunt," the ninja pig replied. [I got my own problems, Mac!] "Bwee-bwee-bwee!!" [You don't know how sick she is! She'll turn me human again and get mad at the Lost Idiot and beat me up!] "Grunt-snork." [What can I say? Things are tough all over.] "Squeal!" [I'm just a helpless piglet!] "Grunt-grunt." [Oh, cry me a river.] "Bwee?" [Oh, you know Soun, too?] "Poor widdle piggie-wiggie snookum-wookums!" Akari cooed, hugging the black piglet (which was rapidly turning green). [Oh gods! What did I do to deserve this?] P-Chan prayed. "We'll turn everything right again! I promise!" Akari said. "Now, Unsanmushou! I want you to keep an eye on her and Ryoga-sama and find out the best way to take him in the middle of the night. Perhaps kidnapping will be best." "Grunt." [As you wish, mistress.] Akari hugged P-chan closer and patted his head. He struggled against his bonds, squealing for help, to no avail. * * * * * * * * * * Shampoo arrived home to find a couple of early customers amusing themselves by trying to give Ryoga contradictory directions to their tables with their orders. Shampoo snorted, grabbed the tray, and tossed the orders to the partons without spilling anything. "Watch how you treat Shampoo's man!" she snarled. "Hello, Shampoo-chan," Ryoga said. "Nihao, Airen," she said, giving him a quick kiss. "Not bad," Tofu said. "Good toss." "Arigato, Tofu-sensei," Shampoo said. "Come by for breakfast?" He shook his head. "I came to ask you about Cologne." Shampoo turned to Ryoga. "Take red line to kitchen, Airen. This Amazon business." He nodded and went to the kitchen, carefully following the red line painted on the floor. "(I see you have a handle on that problem,)" he said approvingly in Mandarin. "(Working on it,)" she said. "(What do you want with Cologne?)" "(A spell was cast on the Saotome house last night. I believe it was directed at Ranma and Ranko - and that Cologne cast it.)" Shampoo was puzzled. "(What would her motive be?)" "(I don't know - but I intend to find out. And stop her. What route was she taking into China?)" "(North Shadow Port. Willow Tree Secret Route. She should be docking today.)" He nodded. "(Then I can meet her before she gets home.)" After exchanging pleasantries, Tofu left, heading for the airport. Shampoo hoped that her great-grandmother wasn't trying anything with the Saotomes. After all, they were becoming friends, and would soon be considered a sept of her clan by marriage. Going to the kitchen, she looked for Ryoga, but he wasn't there. She sighed. "(Where are you now??)" "Right here," he said, spooking Shampoo. "(Where the devils did you come from?)" she said. "I'm not sure," he said. "I was following the red line, then as I was walking along the edge of the gorge -" "(What gorge?)" "The one the red line runs alongside of." Shampoo looked at him blankly, then shook her head. "(There's no time for that.)" She went into detail about the attack she suffered at the hands of the ninja pigs. "Wow," he said. "Who would attack with ninja pigs?" She whapped him with a rolling pin. "(Akari, you dip!)" He looked puzzled. "Where would Akari get ninja pigs?" "(If she can teach pigs to be sumotori, she can teach them ninjitsu!)" He nodded slowly. "I guess ..." "(We have to improve our defenses. I won't have this silly girl trying anything!)" "Don't worry, Shampoo-chan. Akari's really a nice girl. She won't try anything really nasty." "(I hope you're right.)" * * * * * * * * * * In her hidden lair, Akari sneezed, then she sniffed and directed her minions in the assembly of the Doomsday Device. DISCLAIMER: Any naughtiness you may perceive is purely the product of your own perverted minds, you pack of degenerates. ---------------------- Ranma 1/2: "Our Wedding Day" pt. 12 by Lady Tesser and Jack Staik ---------------------- Rose Petal awoke, feeling the warm, fragrant body next to hers. She shook her head to clear the sleep and remembered last night. It was just too perfect a set up. The warm night, the evening filled with talk, then staying up half the night talking. Dozing off on his narrow bunk, their limbs around each other. Then the Need affecting both as she started kissing him and he touched her gently. It couldn't be resisted, and they enjoyed every minute of it. Rose Petal flicked the light on low, gazing at Mousse, sleeping soundly and snoring gently. He was sprawled across the bunk, his long dark hair spread over the pillow, his tightly muscled body moist and warm. "[Sleep, young love,]" she murmured as she slipped on his robe. The Amazon stepped out of the corridor and went down the hall to knock on the Matriarch's cabin door. "Enter," the old woman replied. Rose Petal entered and seated herself at the table Cologne sat on. "[Matriarch Koh Lon]," Rose Petal bowed her head. "[Warrior Rose Petal. What brings you here this morning?]" Rose Petal traced her finger over the tabletop. "[Did something out of the ordinary happen last night?]" <The child is gifted in sensing the Unseen Forces,> Cologne noted. "[There was something odd in the air, I admit. Why?]" "[Nothing I can identify. Just wondering if you sensed it, too.]" Cologne smiled, seeing a subject change. "[I noticed you were not in your bed last night.]" "[No, I was not. I spent the night with Duck-Boy.]" "[Strong tantric energy you both create,]" Cologne mused. Rose Petal pulled her steel-edged fan from the sleeve of Mousse's robe. "[What of it, Honored Elder?]" "[It disturbs my old bones. That's all.]" Cologne looked thoughtful. "[Such a force sould leave a strong residue.]" Rose Petal nodded. "[Yes - perhaps it could.]" Cologne smirked as she noted Rose Petal's nascent suspicions die unborn. It wouldn't do to have the child interfere out of some misguided loyalty to her blood. "[And it might be a good idea,]" Cologne mused, "[If you were to put on some of your own clothes before the ship's crew sees you. One wouldn't want them getting the wrong idea, would we?]" Rose Petal blushed and left for her cabin. * * * * * * * * * * "YEEEERRRAAAAAAGGGHHHHH!" Everyone looked up from assembling themselves for school to the ceiling where the scream came from. "NO-NO-NO-NO-NO-NOOOOOOOOOO!!" "Aw, hell," Ranma sighed, changing his schoolbag for a backpack. "What are you doing?" Akane asked, grabbing him by his pigtail. "Going on a training trip." He looked back up at the ceiling and added, "I'll be back in five days." "Why?" Nodoka asked, appearing from the kitchen. "Excuse me," Kasumi brushed past them as she went up the stairs. "Leave this to me." "Ko-chan is ... er, ah, on her Time," he stammered. Nodoka nodded and followed Kasumi upstairs. "Tell, tell," Nabiki chuckled. "How do you know?" "Well, it was always the cravings for chocolate and the mood swings ... then those weird dreams. I always tried to avoid getting wet because she was going to take over and I couldn't stop her." "Poor Ranma," Akane murmured. "You don't have to worry about it anymore." "Yes, I do," he corrected her. "Now she can hit me." "What kinda 'weird dreams'?" Nabiki asked. A puzzled expression crossed his face. "Donuts and pocky, bullet trains in tunnels - " "Gee, how Freudian," Nabiki stated. " - and water. Either streams or springs." Akane hugged him closer, small flames of jealousy springing up as she stomped them out. "Kasumi can take care of her," Akane said. "She always helped Nabiki and me with that." "Sure," Nabiki added. "Don't worry, Saotome. Let's go while the mob's questioning the guy we just released." "What'd you tell him, oneechan?" "Don't worry, sis." Akane and Ranma worried anyway. * * * * * * * * * * Kuno filled a sink with cold water and dunked his head down. His fierce, delicate warrior-lady Akane had possessed him, forcing him beyond human ability in the exercises of love. After she was done, the beautiful Ranko, dripping with sexuality, had taken him. Both taking turns with his magnificent manly body. Returning home from the pursuit of the lovely reporters, he delighted in the scent of sex left over his flesh by his loves. He relished the essence, absorbing it like the finest sake. A hand grabbed his hair and pulled him out. Kuno coughed and wiped his eyes. "Father??" he asked. "Dey got be changes 'round here, keikei," the Kuno Patriarch intimated. "You give de family bad name by dressin' like da fool!" The son snorted, staring at his father's floral print shirt- and-shorts combo and the palm tree on his head. "It suits my purpose, unlike your own attire." "Hey, mon, don't be actin' snooty on De Big Kahuna! I be hearin' stories of you stealin' wahini's naughties!" "Just their panties and bras," Tatewaki Kuno replied. "Off with thee, father, I have important matters to attend to." "What dey be dat you can't dress right? Mebbe get decent haircut?" Kuno turned to face with father, faintly outlined with battle aura. "I must plan to win my loves Akane Tendo and Ranko Saotome." He swept down the hall in regal fashion, the effect only slightly spoiled by the boxers. "You looka like fool!" his father shouted, hurling the trained attack lobster. Kuno whipped out his (ahem) bokken and caught the lobsters by their claws. With no wasted motion, he whipped the deadly crustaceans back at his demented father. The Principal countered with exploding coconuts, splattering lobster bits all over the room. "HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA- HA-HA-HA!! You gotta do better than dat to beat De Big Kahuna, keikei!" "I'm not trying to beat 'De Big Kahuna'," he sneered, going for his father's greatest vulnerability. "I'm trying to defeat a man named -" "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" the Principal screamed, looking around for an escape. "- named -" And he pronounced his father's given name. "AIIIIIIYYYYYIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!" Principal Kuno screamed, melting like the Wicked Witch of the West under a waterfall. * * * * * * * * * * Nodoka and Kasumi had aided Ranko with one of the more ... unsavory ... aspects of the Female Experience, and she sat down on her bed to recover. "Gods, that was so ... *disgusting*! I always looked forward to my first -" "Monthly visit," Kasumi interrupted. "Special delivery," Nodoka prompted. "Period, *ladies*!" she rolled her eyes. "Menses! Is there some huge crime in labeling the phenomenon properly?" Nodoka looked confused. "Your *first*? At your age?" Ranko looked uncomfortable. "I've had periods before, but that was the first time there was - y'know -" she blushed to match her hair. "- a *physical* effect!" Kasumi nodded. "That's understandable, Ko-Chan. All things considered." Nodoka looked confused. ['Things'?? Is there something wrong with Ranko? Is my daughter unhealthy?] Nodoka sat besides Ranko. "Dau - um, Ranko? Is there something wrong?" "Besides the disgusting mess? Besides the fact that I chased away the man I love?" Her voice rose an octave, choked with a forming sob. "Besides the fact that I want Ono and Ranma and Ono's not a man and Ranma's someone else's man? That I'm nothing but an image in a mirror with no right to *anything* of my own?!?" By now, Ranko was almost screaming. "No! Not at all! My life's JUST FRIGGING *PEACHY*!!" Kasumi had moved to the other side, and both women were hugging her. Nodoka filed away keywords to ask later. An image in a mirror was the most puzzling to her. "You have us, Ko-chan," Kasumi said. "You have your family." "HA!!" Ranko barked. "You're *Ranma's* family! I just inherited you!" "You have me," Nodoka said. "Sure," Ranko sneered. "A so-called 'woman' who'd rather terrorize her own child with death by disembowelment rather than love him!" Nodoka drew back sharply, hurt. Ranko realized what she said, and wished she could retract it. But part of her didn't want to retract it. Nodoka looked at the floor. "You - may be right." She took Ranko's hand. "That's why I need you." Ranko was confused. "You may be right," Nodoka said. "Perhaps I don't know how to be a proper woman. But you are, my dau - my dear Ranko, very much a proper woman, fiercely so. I - want you to help me." "What are you saying?" Ranko asked. Nodoka put a hand to her abdomen. "I don't want to make the same mistakes again. I want to be a good mother this time - the mother Ranma and you deserved. And never had." "Oh, no ..." Ranko breathed, pieces falling into place. The bouts of nausea, the odd behavior ... She extended her ki-senses ... "Oh crap." Nodoka, sensing her meaning, nodded. Kasumi looked bewildered. "What's happening?" Ranko half-sobbed, half-chuckled. "Hibiki Part Two - Ichiro Strikes Back." She 'looked' closer. "I'm no expert, but I think it's a boy." Kasumi's eyes went wide. "Oh, my." <Jiro's going to burst a blood vessel. Not one of his own, either.> * * * * * * * * * * Ranma, Akane, and Nabiki arrived to a strangely subdued school. Everyone seemed to be reading a newspaper. "What's with them?" Ranma asked. Akane shrugged. "New comic strip?" Nabiki glimpsed the headline of one newspaper and took it away fron it's owner. "Oh *CRAP*!!" "Hey! That's mine!" The boy said. Nabiki gave him the Hard Bitch Glare(TM), Level Two. The boy shrivelled up and blew away. "What is it, Nabiki?" Akane asked. She showed them the headline of the paper. "'BILLIONAIRE SAOTOMES IN ORGY OF DEPRAVED LUST'?!?" Akane read in fury. "'Perverted Parties of the Newly-Rich'??" Ranma read from another newspaper. Akane grabbed the paper away from Nabiki and read the highly- exaggerated-and-largely-untrue 'account' in the tabloid of the happenings in her own home just last night. Yuka and Sayuri came up. "Hey, Akane! I hope you know we don't believe a word of it!" Hiroshi and Daisuke, also coming up but having less sense, cried out, "Hey, Saotome! Why didn't you invite any of your friends to the orgy?" The newspaper in Akane's hands caught fire and burned to ash. Ranma bowed. "Good-bye, it's been fun, better luck in your next incarnation." He grabed Nabiki by the waist and dived. "DUCK AND COVER!!" * * * * * * * * * Hitori Dezaki of the 'Tokyo Intruder' was on the top of the world. After an exclusive interview with the Saotome's press agent (and relation-by-marriage - plus a real babe), he was now the *only* reporter in Tokyo with the inside scoop on the Saotomes. The tale of kidnapping and desertion by an evil sociopath of a husband, of twins seperated and reunited, of the evil plot by parents to steal their children's inheritance - pure gold! His editor was going to pay through the *nose* for this one! "Hey, Hitori-kun!" one of the freelancers said. "What about an interview?" "The 'Sun' will pay triple scale for the interview!" someone cried. "Back off - he's mine!" Hitori basked in the reflected glory. Then he noticed a pillar of fire illuminating the sky. * * * * * * * * * * Hinako-sensei brushed back her long dark brown hair, her once-cute outfit now a revealing mini-dress. Akane's abruptly ended ki-blast was absorbed in mid-attack by the disciplinarian, who took care of the offending students and various other personages within a hundred meter radius. While students were recovering, she stood perfectly calm in the destruction. Hinako's attention, however, was on Akane, who was glaring at her furiously. No one had ever remained standing after her 'discipline' before. "Mind explaining what that was about, teishi-chan?" she asked. "As a matter of fact," Akane growled. "I don't mind at all. What I want to know is why you allowed these boys off when they insulted Ranma and me." "Oh?" she asked. "*All* of them?" Akane nodded. "Including the facade?" Akane looked at the building where Hinako pointed, and noticed the heat-blistered carbon-scored concrete. "Oopsie," Akane said cutely. Nabiki tapped Hinako on the shoulder. "Perhaps I can explain." Ranma settled back to watch. He'd never admit it, but Nabiki's talent for off-the-cuff bullshit both impressed and entertained him enormously. * * * * * * * * * * Kasumi breathed a sigh of relief when the reporters ran off after the pillar of fire. Ranko headed off to school, properly equipped, leaving Kasumi and Nodoka alone in the house. Kasumi was shocked. For the first time since she was six, something had happened that genuinely surprised her. She had had no idea that Nodoka was pregnant. Now she could clearly see Nodoka giving birth some eight and a half months hence. Why hadn't she noticed before? She noticed the doorbell about to ring a minute from now, but not a member of the family giving birth? A minute later, the doorbell rang. Kasumi answered the door and found a drab-looking woman in a kimono. "Hello - um, lady," the girl said in a flat tone, as if she were reading a script (badly). "'I-am-here-to-pick-up-my- worthless-husband. I-am-the-real-wife-of-Randa-Somente -'" "'Ranma Saotome'!" hissed a voice from a nearby bush that hadn't been there before. "Shaddap!" she hissed back. "It's my fault you've got lousy handwriting?" "Stick to the script, you tart!" the voice from the bush insisted. "Watch the insults, Mac!" the girl said in a normal annoyed voice. "I'm an actress, y'know! I don't take this kind of abuse - not for a lousy six hundred yen I don't!" As she stomped off and the bush followed, pleading for her to come back, Kasumi closed the door and went to the medicine cabinet for some aspirin. "Who was that, dear?" Nodoka asked. "Your husband, my father, and one of the stupidest plans they ever cooked up." "Stupider than when I first met Genma and Soun and they had put their entire savings into that door-to-door yak-butter distributorship?" Kasumi had to ponder for a minute. "Alright - *one* of the stupidest." * * * * * * * * * * Doctor Tofu had already thrown his overnight bag into the overhead compartment and settled into his seat. He absently gazed out the window at the plane's wing, just feeling. He remembered vividly her scent. The feel of her soft body against his. The tones of her moans and grunts. The beautiful expression on her face when she climaxed under him the first time. How she felt as she lay in his arms afterward, listening to her heartbeat and gently caressing her in worship. He loved her with everything in his being. He put his soul into their loving, letting his body explain everything he couldn't say in words. Tenderness and passion and desire. All ruined by a lust spell. He slammed his head back against the headrest and sighed. "Hey, Ono-sweetie," a familiar voice murmured. "Traveling all alone?" The doctor looked up to see a tiny woman leering at him as she sat next to him. Through the short olive-brown hair and pale complexion that would have confused others, he knew this being. "Eryala, what are you doing?" "Keeping you company," the succubus answered. "You figured out it was the Old Bat?" "I thought you didn't know." "I didn't," she tapped his nose with a manicured nail. "But I listen." "I would appreciate it if you would leave me be on this." "I'm only offering back-up, darling. I care for you." "Uh-huh," he said, nodding slowly. "Like when you made it look like I was a complete pervert with that incident involving the Magistrate's daughter and her tea set?" "Tish-tosh," she stated as she waved her hand. "Old news. You'll need me - " "Like I need a hang nail. Dear, go home and play with someone else." "Can't. No one there's any fun." "Then why are you here? Just to yank my chain?" The young woman laced her leg around his. "You know what? You're blindly noble. That's why I always loved you." "Really?" he asked, a smirk at his lips. "I thought it was because I was a rudely horny twelve-year-old boy." "That, too," she giggled. "Anyway, if you really don't want me around, I'll leave. If you find yourself needing my help, I'll always be in shouting distance." "Is that the only reason?" The succubus grinned, exposing perfectly straight teeth and sharp eyeteeth. "I want to meet this old Amazon and shake her hand." * * * * * * * * * * China is a heavily regimented country, with an absolutist government that restricts internal travel. Travelling from point A to Point B requires internal passports, an itenerary filed with the appropriate ministries, and numerous paper checks by all the officials who don't recognize the traveler as a local. But China has been a civilized nation since the Stone Age, and has labored under regimes that make the Marxist-Leninists look like peace-and-love hippies. Over the centuries, secret trade routes have evolved, supported by generations of peoples - indeed, entire cultures - devoted to making sure that people and goods get through the Middle Kingdom without the notice of the temporal authorities. These routes are anchored on the coasts of the East China and Yellow Seas by the Shadow Ports, which are not mentioned in any sea captain's manifest, and in the eastern parts of Iraq, India, and Pakistan by the Valley Towns, which show up on no map or national register. In between, a fine tracery of travel routes runs through the Chinese landscape, able to deposit a person no more than a day's travel from any location he desires, and often closer. Not everyone can use these routes. In fact, most people don't even hear rumors of their existence, or of the Road- Keepers who maintain them. Lucky - or rare - is the person who can use these routes. Koh Lon, Matriarch of the Amazons, known affectionately to her people as the 'Sadistic Old Bitch', rode the pack mule that carried her away from the Northern Shadow Port toward the village of Joketsuzouko. Behind her rode the Amazons called Mousse and Rose Petal. "[I HATE this part of the trip,]" Mousse grumbled. "[You aren't the only one, sweetness,]" Rose Petal chimed in. "[My hips will never be the same.]" "[Shame, I rather liked them the way they were,]" he said softly. Rose Petal stuck her tongue out at him. "[Pathetic children,]" Cologne said, just loud enough for them to hear. "[Grumbling over a minor discomfort. In my youth, having a mule would have been considered luxury!]" "[Because they hadn't evolved yet!]" Mousse countered. "[You had to make due with dinosaurs!]" Cologne pulled a peanut out of her pocket and casually tossed it at Mousse's mule. The nut bounced off the animal's forehead, causing the beast to buck wildly. Mousse had to grab the creature with all four limbs to avoid being deposited on the ground. "[We will arrive in Amazon lands in a couple of days,]" Cologne said. "[Remember your manners before then, Duck-Boy.]" <Perhaps I have lost hold of Shampoo, but I shall have the child of the Saotomes yet.> * * * * * * * * * * Aga the Lady of Peace gazed into the sky outside the abandoned warehouse the Phoenix People had made into their base, watching the messenger glide to the ground. Hanging from his shoulders was a large jug. "My Lady," he said, kneeling, "I have returned - with the waters of the Shuanshontsuniichuan." "Are you certain?" she said. "The magics of Jusenkyo are duplicitous." "I believe so," he said. Liitak leaned close. "We should test it." Aga nodded. Soon, her followers had produced a large tub and emptied the waters into it. "What shall we test it on?" someone asked. One of the bird-people flapped up to the rafters, then fell gracefully down. In his hands was a pigeon. "Excellent," Liitak said, gesturing. The pigeon was tossed into the waters. Then with a small splash, two pigeons flew out and soon flew to the rafters, out of sight. "Perfect," Aga said. "With the waters of the Spring of the Drowned Twins, we can have the Godslayer *and* he can continue his life." She sighed. "And no one will be hurt." "But how do we persuade him to enter the tub?" Liitak asked. "We ask," Aga said. "Nicely." In the rafters, a pigeon preened, grooming its feathers. The pigeon next to it gazed at it's exact duplicate in a very un-pigeon-like fashion. Then the second pigeon leapt on the first and tore into it with beak and claw and unholy bloodlust. There was the faint sound of avian screaming, then silence. DISCLAIMER: Wonder what Ranma would do when he finds out his show is owned by a KITTY? -------------------- Ranma 1/2: "Our Wedding Day" pt. 13 by Lady Tesser and Jack Staik -------------------- The Estrogen Brigade (the ladies hated that nickname, but it seemed almost permanent) were beginning to sew up the second wedding gown - slowed down by the occasional argument by Shampoo that kevlar or chain mail should be added. The assorted males (Ranma, Ryoga, Jiro, and Sayuri's new boyfriend Hiroshi) were exiled from the den while the women worked, which suited them fine. Hiroshi complained about the lack of beer (which was due to the three martial artists), but otherwise seemed in fine spirits. The four men were engaged in that old pastime of men in relationships - complaining about women. "Sayuri doesn't seem to be satisfied with anything I do," Hiroshi was grousing. "'Don't be such a slob'; 'Can't we go out to a nice restaurant once in a while'; 'Other girls get roses' - Blah!" He gestured at Ranma. "You're lucky - you're married and don't have to go through dating anymore." "Yeah, but I get nagged, too," Ranma countered. "Either it's because I'm sloppy, or I said something stupid, or I forgot some trivial thing, or I finished first." "Oh gods," Jiro said, rolling his eyes to heaven. "Don't get me started about that. They get us excited, and wonder why we finish first?" "Yeah!" Ranma agreed. "Can't they realize we're *trying* to control it?" Hiroshi and Ryoga were blushing brightly enough to read by. Jiro chuckled. "Heh heh. Not much luck with the ladies, eh, boys?" "I - I asked Shampoo to wait until our wedding night," Ryoga stammered defensively. "I want my first time to be - special." Jiro belly-laughed. "The first time's *always* special, brother-mine." "HEY!" Ranma said. "*I* waited until my wedding night! There's nothing wrong with it!" Hiroshi looked amazed. "C'Mon! All those girls throwing themselves at you, and you didn't even *try*??" "Hell no! Too scared." Ranma smirked. "You and Sayuri having problems?" "No!" Hiroshi said defensively. "To her, I'm a love god!" "Don't worry about it," Jiro said. "To tell you the truth, I haven't gotten past a brief kiss with Kasumi yet." "Yeah, I wondered about that," Ranma said. "To hear Nabiki and Shampoo and Rose Petal tell it, you'd have normally tried something a long time before now." Jiro looked down at the floor - the mention of his half- sister still brought out feelings he wasn't ready to deal with - and might never be able to. "Well, Kasumi's ... different," he answered. "A lot different. She's nothing like the other girls I've ever been with. Hell, she even treated me nice when I had my old name." "We weren't nasty to you because of your name," Ranma clarified. "It was because you were a butthead." Ryoga nodded. "True. Prime ass," he said, his face serious. Hiroshi squirted soda pop out of his nose, unable to hold in his laughter. Jiro ignored him. "Well - Kasumi *means* something to me. She's no quick lay." "No," Ranma agreed. "She's special." He grinned. "She's really wild about you, y'know." Jiro's eyes lit up. "Really?" Ranma nodded. "You make her happy. I like that. Make her unhappy, and you'll have to die, of course." Ryoga nodded in agreement. "Oh, of course," Jiro said in understanding. "I'm kinda curious about something," Hiroshi said. "You guys are all brothers, but didn't know it until recently. How'd you all first meet?" "Ryoga and I met as kids," Ranma explained. "And Jiro here - he had another name then - was hunting Happosai on a quest to get his name changed." "How'd that go?" Eventually, the entire story of Pantyhose Taro's first arrival in Nerima (including the fights and Akane's kidnapping) was told. "Wow," Hiroshi said. "Makes me glad I never took up martial arts." All three seemed surprised by that. Martial arts are in the very blood of the Hibiki-Spawn; to not practice some aspect of martial art or incorporate martial art into their lives was as alien as breathing methane. "None?" Ryoga said, wonderingly. "Nope," Hiroshi confirmed. "I couldn't throw a ki-blast to save my life." Jiro snorted. "An over-rated trick." "Not really," Ranma said. "it can be a useful thing to do." "Oh yeah," Ryoga said. "I've been meaning to talk to you about that, Ranma." "About ki-blasts?" Ranma asked. Ryoga nodded. "Now that I'm on my medication, my emotions aren't extreme enough to allow me to throw a ki-blast any more." Jiro interrupted. "So you want Ranma to help you develop a replacement? Why bother? Can't you hide behind your girl when a fight gets nasty?" Ryoga's umbrella crashed down on Jiro's head, smashing him through the floor. "That hurt, y'know," he said from the hole. "Sure I'll help," Ranma answered, completely ignoring Jiro's being in a hole, and Hiroshi's bug-eyed stare at said hole. "Got any ideas?" * * * * * * * * * * Daisuke, plastered out of his skull, decided to pay a visit to his good friend Ranma. He and the other guys broke into his father's sake stash earlier that afternoon and played the Alphabet Game involving various girls' names from school. His turn, in the third round and bombed, caused him to pause too long and he took a swig from the bottle. "Ya know shumthin'," a classmate slurred. "I'd had shed Ranko Shaotomb - Shaotomo - Shaotimi - " "Shaotome," another guy offered, a pillow over his face. "Yeah, her. One hot lookin' babe." "I know," Daisuke agreed. "'Member when Ranma tried ta' keep her shecret?" "Yeah! Then curshin' himshelf, makin' ush think he wash her." Pillow Face giggled at their speech. Then a snore issued from under the pillow. "The gig ish up!" Daisuke stated, as he uneasily stood on his wobbly legs. "He got Akane, now give ush the redhead!" "Yeah!" the rest called. "You get her and bring 'er back here!" Daisuke picked up an umbrella from the stand and whipped it open. "What'sh dat fer?" one of the more sober ones asked. "In cashe she pullsh dat Hero - Hiro - Hiryu - da whirlywind thingie. Play like the Losht Boy and fly it out!" A chorus of drunken laughter met his proposal, and several minutes later, Daisuke stood outside of the Saotome Training Hall. Daisuke knocked, and was surprised to see a young woman answer the door immediately. "Hey, Mish - I mean - Miss Tendo. Is Ranma around?" Kasumi wrinkled her nose in disgust and replied properly. "He is out in the dojo with his brothers." "Thanksh - I mean - thanks." He rounded the back and located the dojo by running face- first into it. "Daisuke?" He turned and called out, "Hey, Hiroshi! Brought some good sake to toast Ranma's - Oh, hey, Ranma, ol' buddy." Ranma and Ryoga both stood in the doorway of the dojo, looking down at the drunk teenager. "Why are you here - and why are you pasted?" Ranma asked. Daisuke grinned idiotically and held up the umbrella. "I have come to claim the fair Ranko Shaotome for my own!" Jiro broke down in laughter, hitting the floor in hysterical guffaws. "So damn pathetic, I'm gonna pee my pants laughing at him!" "Clean up after you're done," Ranma told him. "Why did you decide this, Daisuke?" "Becauzhe - I mean - because you got Akane! You don't need to hog all the pretty girls to yourself!" "Baka," Ranma sighed. "Ryoga? Want a practice dummy for your new attack?" "Why not let Ko-chan have him?" the Lost Boy asked. "Yeah!" Daisuke blurted. "Her too!" "Because she'll kill him and Kasumi just waxed the floors. Kasumi doesn't like gore after she cleans the house." "Good point," Ryoga turned back to the drunk. "Hey, butthead, for insulting my sister, I'm going to try my new attack on you!" "Daisuke, you're a complete moron. Nice knowin' ya." Hiroshi ducked into the dojo and covered his head. * * * * * * * * * * An explosion sounded from the dojo, making several ladies look up in alarm. "What was that??" Kasumi smiled enigmatically and replied, "Nothing. Ranma's teaching Ryoga a new technique." <Thank goodness they kept it outside and left my floors clean.> The rest shrugged and went back to work, their silence punctuated by the whirring of the sewing machine and the snipping of fabric. "Shampoo think maybe steel shoulders." "Her shoulders are already big enough," Ranko said, giggling. "Right, otemba-chan?" "Damn, you still sound too much like Ranma," Nabiki chuckled. Akane stuck her tongue out at her sister-in-law. "I have a strong body; that's what Ranma said." Nodoka smiled gently. "You are going to make a lovely bride, Akane-chan, no matter what the uncouth think." "By the way, Auntie Nodoka," Nabiki mused. "Did you tell good old Ichiro about having a steam bun in the oven?" "Biki!" Ranko scolded her. Nodoka blushed and giggled. "Not yet. I'll tell him tonight. I'm actually feeling well enough to go back home." Yuka, Suyuri, Shampoo, Kikuko, and Akane stopped briefly at this news - first to make sure it was *good* news (or at least not horrid news), and next to congratulate the expectant mother. "Yay, more babies!" Shampoo cheered. <Conditioner will need a peer group, good martial artists - and Nodoka and Ichiro seem to make those.> "You need to move closer to us, Auntie," Kasumi said. "Especially since you now have your family again." "I was meaning to ask ... " Nodoka closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "Dau - um, Ranko-chan?" "Yes, Nodoka?" She paused and said, "I'm going to need your help ... especially so in the coming months ... We have a lot of ... talking to do ... And I was hoping you'd stay with me for a little while." Shampoo, Yuka, and Sayuri abruptly decided to change the baby together and they fled the room to the bath (Kikuko being dragged bodily). Kasumi simply kept her mouth shut as she worked on the fine finishing embordiery, and Akane stopped sewing to listen. The ones remaining looked at Nabiki. Nabiki rolled her eyes. "Oh please! Since *when* have I ever respected the privacy of others? Just ignore me." Ranko continued cutting the panels delicately as she hummed gently to herself. "Now, Nodoka, are you sure you want me to help you? Perhaps Kasumi would be better suited -" Nodoka shook her head. "I'm sorry for asking." Ranko looked up and placed her hand on her mother's own hands. "I don't know if it would benefit either of us. My life has been the Tendo home - now my brother's home - for the past year. Are we ready to stand each other twenty-four hours a day?" "I was virtually alone when I carried you and Ranma. I don't want that with this child. What am I to do?" "You can move in with us, Auntie Nodoka," Akane offered. Kasumi discreetly pulled her blouse sleeve up and said, "I think Auntie Nodoka needs some quiet." Shampoo and the others appeared in the door. "It's quiet around here!" Akane replied defensively. "Like hell," Nabiki remarked. "Bird people and mysterious spells and monsters. Not to mention you and Ranma going at it like rabbits morning, noon, and night." "Oh?" Ranko giggled. "And who had Stick Boy in their bed last night?" "Kuno??" Yuka clarified. "You sleep with Stick Boy???" Shampoo asked in shock. "You drunk?" "Blame whoever put that lust spell on us last night," Nabiki complained. "Doc Tofu found out about it, telling us as he pranced around naked." Shampoo paused. <Is that why Doctor Tofu asked me where the Old Lady was? Oh, Great Mother, what the hell did she do now?> "He wasn't 'prancing' - he was striding!" Ranko blushed. "Anyway, I told the idiot to put on some clothes!" Shampoo turned to the redhead. "You sleep with Tofu??" <Best not mention what happened when I was his receptionist, then.> "It was a regular love hotel, Shampoo-chan," Nabiki chuckled. "If I could bottle that spell, I woudn't have to go exploiting my wealthy relatives." "Eek!" Kikuko remarked, wishing she had thought of it first. "Eek!" Yuka added, wishing she never visited. "Maybe I should start charging you for using my house for your deviant activities," Akane chortled. Kasumi blushed deeply. "Please, can we change the subject?" "Oh, poor Kasumi-chan!" Nabiki murmured. "Has the pain-in-the- ass boyfriend of yours been trying anything fresh with you?" "Oh, my, no!" Kasumi blushed even deeper. "He's more of a gentleman!" Shampoo, Ranko, Nabiki, and Akane all coughed into their hands; even though the general noise resulted in a chorus of "Bullshit-bullshit-bullshit." Sayuri, silent through the whole conversation, finally spoke up in a tiny voice: "The tabloids were *true*??" "No they were *NOT*!!" Akane snapped. "There was *no* orgy! There were no handcuffs, no cucumbers, no donkeys, and no triple-jointed Nigerian hermaphrodite gymnasts! Got that?!?" "What about the vats of marijuana-flavored Jello?" Sayuri asked. "Pure, unadulterated crap," Nabiki confirmed. "Except the light fixture bit," Ranko added. Everyone stared at her. "Shampoo take notes," the Amazon decided. Kikuko giggled and rubbed her hands together, cackling, "A big wad of yen for *this* story! Woo-hoo! 'Nabiki boinks Kuno!' I'm going to college on this - URK!" She found a hand around her throat and Nabiki attached to it. "I got bigger blackmail on you, honey, so keep your foul mouth shut." "Like *what*?" Kikuko insisted. "My record is a pure as the driven snow." "Driven *in* snow," Akane commented in the background. "Four words. Last summer. Gendo. Videotape." "Nabiki no ama!" Nabiki smiled. "Sweet talker." Shampoo shook her head. "Back to gown. Wedding in week and half. Where we put sleeve for concealed dagger?" * * * * * * * * * * (Later that evening ...) Ranko escorted Shampoo and Ryoga to the front door as the other guests had already left. "Oh, by way!" Shampoo smiled. "We need sitter for baby next night." She hugged Ryoga and he added, "We're going out to a movie and spend some time alone together. I hope you don't mind ... " "Oh, no problem," Ranko replied, caressing the infant's tiny hand. "I love looking after him." "Great!" Shampoo cried. "We drop baby off seven o'clock. You work for doctor?" "No. Ono left a message saying he'll be in China for a few days." Shampoo nodded and touched her future sister-in-law's cheek. "He good man, Ko-chan. He love you deeply and will battle monster for you." Ranko shrugged. "I hope you're right, Shampoo-chan." "Shampoo right. Time go home, Airen." They exchanged good-byes and left. Ranko changed into a gi and wandered around the house to the dojo, where she found Ranma doing katas. "Mind if I join you, niichan?" she asked. "Not at all," he replied. "Stay in sync with me." "Like always." She settled beside him and fell into the movements without missing a beat. Both flowed through the forms, perfect duplicates in time and motion. He suddenly turned to her and sent his fist at her stomach. She leaned back and responded with a sweep-kick. Ranma lept over her speeding leg and hurled his fist to her head. Ranko blocked and dropped to her knees, locking her arms around his knees to pick him up. He bent over her head and tickled her ribs. "Eeyaaaaa!" she cried, more from surprise than ticklishness. She released him and yelled, "Dirty trick!" He chuckled. "You're cute when you squeal, imouto-chan." Ranko plowed her fist into his hip with all her strength. "Ow," he commented. "Did I say something wrong?" She stood and started a vicious attack of limbs against him. "Ono - said - I - was - cute - when - I - squealed!!" "Hey, hey!" Ranma cried, blocking her blows. "Don't take it out on me! I'm sorry I said it!" Her foot contacted with his face and he grabbed her ankle, sending her sprawling on the floor. She moved to jump back up, but found he had pinned her down with his own body. "Now, listen to me, Ko-chan," Ranma stated firmly. "You've got to stop this crap about the Doc. Either get rid of him or admit you love him. You're hurting yourself (and me) by doing this." Ranko looked up at him, his face filled with concern and hurt. "I'm - I'm sorry, niichan. I guess this is affecting me more than I thought." "Damn right," he agreed. "Can I let you up now?" "No!" she cried, clutching him tighter. "Please ... just hold me ... Make the monsters go away, Ranma ... " Ranma held his sister tightly, trying to squeeze the pain out of her. He buried his face in her red hair and inhaled her scent of wiff female. "My Ko-chan ... so vunerable ... " She stretched her body under him and found hardness brushing her thigh. Her eyes widened and she gasped, finding herself tense at the feeling of his bulge. Their eyes met in alarm, both seeing the other's reaction. Feeling his limbs around her, his body pinning hers, Ranko involuntarily moaned. She moved without thought, her eyes slit as her arms rounded his back. Ranma inhaled sharply and pressed his pelvis down into hers, feeling it was so right. He felt her inner thighs against his hips, her breasts against his chest. Their bodies moved against the other's, rubbing and caressing through clothing. He recalled the mirror copy, when she didn't change when he went into the tub and changed back to his male form. She stayed the same, and he was able to look at his female half in the flesh for the first time. It felt odd; perhaps knowing that it wasn't Ko-chan made him feel uncomfortable. This, he felt comfortable with. Feeling her writhing, bucking her sweet body under his as he manipulated against her. Ranko raised her legs along his sides and wrapped them around his waist, pulling him closer to her. "Oh, Gods, yes!" Ranma whispered, kissing her face. "Oh, Ranma-sama ... ichunnohito ... " she breathed, kissing his face in response. Silence ensued, as it was only broken by faint moans and their heavy breathing. "Take me, niichan," she murmured against his lips. "I love you so much." His hand caressed down her breast and stomach, snaking down to her womanhood ... "Damn," he muttered, pulling his hand back. "Oh, kuso!" she moaned, remembering that, due to the action of the moon, she was currently closed to the public. Realization hit them and they sat up, dashing out of the dojo in different directions. What they didn't know was that Akane had been watching Ranma from the den window long before Ranko showed up. She witnessed what occurred to her husband and sister-in-law, watching without a sound. She replayed it over and over, analyzing it from all directions, and checked her breasts to make sure. Yep. She was aroused by what just happened. <Well, think about it,> her own voice of logic stated. <Seeing your husband being enjoyed by another woman turns you on fierce, doesn't it?> <I'm not a voyuer.> <That's why you asked Ranma for a threesome sometime, hm?> <Wait! So what about it? Why her? They were - are - in love.> <He married you, not her. Besides, you enjoyed it, he enjoyed it, and she enjoyed it.> <Well, yeah ... > <And you have to admit that when she burst in on you two, you were excited even then. Someone watching you enjoy the man you love.> <All right, YES! Yes! I admit it! I *like* being watched!> Akane spun around and headed toward the bathroom. She knocked once and entered, stripping off and jumping her husband while he was still in his female form, both falling into the warm furo. Retreating into the night, Eryala the Succubus was giggling like a moron. * * * * * * * * * * Downstairs, Nabiki prepared a large glass of water, giggling to herself. Ranko had come in from the dojo looking rather down. In fact, Nabiki noticed that she'd been gloomy since the Doc left. So she decided that she was going to cheer Ranko up by a base and low-brow practical joke. She made a stop in her room to change into a little nightie - a sheer lavender confection that left little to the imagination (kept for those rare special occasions). Then she entered the dark hall and felt for the doorknob on her right. She could see it all now ... [NABIKI swings the door open and flings a glass of water in, leaping after it and into the bed, changing RANKO to her male form.] [NABIKI: Come on, Ko-Chan, let's have some fun!] [RANKO, now male, hair standing on end: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!] [NABIKI: Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!] Nabiki swung the door open and flung the glass of water in, leaping after it and into the bed. "Come on, Ko-chan, let's have some fun!" A light was flicked on and Nabiki found herself staring face to face with a rather damp Kasumi. "Oh, crap," Nabiki remarked. "This isn't what it looks like." Kasumi continued to stare. "It was just a joke - you know, cheer her up - NOT LIKE THAT! - I mean, I wasn't going to ... " Kasumi shook her head. "Good night, imouto-chan." "Um, night." Nabiki leaned over and made motions of committing seppuku as she bowed her way out of her sister's room. She closed the door and looked around the hall. She suddenly realized that Ranko had moved into Akane's old room and Kasumi was in Ranma and Genma's old room (because she wanted the extra space). Playing musical rooms was not good - played havoc with a lifetime's reflexes. Nabiki sighed. "I need to calm down. Perhaps a hot bath ..." She went into the bathroom, humiliated, and took off the naughty nightie. She picked up a wash cloth and opened the door to the bath. Akane and Ranma were in the furo, laughing and spanking each other ... Nabiki closed the door and dressed again, throwing on a robe over the nightie. She continued out to the hall and made her way to the kitchen. The only thing she could think of was that maybe someone had cast another spell on the house. An 'Embarrass the Hell Out of Nabiki' spell. "Hey, Biki," Ranko called from the dining room. "What's with you?" Nabiki sighed as she went to the dining room with a cup of tea and a bowl of rocky-road. "Remember back when everything made sense?" Ranko looked puzzled. "I don't think even Cologne's *that* old." "When I knew what was going on," Nabiki clarified. "When only Ranma got in embarassing sexually-provocative situations. When he and Akane weren't spanking each other in the furo." Ranko raised an eyebrow. "You walked in on that, too, eh? Who'da thunk Akane liked that sort of thing, anyway?" "You mean Ranma was into *that*??" "Eventually. But it was Akane's idea in the first place." Nabiki shook her head. "What ever happened to little Akane 'Death-To-All-Perverts' Tendo?" Ranko chuckled. "She's been kidnapped by aliens and replaced by Akane 'Let's-Try-*This*-With-Chocolate-Sauce' Saotome." Nabiki banged her head into the table. "Contrary to popular belief, there are some things I do *not* want to know about. This is among them." Ranko got an evil leer on her face. "So I shouldn't tell you about the Wet Celery and Leather Flying Helmet Incident?" "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!" Nabiki cried, running from the room with her fingers in her ears. Ranko stirred her tea, humming a cheerful tune. "Heck, no wonder Biki kept yanking Ranma's chain like that all of the time. That was fun." * * * * * * * * * * Sasuke brushed off his hands and stood back to admire his handiwork. Two would-be 'reporters' were hanging upside-down from the roof of the dojo by a thin rope. They were wrapped up in duct-tape cocoons and had placards reading 'Stupid Clumsy Peeping-Toms' attached. "Comfortable, gentlemen?" he asked. "C-c-c-c-c-cold," one of them stammered. "You are? Good." He turned and went in. "Good night." "I can't feel my torso!" "Gee," quoth Sasuke, "It's a pity I don't have my hearing aid." DISCLAIMER: I deny the existence of any naughty or suggestive parts in this chapter. This time I mean it. Honest. (Ignore those crossed fingers behind my back.) -------------------- Ranma 1/2: "Our Wedding Day" pt. 14 by Lady Tesser and Jack Staik -------------------- Ukyo stared out into the night. She often did that in the past, thinking of her Ranchan and the life they would have together. All her fantasies were rather domestic; nothing else ever entered her mind. Just her and Ranma and the cute babies they would have. Never being alone ever again. But now, she couldn't really do that anymore. But she still tried. All that kept popping up in her mind's eye was Ranma with an arm around Akane. She sighed. Somewhere inside herself, she'd accepted that Ranma was with Akane. Now she was alone. One of the things she faced in her counseling sessions was her fear of abandonment; Genma dumping her by the road, her mother dying, her father making her grow up male under threat of leaving her in an orphanage ... all these things were about being abandoned. She'd just clung to the idea of marrying Ranma because she wanted someone who would never abandon her. Konatsu would never abandon her. All through her bad spell, Konatsu had been by her side. Ranma never even came to visit. Probably too busy boinking his precious fiancée. Oddly, she didn't even get angry at Ranma for that thought. All she felt was disappointment. Konatsu would never abandon her... She strode to Konatsu's room, where the male kunoichi was getting ready for bed. Konatsu turned at the sound of the door opening. Ukyo stared at him oddly, her feminine curves accented by the t- shirt and shorts she wore. Ukyo gazed at Konatsu, who looked adorable in his pink nightdress. "Yes, Ukyo-sama?" he asked. She came over to him and grabbed his shoulders. "You'd never leave me, would you, Natsu-chan?" Konatsu found breathing more difficult for some reason. "No. I'd never leave you, Ukyo-sama." She stepped back and pulled off her shorts. "U-ukyo-sa-sama?" Konatsu stammered. Ukyo shoved him back on the bed. Konatsu looked up helplessly as Ukyo pressed down on him. "I-I-I-" he stuttered. Ukyo silenced him with a kiss. "You're mine now, sugar." Konatsu was paralyzed with emotion. Ukyo ground her pelvis into the smaller man while her teeth nipped at his earlobes and neck and her hands explored his torso. All he could do was moan in fear and ... something else. Soon, she felt his response. "Mmmmm .... good little kunoichi." She reached down and positioned him. "Now, just relax. This may hurt a bit at first, but soon it'll feel good." Konatsu just whimpered. Afterwards, with Ukyo gently snoring atop him, Konatsu finally relaxed. What had just happened was the scariest ... and most wonderful ... thing in his entire life. "Mmmmm ..." Ukyo muttered. "Natsu-sama will stay with me f'rev'r," she mumbled, squeezing him tight. "Nev'r run off. Stay 'round an' make babies." Konatsu hugged Ukyo gently. "As you wish, Ukyo-sama." Ukyo, meanwhile, dreamt of little spatula-wielding androgynous ninja children calling her 'Mommy'. * * * * * * * * * * Shampoo beamed at her future husband as he came in from his bath. She thought it was cute the way he avoided looking directly at her nearly-nude body while at the same time trying to 'check her out' from the corners of his eyes. "[Ryoga,]" she asked sweetly. "[Have you thought of having children one day?]" He looked thoughtful for a moment. "Well ... yeah. One day. But we'll have Conditioner to bring up first." She nodded in agreement. "[But one day, some of our own.]" "Oh, yeah. Just not as many as my pop had." "[Big families are a blessing of the Goddess, Airen.]" "Not that big." He sat on the edge of Shampoo's bed. "What brought that thought up?" "[Talking with Nodoka.]" Ryoga chuckled. "She wants to become ... whatever your father's mistress is in relation to your children. Aunt? Grandmother?" "[Perhaps. But she's more anxious about having her own again.]" Ryoga looked shocked. "She wants to have another kid? At her age?" "[No,]" Shampoo clarified. "[She's pregnant right now.]" She swatted him with a pillow. "[And she's only thirty-eight!]" Ryoga just sat quietly, then covered his face with his hands. "Oh, Pop! How could you do this to Mom?!?" "[What makes you think it's your father's, Ryoga?]" Ryoga laughed a sad laugh. "A child is conceived within ten kilometers of Ichiro Hibiki, and you have the nerve to ask me that?" Shampoo nodded. "[Well, she *did* say it was Ichiro's. But the child will be *your* sibling, too.]" Ryoga slumped. "Oh great. Another child to grow up without a father." Shampoo scooted over the bed and rubbed Ryoga's shoulders. "[But the child will have three older brothers and two older sisters. As well as the Nerima Amazons and Ranma's family. Whatever else, this Hibiki will not grow up unloved or alone.]" "Yeah," Ryoga agreed. "This one will do better." They snuggled each other gently, thinking odd thoughts about their relationship, their future family, and the oddity of them talking in two different languages when they conversed. A crash came from downstairs. "Intruders!" he hissed, grabbing his umbrella. "[I didn't think any housebreakers in Tokyo were stupid enough to come around the Nekohanten again,]" Shampoo said wonderingly. "[We'll have to re-educate them.]" As they went down to the dining area, Ryoga was too focused to notice that Shampoo was clad only in panties. She smiled to herself as she imagined his eventual reaction. They stopped right on the last step and saw about a dozen intruders. All clad in 'traditional' black ninja outfits. All rather portly. "[Ninja pigs,]" Shampoo whispered. "What are they doing?" Ryoga whispered back. One ninja pig tripped over a chair, and another tripped over him. This startled the two nearest pigs, who turned and ran into each other. "[Being incompetent,]" Shampoo answered. "[It seems that Pig- Girl trains excellent sumotori, but only mediocre ninjas.]" "Don't forget - pigs have lousy eyesight." "[Oh, really?]" Shampoo said, a nasty grin on her cute face. "[Thanks for that bit of information, Airen.]" Shampoo reached for the light controls - not the normal light switch, but the flashing disco lights the Nekohanten used for their Saturday karaoke night and the occasional private party - and turned them up to maximum. "[Cover your eyes, dear.]" [FLASH!!][FLASH!!][FLASH!!][FLASH!!][FLASH!!][FLASH!!][FLAS H!!][FLASH!!] "BWEEEEEEEEE!!! SQUEEEEEE!!!" Dazed and blinded ninja pigs ran randomly around in panic, running into each other, the walls, the flimsy furniture ... "They're wrecking the place, Shampoo-chan." "[KILL!!!]" Ryoga and Shampoo leapt to the attack. It was swift. It was brutal. It was no contest. In less than a minute, the pigs were all on the floor, some alive, some not. Shampoo brushed off her hands. "[Looks like we'll be having pork specials for the next couple of months.]" Ryoga, being blinded and disoriented, unable to determine direction normally, found the light switch immediately and turned on the normal lighting. "That was fun, Shampoo-chan, but what are we going to do with all these ... pigs ..." He stared bug-eyed at his fiancée's body, clad only in a sheer pink panty with the surface area of a butterfly's wing. "[Problem, Airen?]" she asked, grinning. [THUD!!] She shook her head at her unconscious love. "[My poor shy darling. And how am I supposed to get that bloodstain out of the carpet?]" * * * * * * * * * * Kasumi lay awake in bed, listening to the sounds of the house. She heard the various clocks through the house, the personal fans used by members of the family to sleep during hot nights, Nabiki snoring and mumbling something about lack of payment will result in exposure... Then there was Ranma and Akane with their disgraceful din, the faint squeak of the bed and other noises. She listened closer and heard Ranko up in her room, writing and crying gently. Kasumi settled further into her pillow and sighed deeply. It seemed overnight her own home had turned into an alien place. She knew it would have happened eventually, even saw the day that Ranma and Akane would spend their first night together just talking until dawn. Akane has accused her of throwing her to the dogs when Ranma first showed up to be presented as a fiancé. The eldest Tendo girl just *knew* that both would love each other. Trying to control Nabiki from interfering was the hardest part. Yet, even Kasumi admitted Nabiki was ensuring the two would only love each other; Nabiki was just protecting their little sister from a potential heartbreaker. She turned over and stared at the wall. She remembered about a week after the Saotomes showed up and she felt the need to go down to the dining room in the middle of the night. There she found Ranma-onna, sitting on the porch and staring at the hazy sky. Yet, it wasn't Ranma, it was Ko-chan. How everything changed and made sense! It was nice having a friend to talk to in the past year. Everyone else had been just acquaintances, really. But with Ranko, she could let her mask slip off. Now, everything she had felt and suspected was coming to fruition. Akane was maturing, and she and Ranma were wed and happy. Even her dear Ko-Chan was close to happiness. And she'd found dear Jiro, who was slowly letting the shy boy peek out from behind his macho ass**** facade. Soon, this long, hard beginning would be over, and their lives would truly begin. Sighing, she allowed her consciousness to unwind from the present moment, searching for tomorrow in the place between dreams and wakefulness. She saw Ryoga some years later, crying into his sake because Shampoo was pregnant with yet another child <Well, I knew that was bound to happen> ... Ranma and Akane breaking up a dispute over a new manga between their twins and their cousin Jiro <My son! My, what a strong lad!> that destroyed part of a Self-Defense Force military base ... Tofu and Ranko working at a clinic specializing in pediatric medicine <Oh that's nice> ... Nabiki managing a brothel in someplace called 'Nevada' <I should have seen that one coming> ... Ukyo and Konatsu and their children <What gender were they???>... She pushed the tide closer to the present and rummaged through the odd visions of sewers and Chinese landscapes and fixed upon what she took to be the near future. She felt everyone's aura linked to this ... but the vision was confused with the static of pigs, monsters, water, and girls with magical abilities, as well as apocalyptic levels of violence. If this was the wedding of Ranma and Akane, then it wouldn't be that unusual. Or even unexpected. * * * * * * * * * * The next morning found Akane out in the dojo, practicing her newer, more exotic moves. Nabiki was in the bath, brushing her teeth. Kasumi had gone out early, and Ranma decided to fix breakfast - much to his insistence that Akane mustn't ruin her lovely hands with menial tasks ("That's the biggest load of crap you've told me yet!" she had pointed out, but let him cook anyway). Ranko was setting the table when Ranma had tossed out the serving dishes, causing all to land on the table without any food spilt. "Everyone, breakfast!" he called out. Akane poked her head in and asked, "Where's oneechan?" "She left early this morning," Ranko replied. "She left a note saying she was apartment hunting." "Huh?" Akane big-sweated. "Oneechan's moving out?" "Yeah," Ranko said. "And good for her. She needs a life away from this nuthouse." "Why?" Akane asked. "Probably the noise level, sweetness," Ranma suggested. "How many times did you knock on the wall for us to shut up, Ko- Chan?" Ranko added in her head and blurted, "Fourteen." "I didn't hear it," Akane stated. The Saotome twins giggled. "You were distracted, Akane-chan," Ranko teased. "Thanks for the compliment, honey," Ranma said, grinning in masculine-ass pride. Akane swatted him with a rolled-up magazine. "Egomaniac!" "Horndog," he replied. "Tomboy!" she snapped back. "Pervert!" he answered. "Take me," she breathed, gripping him and wrapping her leg around his waist. "Not before breakfast!" Ranko pleaded. "You'll ruin the food!" The doorbell decided to ring at that moment and Akane gave Ranma a quick peck before she ran off to answer the door. Ranma settled down at the table and had just offered his sister some tea when a scream came from the front hall. Both Saotome's dropped their cups and stood up, battle ready. "Not at this hour," Ranko complained. "Figures," Ranma sighed. "It looked like such a nice day, too." They heard Akane thunder upstairs, followed by the organic sounds of blobby movement. "What the hells?" Ranma mumbled. Ranko dropped her battle stance as a greenish-black tentacle waved from the doorway. Ranma's eyes grew into saucers as he realized what the tentacle was shaped like. "OH MY GOD!" he shrieked, his hands raised in preparation. "Forget it, Niichan," Ranko slammed her wrist down on his hands. "I know this monster." The tentacle was followed by several more attached to a gelatinous blob of the same hue, squishing and splorting its way into the dining room. "Well," Ranma stated. "I lost my appetite." "That's a first," Ranko smirked. "Hi, Bob." "Squirnk, sploot, urrrgh," the tentacle monster replied, waving its obscene members in greeting. Akane's footsteps came bounding back down the stairs, and she rushed into the dining room, holding aloof a manga and marker. "Can I have your autograph?" she asked excitedly. "I'm a really big fan of yours! I've got all your mangas!" "What's this doing in my house???" Ranma asked in disbelief. "Oh, sorry," Ranko said. "Ranma, this is Bob - actually, his name has about three hundred syllables, so he's just 'Bob'. He's a patient of Tofu-sensei." She turned to the unearthly horror, who was signing a manga for Akane. "Bob, this is my brother, Ranma, and his wife, Akane." "Glorple," Bob said, waving a tendril at him. "Could he please not do that?" Ranma inquired politely. "Seeing those things wave about makes me queasy." "Suck it up, Niichan," Ranko teased. "Poor choice of words, imouto-chan," Ranma replied. "Oops. Sorry." "Ooooh!" Akane said. "Look, Ranma! I got his autograph! See?" Ranma looked at the manga - 'Attack of the Perverse Nightmare' #19 - and saw the page where Akane had it sign in unhuman arcane runes; a full-page picture dominated by the same creature that was in his dining room, along with three girls - "EWWWWW!!!" he said. Then he noticed something. "So *that's* where you got the idea for doing that!" Ranko chuckled. "Who'd have thought of Akane as a drooling otaku? What brings you by, Bob-san?" "Blortch, blaaagh, glaaaagh." Ranko shook her head. "Tofu-sensei is in China for the week. Is it an emergency?" "Glurk." "Well then, don't worry about it and apply the ointment to the rash regularly. And for heaven's sake stay away from the working girls!" "Glob." Nabiki came in, still in her yen pajamas and brushing her teeth. She glanced at the bizarre manifestation, mumbled a "H'lo, Bob," and sat down. Ranko did a double take and asked, "Where do you know him?" Nabiki yawned and scratched the back of her head. "I'm his agent." "Figures," Ranma sighed. "Stop dripping on the table, please?" "Blert," Bob apologized. "Glab glork blaaaagh?" he asked. "I live here," Nabiki said. "The girl with the manga's my sister. How about you, Ko-Chan?" "Patient at the clinic." "Oh. Have you guys cleared up that rash on him yet?" "Almost." "Okay, Bobby-baby," Nabiki turned to the tentacled creature. "Mori needs you all ready for the next session. Will you be able to make it?" Bob appeared to be nodding. Ranma briefly wondered how a creature without anything resembling a humanoid body could nod. "Good. See you next Saturday at the studio." As Bob left, making wet sucking sounds all the while, Ranma got a puzzled look on his face. "You mean the monsters pose for these manga?" "The better ones," Nabiki replied. "Does that mean the girls - uh..." He blushed. Nabiki grinned. "Some are professional models. And some high school girls get kind of bored, y'know. And after hanging around teenage boys, many girls find tentacle monsters a lot more civilized." Akane nodded in agreement, sipping her tea. "I can understand that." "Besides," Nabiki continued, "It pays pretty good. Where did you think Yuka got the money for that new diamond necklace she wore at the Spring Luau?" Akane spit her tea across the table. "You're kidding!" Nabiki took the manga, flipped a few pages, and pointed. "Damn," Ranma said. "That's Yuka?" "It really is the quiet ones," Akane said in disbelief. "Never thought she had it in her," Ranko added. "Sure she does," Ranma said. "See? There it is. Several of them, in fact." The assorted females looked at him as if he were a prize idiot. "What?" he asked. "Nothing, darling," Akane told him. "My innocent pervert," she said quietly, smiling and giving him a peck on the cheek. "What's that supposed to mean?" The women did not answer him as they sat down to breakfast. "Well?" Sasuke poked his head out from under the table. "Is it gone?" he asked fearfully. "Yes," Nabiki said. "And for extreme cowardice in the face of apparent danger, expect your pay to be docked." Sasuke groaned and went back under the table. * * * * * * * * * * The mighty Tatewaki Kuno, the Blue Thunder of Nerima (because they wouldn't let him in Furinkan High with that Bokken - or without pants) stalked toward what he still thought of as the Tendo Dojo, eager to sample the treasures of his loves again. Oddly enough, there seemed to be a mob of reporters running *away* from the dojo. But Kuno ignored these, intent on his goal. As he leapt toward the front gate, a huge shape blocked the way. Unable to get out of the way in time, he bounced off and into the street. "So, miscreant! You seek to block the mighty Blue Thunder in his pursuit of - EEEP!" Kuno gazed at the vile, fluid-oozing, tentacle-waving apparition before him. He raised his weapon and - - fell to his knees, crying "MASTER! MASTER!" Bob stared at the idiot in the Scooby Doo boxers and the t- shirt saying 'Amateur Gynecologist', and became very embarrassed. He tried to nonchalantly shamble away, but Kuno followed. Soon, Bob was running down the street, Kuno in pursuit. "PLEASE MASTER!" Kuno cried. "TEACH ME YOUR WAYS!" "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!" Bob exclaimed, trying to escape. Hiroshi and Daisuke were walking to school when a hideous monster ran down the street past them. Hot on its heels was Kuno the Arch-Pervert, waving a disgusting pornographic object and yelling something incoherent about teaching true manliness. "Hiroshi?" "Yeah, Daisuke?" "Did I just see what I thought I saw?" "Kuno chasing a tentacle monster with his Bokken of Perversion?" "Yep." "Afraid so." Both boys were silent a moment. "Y'know something, Hiroshi?" "What, Daisuke?" "Kuno's just hit a new high in lows." Hiroshi nodded. "Yeah. Molesting a tentacle monster." He shook his head. "Compared to him, *we're* gentlemen! And you *know* what a sicko I am!" Daisuke nodded in agreement. "True. And I'm not much better." He rubbed the bruises he got during his drunken visit to the Saotomes. "Wish I could at least remember what I did to get them," he muttered to himself. "Musta been good." Hiroshi pretended to read his literature book. * * * * * * * * * * "Dammit, Saotome, I feel like an idiot!" "Suck it up, Tendo." "Can't we just alter one of the pictures of Ranma and a girl that we have?" Soun asked, adjusting his purple wig. "Why do we have to make a new one?" "Too risky!" Genma replied, straightening his own pony-tailed hairpiece. "We need a perfect picture that will unmistakably be Ranma cheating on Akane. Besides, in these costumes, we look like the real thing." "But why do I have to wear the Shampoo suit?" "Your figure is more girlish than mine." "But your breasts are almost as large as hers!" The two men proceeded to viciously pummel each other, oblivious to the approaching menace. The aforementioned menace also failed to notice them. "BLAAARGH!!" [TRAMPLE!] [TRAMPLE!] [TRAMPLE!] [TRAMPLE!] "MASTER! WAIT! TEACH ME TO BE MORE MANLY!!" [TRAMPLE!] [TRAMPLE!] [TRAMPLE!] [TRAMPLE!] The twisted remnants of Soun in a torn Shampoo costume and Genma in a Ranma suit pulled themselves up and looked at the fragments of their camera. "'We don't need to alter an old picture,'" Soun mocked. "'It's better if we make a new one.' BAKA!" He walloped his partner. "Now we can't even pawn the camera!" [I'm just a panda!] read the sign. Soun walloped him again. "YOU'RE STILL HUMAN, YOU DIP!!" "A mere technicality!" DISCLAIMER: We did not invent the fictional nation of Lower Slobbovia! Al Capp did! (And for those of you who don't know who Al Capp is, shame on you!) ------------------- Ranma 1/2: "Our Wedding Day" pt. 15 by Lady Tesser and Jack Staik -------------------- "What does the weirdo want?" Ranma sighed, poking around his bento box of lunch. "Who knows, Saotome," Hiroshi shrugged in reply. "But the principal wants to make a school announcement after last period." Akane squeezed Ranma's hand across the table and added, "I hope it doesn't have to do with the graduating class finals. Nabiki was looking forward to getting out of here." Daisuke remarked, "I hear he's gonna make us all take our finals while bungee-jumping." Ranko whipped a fishcake from her lunch across the aisle at the teenager. "I just hope the macadamia nut doesn't extend the year and interfere with family plans." "I hope not, too!" Akane agreed. "I have the photographer, florist, and musicians already picked out and we're almost done with my kimono, and then there's the handing out of invitations, and - Ranma! Are you listening to me?" "Yes, dear," the martial artist replied absently, stuffing his face with rice. Ranko giggled and decided to yank his chain. "Akane already registered for your bed linens; chicken fat yellow sheets and avocado green pillowcases, I believe." Akane chuckled. "With a poppy floral design comforter." "Yes, dear," he said absently. "Whatever you say, dear." Ranko grinned. "And your sexy transparent pajamas embroidered with the words 'Ranma Is A Crossdresser'." Ranma just nodded absently. Akane looked thoughtful. Then a light bulb went off over her head. "Oh yes, and don't forget we're redoing the dojo in a Hello-Kitty motif." "WHAT?!?" Ranma looked up. "That's disgusting! All your taste is in your mouth, otemba-chan." Akane giggled. "And you have no taste at all. We don't need to register, Ko-chan. If anyone wants to bring a present, they can." "Nix it," Ranma shook his head. "Nabiki will tell everyone to bring money anyway and keep a hefty sum." "Well," Ranko chuckled. "Not like you guys need the money." "I could use it," Hiroshi volunteered. "I need to take Sayuri out to dinner tonight. Then the love motel." "Does she know this?" Ranko said. "Where is she? I'll just ask her." "YAHH! NO! EEEK!" Hiroshi slid under the table, quivering in fear. "Hey, Ranko," Daisuke leaned over to the redhead. "You've got the biggest dowry this side of the Pacific. How about a husband?" "I don't have one for you to borrow," she said. "But I hear there are certain bathhouses -" A student within earshot squirted juice out of his nose in a laughing fit, as several girls blushed and giggled in unison. "How about you and me go to the janitor's closet and make some nasty wet sounds?" he breathed in her ear. Ranma almost got up to kill the hentai, but Akane's hand on his arm stopped him. "Get off me, moron, before I send you face-first through the ceiling." Her battle aura lit around her, making Ranma, Akane, and Hiroshi scoot their chairs back. "Aw, c'mon, babe," he began. "You know you - URK!" As the idiot turned blue, the redhead pulled him close to her face. "No one. Calls. Me. 'Babe'. Got it, you little punk?" "AKK!" he said, nodding. She smiled and released him as he lost consciousness. "Always was thick," Hiroshi mumbled. Ranma and Akane resumed feeding each other lunch and cooing endearments to each other, disgusting everyone around them. One guy whispered to another, "I think I liked it better when they were trying to kill each other." His companion nodded in agreement. "You gonna tell them that?" "Hell No! I want to live!" * * * * * * * * * * At three o'clock, the bell rang and the students gathered in the schoolyard for the dreaded announcement. Kikuko was managing bets, taking wagers and spilling secrets. "Hey, Nabiki!" one of the guys called out across the lawn. "I heard something about you and Kuno!" Nabiki turned from bullshitting with Ranko and some other students, and asked, "What did you hear?" "Oh, come on," he approached and nudged her. "We all know about you and the 'Blue Hentai'." Nabiki raised an eyebrow, and Ranko scooted away to Ranma and Akane. "Really?" she asked. "Who informed you of this?" "Kikuko, of course. Reasonable rates, too." Nabiki nodded. "Excuse me a moment." Ranma got a pained look on his face. "Oooo, this is gonna be messy. What was that American saying?" "[The shit is going to hit the fan,]" Ranko answered in English. Nabiki made her way to her aide-de-camp - no, she corrected herself, *former* aide-de-camp, and soon to be a new pair of shoes. Snakeskin shoes. Kikuko looked up and smiled nervously. "Yeah, boss?" Nabiki smiled sweetly, dripping with razors, and inquired, "Someone has been spreading rumors about myself and a certain person we both know. Would you know who started these rumors?" "Yep," Kikuko said. "You did, when you told me about it." Nabiki's eye twitched. "And you decided to say something anyway - despite the promised retribution?" "The videotape? I already sold it to a movie producer." "NANI?!?" Nabiki gasped in surprise. "Got a hundred thousand for it, too," she continued. "I thought about it, and I decided that making a huge pile of cash was more important than my reputation." She stepped up to Nabiki and stared her down. "So what are you going to do about it?" Nabiki smiled, a small tear in her eye. "My little girl's finally grown up." She burst into a Soun-wail. "I'M SO PROUD OF YOU!! WAAAAAHHHHH!" Ranko rushed over, terrified at the sound of Nabiki crying. "What is it?" "KIKUKO-CHAN'S A DIRTY SNEAKY BACKSTABBING BLACK-HEARTED GREEDY SCOUNDREL!" Nabiki wailed. "I LOVE HER SO MUCH!" Ranko blinked and decided to leave the situation before it got too weird for her. "You're not mad at me?" Kikuko asked in surprise. Nabiki hugged her tight. "Not at all! In fact, you have finally proven worthy of being my heir!" Kikuko would have facefaulted except Nabiki was holding her too tight. Nabiki smiled. "When I depart to take over the underworld of some college, *you* will be the Hard Bitch of Furinkan, Mistress of Bookies, and Holder of All The Secrets!" Several people nearby quickly bowed, hoping to get into Kikuko's good graces right off. "Yes, *you*!" Nabiki continued. "You'll have the Secret Photo Lab, the Hidden File Cabinet, the Master Password to the Computer System, and even... the Little Book!" Kikuko's eyes grew wide. "*THE* 'Little Book'? The one with ... *those* phone numbers in it?" Nabiki nodded, and Kikuko decided to faint. * * * * * * * * * * Ina looked around her Ono-sama's apartment as she stirred her tea. It took a bit of work, but she finally finished redecorating the place. It wasn't easy to get daisy-themed lace-trimmed chintz drapes, and even more difficult to get furniture that matched, but she did it. (Azusa Shiritori wandered by briefly, saw the décor, and ran into the night screaming that there was such a thing as too much kawaii. She was later found shuddering in an alley in profound shock.) It had been about two days since her Ono-sama had run off after she had passed out from the falling debris. She had waited for him, preparing him supper, redecorating his apartment, putting manacles on his bed and in his shower, and generally tidying up the clinic for his arrival. Still no sign of her true love and soul mate. She had disregarded the visit from the nasty tentacle demon as mere sleep-induced dementia, and hoped that the nightmare would not return. There were some things that were just too naughty for her. Concern for her darling held her attention, and she debated what action to take to find him. He could be all alone, hungry and sick ... or he could be shacked up with that bitch calling herself 'Ranko'. If that top-heavy tramp had cornered her sweet, shy Ono- sama in any way, she was going to smear that redhead's entrails all over this place called Nerima. Briefly, she wondered about these bursts of temper she'd been having. Ina was a dedicated pacifist; her motto was 'Peace and Love'. She felt that Good Will Triumph, and Love Conquers All. Except when it came to anything getting between her and her Ono-sama!! "She won't get him!" she growled to the empty room, her rage erupting out of nowhere. "I don't care about her spells and those fake snack-trays! I'M Ono-sama's little daisy!" She snorted. "'Ranko Saotome'! Does she think she's fooling anyone?! I KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!" Eldritch forces swirled around the somewhat-demented girl. "I'LL GET YOU, LINA INVERSE!!" Lina Inverse sneezed. She'd been looking around this city for nearly four days. All she found out was that gold was fantastically valuable, magic was really different (but her own still worked), and this city was larger than some countries she'd blown up ... er, visited. "How am I supposed to find Miss Goody-Two-Shoes in this weird place?" A burst of mystic energy erupted on the horizon, virtually invisible to the untrained eye. But Lina Inverse had the best-trained eyes currently in Japan. "A-HA!" she cried. "Once again, the incredible intellect of Lina Inverse solves the insoluble! RAYWING!" Flying into the air, she headed in the direction of the mystic energy burst. * * * * * * * * * * Standing in perfect straight lines in perfect rows, stood the Furinkan High School student body. The perfect blending of blue jumpers and black uniforms were spotted with shocks of a red shirt and another of red hair (The usual suspects, of course). Noticeably gone was Ukyo in her boy's uniform, but that sight was becoming regular. The rumor that she was in an insane asylum was the mildest conjecture of where the okonomiyaki chef could be. "A-LOOOO-HA!!!" the familiar oddly-accented Japanese cried out. "Dis be de day study for finals start to pass on to next grade, yah?" A mutter of consensus and fear was raised among the students. "Get on with it, you old fart!" Ranma shouted. "It be well known fact that de hormones make students forgetful, yah? Dat dey don' pay no mind to the teachers." "Yeah!" Daisuke said. "Ain't it great? Yay hormones!" Those in a ten-meter radius jumped on the fool and pounded him. "Don't encourage him, baka!" "So," the madman continued. "It now be de policy of de school dat any students gettin' married durin' de school year gotta take summer classes, den gotta take de whole year over!" "WHAT?" Ranma and Akane roared, leaping to the podium, their feet landing on either side of the palm tree (which failed to wipe the smile from the principal's demented face). "*We're* the only students that have gotten married here in the past year, you fruit loop!" Ranma yelled. "Or in the past *ten* years!" "This is aimed solely at us!" Akane agreed. "Yeah! Ain't it great?" he said. "De Big Kahuna's most disobedient keikei and wahini gonna get whole 'nother year to learn respect!" Nabiki leaned over to Ranko and remarked, "I thought he wanted to get rid of them. Go fig; I thought it was a semester thing." Ranko shook her red head. "You never fought him like me and Niichan did. He doesn't want Ranma gone - he wants to break him. He wants Ranma to crawl. This is just another way to break his spirit." "You can't keep us here like that, you demented freak!" Ranma said, his fist descending. Moving with amazing agility for a man in such obviously poor physical condition, the principal dodged the blow. "Sucks ta be you, keikei!" He leaned close. "And guess what? I AREDDY DOOD IT! WHA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA- HA-HA-HA!!!" "And will you STOP TALKING LIKE THAT?!?" Akane shrieked, trying to smash the rapidly dodging loony with a mallet. "IT SOUNDS STUPID! Even a Hawaiian tour guide would rather cut his throat than talk like that!" "Make et harder on youself, wahini!" "I SAY THEE NAY!!" Everyone turned to the pompous yell. There, on the roof of the school building, lightning illuminating the sky behind him (which was rather odd, since it was clear everywhere else), was Tatewaki Kuno, the rather silly-looking Blue Thunder. "Damn," Ranko stated. "I gotta learn that trick!" Nabiki nodded. "The one thing he does really well." Kuno stood in a noble heroic pose, spoiled somewhat by the bag of underwear, the t-shirt with the words 'How's my window-peeping? Call 1-800-PERVERT', and the boxers with the giant ant on the front. Not to mention the now-infamous Bokken of Perversion. "FOUL MISCREANT!" he cried in an admittedly impressive tone. "I, THE MIGHTY BLUE THUNDER, SHALL PROVE MY MANLINESS TO THE FAIR LADIES AKANE TENDO AND RANKO SAOTOME BY ENDING YOUR REIGN OF EVIL ONCE AND FOR ALL!" Akane hid her face in shame. "I'm *MARRIED*, you incredibly dense [CENSORED]!" Ranko matched her hair color and moaned, "Where's a hole so I can pull it in after me?" Daisuke leaned close. "You can hide at my place." Ranko demonstrated the Secret Amazon Gelding Grip (lessons available from Matriarch Shampoo c/o the Nekohanten, Nerima, Tokyo, Japan, for a modest fee). Daisuke fell to the ground, screaming two octaves higher than ever before, while every male who witnessed it fainted. "An' how you gonna stop me, sonny-boy?" the principal cackled. Ranma grinned. "Hey! Maybe they'll kill each other! Oh boy!" Akane grinned along with him. "Good luck for a change, Kuno!" "I SHALL DEFEAT THEE WITH THY GREATEST WEAKNESS!" Kuno proclaimed, whipping a piece of paper from the fly of his shorts. "EWWWWWW!!!" commented the crowd. "BEHOLD!" Kuno stated in arrogant tones, "THINE OWN BIRTH CERTIFICATE!!" "YAAAAAHHHHH!!!" the Principal of Furinkan screamed and ran over to a bust of himself. Pulling it open, he yanked down a concealed lever. Hidden doors opened under the students, causing them to scramble to safety. Mighty engines hauled forth from its underground hiding place the Principal's Greatest Secret. "Behold! DE ULTIMATE TEACHING AID!" he cried in his dementia. "MECHA-HAVAIIA-ZILLA!!" The student body gazed in shock (and deeply offended sensibilities) at the giant mecha made out of palm trees, coconuts, and what appeared to be tiki statues, all topped off by a humongous floral-print Hawaiian 'tourist' shirt. "Please tell me he's kidding," Ranko said. "'Fraid not," Nabiki said. "My mighty beast!" the Principal shrieked. "KILL!!" It just stood there. "KILL!!" Again, nothing happened. "What's it supposed to do?" one student asked. "Whatever it is, it's doing it," another answered. One student shook his head. "Are you *sure* this isn't a 'Project A-Ko' rip-off?" The Principal whapped his own head. "Oops! De Big Kahuna took de money for de motors an' spend it on educatin' de students! Well, De Big Kahuna never make *dat* mistake again!" "INDEED NOT!" Kuno said. "FOR NOW THY DOOM IS NIGH! AS SURELY AS THOU ART NAMED-" A flurry of exploding tropical produce flew toward Kuno, ripping the new facade off the building. "That's the key!" Ranma said to Akane. "The Principal's name! We get his birth certificate, and we win!" "How do we get it?" she asked. "Steal it from Kuno, of course." Nabiki sighed. "Of course. You'd never think of doing anything simple - like asking the one person who knows *all* the secrets." "Right!" Ranma said, marching off. "Let's get that certificate - URK!" Ranma found himself face-down in the dirt, with his sister and wife standing on his head. Akane looked all sweet and innocent. "Oneechan? Do you know the principal's real name?" "Yep." After a brief silence, punctuated only by the sounds of exploding bananas in the distance, Akane asked. "Oneechan... what is the principal's real name?" Nabiki looked around at all the people who were craning close trying to overhear. "SCRAM!" she bellowed. "When did Daddy teach you the Demon-head Trick?" Akane asked as the eavesdroppers scattered. "That's another question," Nabiki said smugly. Nabiki crooked her finger, and Akane leaned close, so Nabiki could whisper it in her ear. She pulled away in shock. "THAT'S THE PRINCIPAL'S REAL NAME?!?" she said, startled. "Oh the poor man! No wonder he turned out that way!" Ranma, Ranko, and the battling Kunos halted. "You know THE NAME?!?" the Kunos said in shock. "What is it?? What is it??" the Saotomes asked excitedly. "It's - NO! I CAN'T!!" Akane said, covering her eyes with her arm. "IT WOULD BE TOO CRUEL!!" Ranko and Ranma's eyes bugged out as they screamed in horror and anguish. "Akane-chan!" Ranma insisted. "If we don't get rid of him, we'll have to repeat the whole year!" "But it's so - horrible!" she said. "Who cares?" Ranko said. "This is *Principal Kuno* we're talking about! Do the bastard before he does us!" "I can't!" Akane insisted, weeping. "After I married Ranma, I promised myself that I'd never be so cruel and sadistic again!" One student cried out, "I got five hundred yen that says it's 'Paulette'!" "Covered!" Kikuko cried out. Ranma felt steam coming off of him. "AKANE SAOTOME! IF YOU DON'T TELL ME THAT NAME RIGHT NOW, I'LL NEVER SPANK YOU AGAIN!!" ... silence reigned ... (Except of one voice crying out "I knew it!") Kuno visualized Akane being spanked (and enjoying it), and his eyes rolled back in his head as he passed out. Unnoticed, one Hikaru Gosunkugi, visualizing the exact same thing, suffered a near-fatal nosebleed at this point. Akane blushed, then leaned close and whispered to Ranma. Ranma looked horrified. "Oh geez .." Ranko hopped up and down, shaking her fists in rage. "WHAT THE BLEEDING GREEN PUS IS THE FRIGGING *NAME*?!?" The Principal fell down on his knees before Ranma. "I'll give you perfect grades! You'll be Class Valedictorian! You'll get SCHOLARSHIPS! Jus' DON'T SAY IT!!" Ranma looked at his sister. "Koneko." Ranko was shocked. "What?" "His name. Koneko." A grinning Kikuko grabbed a five-hundred yen note from a sad-faced student. Ranko looked at the lei-wearing weirdo with pity. "Your parents named you 'Kitten'??" Principal Koneko Kuno squealed and curled up in a fetal position. A rumble started... the rumble of a whisper spreading in a crowd. It grew louder, occasionally resolving into the word 'Koneko' before dissolving... ... into laughter. As one person, the entire student body of Furinkan High School (plus faculty) fell on their asses and laughed. Chibi-Hinako dashed up to the shaking and pale Principal. "Ooooh! Poor Kitten! Is oo embawassed?" With an inhuman shriek, Koneko Kuno, Principal of Furinkan High School, Hawaii fanatic, and sole survivor of the Kuno School of Martial Arts Barber Sciences, burrowed into the ground and vanished from human ken. Hinako piku-pikued. "Was it something I said?" Ranko elbowed Ranma and pointed at the unconscious Tatewaki Kuno. The twins looked at each other, evil grins spreading over their features. * * * * * * * * * * In the distant nation of Lower Slobbovia, some time later... (For those who do not know, Lower Slobbovia is a nation that produces the ugliest women on Earth. Male children are never born in Lower Slobbovia, since their pre-born souls look down from Heaven, see the quality of the women, and decide to be born elsewhere. They maintain their population only by kidnapping men from other nations to breed with.) A crowd of fantastically-ugly women gazed at the heavens. The low-flying aircraft dropped a package, which deployed a parachute and drifted to earth. When the large crate hit the ground, the sides fell away, revealing the bound and gagged form of Tatewaki Kuno. Kuno came awake, sensing powerful female force nearby. He gazed at the crowd. "Where are the women?" he asked. "LAND ALIVE!" one hideous woman cried. "A MAN!" "A frisky one, too!" a yet-more-hideous woman cried. An utterly-horrific female lunged forward. "MINE!!" Kuno snapped his bonds in one amazing burst of fear-induced adrenalin and leapt out the path of the horny harridan. A disgusting-looking female creature ran toward him, a look of depraved joy in her alleged face. "COME TO ME, MY STUD- MUFFIN!" Kuno beheld the mob of women, each one uglier than the last, charging toward him, expressions of lust on their faces, and screamed like a little girl. DISCLAIMER: Sorry for the delay, but we're struggling for survival in the inhospitable wilderness of Eastern Florida, living on raw alligator and swamp water. ------------------- Ranma 1/2: "Our Wedding Day" pt. 16 by Lady Tesser and Jack Staik -------------------- Ranma awoke, feeling cheerful and happy. Since he took on the Estate of Manhood by claiming his bride and his home, he'd found that he didn't sleep in as much. In the past, he'd looked upon sleep as a blessed escape from the pain of life, but now his life was his, and he intended to enjoy it. Speaking of enjoying life ... He rolled over and kissed his wife on the cheek. "Good morning, my love," he said, his hand gliding over her hip. "And how is my Goddess of Love today?" "Bloated. Cramping. And I look awful." "Nonsense - you never looked lovelier." Then her words sank in ... Bloated. Cramping. Oh crap. "Damn! I thought I marked it on the calendar!" "What was that, Ranma?" "Uh - why don't you just stay in bed, Akane-sama, and I'll fetch you up some breakfast?" Quickly jumping out of bed, he dashed downstairs. "Midol- laced orange juice, that'll be first -" And as he looked in the kitchen, he saw Kasumi pouring some of the precious, life-saving Midol into her hand, keeping some for herself and giving some to Ranko. Both were chomping on chocolate bars ... at nine in the morning. "Eep!" he commented. As he turned to dash away, he almost ran into Nibiki, who was wearing her pajamas and a nasty frown. "Who used up all the tampons?" she snapped. A second later, the front door was shattered by a screaming Ranma dashing into the street. * * * * * * * * * * Lina flew over the district, noting in passing a large statue made of tropical artifacts being pulled down with ropes by an angry mob and some lunatic in a red shirt screaming and running across the rooftops. "Weird place," she muttered. "Figures that she'd hang out here. Not a genteel, refined person like myself." Lina made a graceful two-point landing on a street corner and considered her options. "I know the magic force came from around here. But without another burst, how do I narrow it down?" She snapped her fingers. "I know - I'll ask someone!" She looked around and saw a merchant sweeping up near her shop. "Excuse me! Has anything abnormal or unnatural happened around here recently?" The shopkeeper (whose shop was halfway between the Saotome Dojo and the Nekohanten) fell on the ground and rolled around, laughing hysterically. Lina got slightly steamed and exploded the shop a bit, which made the shopkeeper stop laughing. "You want The Dojo," she said nervously. (In Nerima, all dojos are mentioned by name except one, which is THE Dojo. Guess which one. C'mon. Guess.) Lina looked puzzled. "What's a 'dojo'?" The shopkeeper was confused. "You know - a dojo. Where they teach the Art?" Lina suddenly comprehended. "Oh - a magic academy! That makes sense. Which way?" The shopkeeper was about to explain her misapprehension, but decided against it - just get rid of the weirdo, and let the Saotomes and Tendos handle it. "That way - big compound. Can't miss it unless you carry an umbrella." Lina was about to ask about that, but decided that it was some weird local phrase and didn't bother. "Thanks," Lina said, tossed a silver coin at the shopkeeper, and shouted "RAYWING!" Nothing happened. Lina flapped her arms. "RAYWING!" she repeated. More nothing happened. Lina stewed for a moment, then pulled out a small notebook from her back pocket. "Calendar ... Lessee, two days ... then five more before that ... OH CRAP!" "Anything the matter?" the shopkeeper asked. "MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!" Lina yelled, then she stomped off, mumbling to herself. "Can't come on gradually, no! It has to hit suddenly, all at once. At least I packed the stuff I'll need ..." The shopkeeper sighed in relief as the crazy girl departed, then took a good look at the remnants of her shop and screamed. * * * * * * * * * * Ranma raced into the Nekohanten, a look of desperation on his face. Ryoga looked bug-eyed as Ranma fell on his knees and begged, "Ryoga! Pal! Brother! HIDE ME!" Sasuke peaked out from behind Ranma. "Me, too." Ranma almost jumped out of his skin. "HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET THERE??" "I *am* a ninja," Sasuke said. "What's the matter, Ranma?" Ryoga asked, worry in his voice. "It's TIME! All of them! ALL AT ONCE!!" he howled in despair. Ryoga looked confused. Shampoo came out of the kitchen at the sound of the howl. "What silliness men-folk up to?" "All of them! All at once! Chocolate! Mood swings! THE HORROR! AAAAGGGGHHHH!!" Shampoo nodded in understanding. "[It's quite natural, Ranma,]" she explained in Mandarin. "[When a group of women have lived together a long time, their cycles begin to synchronize. Since Ranko *has* been living with the Tendos a full year - in a way - it's natural that her cycle would start to match up with the Tendo girls.]" She chuckled. "[You should see the Amazon Villages around the full moon; Men cowering in the underbrush, trembling in terror. Except for the traveling salesmen selling chocolate and Midol.]" "Cycle?" Ryoga asked. Shampoo patted his cheek. "[I'll explain later, sweetheart.]" "But why do *you* need to hide?" Ryoga asked Sasuke. "I grew up with four older sisters and I was married for twenty years," the ninja explained. "*And* I worked for Kodachi Kuno! I know *exactly* what's going on, and I'd rather run away! Better a live mouse than a dead lion!" Ranma moaned. "And I've lived in that house and shared a body with Ranko for a year - I know what's going on even better! Right now I'll bet they're all sitting around the dining room table, gobbling chocolate, complaining about cramps and water retention, and blaming any male who crosses their path for existing! I NEED TO HIDE!" * * * * * * * * * * Akane, Ranko, Nabiki, and Kasumi sat around the dining room table, looking annoyed. This was normally supposed to be breakfast, but the moods of the four women demanded something else - a Bitch Session. "Why the hells is this still happening?" Ranko snarled, stabbing at her chocolate-flavored breakfast cereal. "It's the second day! This must be the longest Time in history!" "It is your real First One," Kasumi said. "But it's usually three or four days. At least you don't have these annoying cramps." The other two sisters grunted their agreement. "I've gained almost half a kilo from water retention alone!" Akane complained, twisting a spoon into a pretzel. "Ranma thinks I'm bloated and hideous!" "Did he say that?" Ranko asked. "No, he said that I looked lovely - but he can't fool me!" The other three nodded, grunting their agreement. "Damn bastard," Nabiki snarled in a low voice, ignoring the others. "Takes six times to get it right, and doesn't even bother to call afterwards ... probably out stealing some girl's underwear ... " They desperately needed a victim to happen to. Fate did not disappoint. The four women watched with disgust as a familiar figure in a red Chinese shirt and a braided pigtail entered the dining room. "Akane - I've decided to leave you and get a divorce," he said, holding himself tall. "I'm going to devote my life to getting drunk and sleeping with tramps. Don't worry - I'll let you keep all of the money." Akane shook her head. "Father, that is a pathetic disguise." Nabiki hid her face in her hands. "Now I wish Ichiro had been my father." "Truly sad," Ranko commented. Kasumi nodded in agreement. "You could have at least shaved off your moustache." Soun (in the Ranma suit) looked outraged. "I'd *never* shave off my moustache! And this is an *excellent* disguise!" He looked surprised for a second, then said, "I mean - I'm Ranma." A few moments later, the silence of the neighborhood was broken by a high-pitched scream. * * * * * * * * * * Lina stomped along the street, complaining under her breath. "Bad enough my magic cuts out, but do my feet have to swell, too? Where is that damn magic academy, anyway?" Then she heard it - a lyrical voice singing a cheery song. Not just any cheery song, but a cheerful grape-stomping song from her homeland, sung in her native language. A song she hated with a passion, ever since she was a little girl and slipped and fell in the vat and the other girls kept stomping, dyeing her hair and skin deep purple for almost a month. From out of a square building came a figure with blonde hair in a daisy-print skirt. "The color-spell can't fool me - it's HER!" Lina remembered that Xellos had said that this counterpart to herself was becoming unstable, that she might be dangerous. And her own magic was temporarily unavailable. So Lina decided to use subtlety. Taking a huge mallet out, she ran up to the blonde, yelled a mighty yell, and walloped her in the head. * * * * * * * * * * The mob of reporters besieging the Tendo Dojo the past few days had shrunk somewhat (partially due to new scandals in the Diet, and partially to utter fear of what might happen to anyone else who tried to sneak in). Hitori Dezaki of the 'Tokyo Intruder' (the expert on the Nerima Desk) just relaxed and watched the younger crowd work. He'd learned the hard way about getting too damn close to that house, so he didn't try. After all, he knew he just had to wait, and something tabloid-worthy would come along any moment. (not to mention he had a good relationship with the Saotome press flack, Nabiki Tendo - not as good as he'd like, though.) Sure enough, in a few minutes a badly-injured man in a garbage bag was thrown over the wall. The photographers and reporters ran up to get a picture, probably a quote (one even had the silly idea of calling the police or an ambulance, but he was new to the job), but they were beaten to the punch as a giant panda ran up, grabbed him, and dashed away. In their eagerness, some of the reporters gave chase, but they accidentally ran into a small-breasted red-haired girl in a outfit with huge shoulder-pads who was dragging a trussed-up blonde girl behind her. The collision knocked the redhead down and gave the blonde a chance to escape. This caused the redhead to pull out a European-style short-sword and try to hack the reporters up, all the while cussing in some unknown language. Hitori shook his head in despair. He knew better than to try damn-fool things like chase people in Nerima (he tried that covering his very first story - the Kodachi Kuno Sport Sabotage Scandal - which resulted in his being tossed off the roof of a four-story house; after that, he just observed from a discreet distance). Since the crowd had thinned, so he pulled out his bouquet of daisies, marched up to the house, and rang the bell. The young woman who tended the house - Kasumi, he recalled - answered the door. "May I help you?" she asked, an edge to her voice. "Is Nabiki Tendo available?" he asked. "Just a moment," she said. As the door shut, Kasumi yelled out "NABIKI! YOUR PET REPORTER IS HERE!" "OH HELL!" Nabiki's voice rang out. "WHAT'S THE JERK WANT NOW?!" "HE HAS FLOWERS!" Kasumi replied. "I THINK HE'S GOING TO PUT THE MOVES ON YOU!" "NICE FLOWERS?" "DAISIES! I THINK HE SWIPED THEM FROM THE CEMETERY!" Hitori, being a tabloid reporter, was accused of that and worse every day, so he just grit his teeth and bore it. But he did feel that his chances with the fair Nabiki might not be as good as he had hoped at this time. Nabiki pulled the door open. "Couldn't swipe roses from one of the nicer graves?" she snapped. "No," he replied. "They were all mixed in with lilies. Besides, I'm just asking you on a date, not trying to marry you." "And why not?" she asked. "Just because I'm all bloated you think I'm not good enough to marry?!" "Please! We only just met!" Akane barged out poking him in the chest with her finger, shoving him backwards. "What kind of girl do you think my sister is anyway, you - you MALE!" Ranko did an end-run and got behind him, shoving at his back. "Just like a guy! Romance a girl, get your naked romp, then dump her without even calling when you run off to China!" "China?" Hitori asked. "What's China have to do with anything?" "Don't change the subject!" Nabiki shouted. "You just confessed that you were just trying to get into my pants!" "WHAT!? I DIDN'T!!" "Oh? Isn't my sister good enough for you?" Kasumi accused. "You show up here with flowers and sweet lines, leading her on, then decide that you'd rather have someone else?" She turned her back on him. "Just like a high-school Home Ec teacher!" "Who mentioned someone else?" Hitori wailed in despair. "I just wanted a date!" "You jerk!" Akane yelled. "How dare you take advantage of poor Nabiki like that?" "Pervert!" Ranko added, whapping him on the head. "HELP!!" he cried. * * * * * * * * * * * * Meanwhile, at the Northern Shadow Port in China, not far from the borders with Korea and Russia ... Ono Tofu sighed in exasperation. "I know you arrange trips - I have to get to the Amazon Village as quickly as possible!" "No speak Japanese!" the harbor master said in a sing-song tone. "We're speaking Mandarin!" he snapped. "How's a guy supposed to tell with your thick-as-grease accent?" the harbor master commented. "Anyway, this is a respectable, law-abiding port, no smuggling here, so get back in your boat and go home!" Tofu waved his hand in the air. "You want to help me." The harbor master grinned and held up a charm hanging around his neck. "Nice try, Obi-Wan. You ain't the first goob to try that in the past three thousand years." "Look, I'm desperate." he said, hauling out a big pile of yen. "I'll pay double your normal rates!" "Ha! You been following the currency exchanges lately? I wouldn't use that stuff as spare tissues!" Tofu brought out a stack of gold coins. "Like hell! This is an honest shop! Besides, those things all have serial numbers on them!" Sighing, Tofu was about to give up. Then a notion struck him. With a grin, he reached into his jacket and brought out a videotape labeled 'Star Wars Episode I - The Phantom Menace'. The harbor master's eyes got wide. "I thought that wasn't out yet!" "Bootleg. From some friends in California." He looked around, grabbed the tape, and put it in his coat. "Okay, one first-class round-trip to Joketsuzouko - will you want meals served?" * * * * * * * * * * Jiro Hibiki was headed for the abode of the lovely Kasumi Tendo for congenial companionship (and perhaps some light snuggling), but the sight of the man hanging from the front gate (hogtied, in a pink taffeta dress and blonde wig, with a placard reading 'Male Scum!' around his neck) made him turn around and decide to go elsewhere. Perhaps a Chinese lunch, he thought. After all, with his half-brother about to marry the owner, he might be able to swing a discount. He arrived to find Ranma-chan doing the 'cute waitress' bit, with Sasuke sweeping floors. "If you're looking for family discounts, Jiro," Ranma-chan said while delivering five orders simultaneously, "Forget it! Shampoo runs a tight ship when she's engaged to someone else!" "We wouldn't have to do even this," Sasuke grumbled, "If a certain gender-changing baka hadn't helped himself to the stir-fry without even asking!" "I hadn't had breakfast, okay?" Jiro shook his head. "Pathetic." Then he got a grin on his face. "Well, Oh Kawaii Waitress," he said, plopping down at a table. "You can bring me a menu, and a fresh pot of Orange Mandarin tea. And be quick about it - chop-chop!" Ranma-chan aimed a blow for his head, but Shampoo rushed out of the kitchen and got between them. "Waitress is POLITE!" she scolded. "Waitress take order with SMILE! And Waitress never forget that Waitress still owe two hours service to pay for gluttony!" She smirked. "Unless Waitress want to pay for ten orders of Cantonese stir-fry Waitress gobbled up like vacuum?" Ranma-chan growled. "I told you - I left my wallet at home! You know I'm good for it!" "Produce cash or get back to work!" "I can't go home right now!" She pouted. "Poor Ranma - afraid of woman's cycle." "Damn straight!" Jiro laughed harder. "Is that why you're running around in that little ruffly pink skirt? You're afraid of falling victim to the Tomboy's mastery of Martial Arts PMS?" "It's all four of them!" Ranma-chan snapped. Shampoo swatted her head. "POLITE!" Ranma-chan smiled and continued in a sweet voice. "Whenever this would happen in the past, Genma and I would go on missions or training trips, usually with Soun. This time, it caught me by surprise." Jiro shook his head. "Little Brother, you are whipped." Ranma-chan just snarled. Shampoo hit Ranma-chan's head with a wooden bowl from across the room. "You taking orders or just flirting?" Ranma-chan rubbed her head as she handed him a menu. "She's getting more like the Old Ghoul every day. Don't know how Ryoga stands it." Looking over her shoulder, she called out something in Chinese, then spun and caught the teapot and cups on the lacquered tray and put them on Jiro's table. "It's obvious," Jiro said, looking through the menu. "You and him have the same problem. Living with all these females is sapping your Vital Manly Essence. You've got to go out and reassert your manhood." He frowned. "Lot of pork dishes. But reasonably priced." "New shipment," she said, pouring a cup of tea. "We're trying to clear it out. And I don't see you rushing to Kasumi's side to 'assert your manhood'." "Hmmm..." Jiro said with exaggerated care. "Do I want this? Or this? Or this? So many decisions - my head is swimming!" "Oh, just order already, you reject from a kaijuu film!" "MANAGER!" he yelled. "This waitress is being rude to me!" Ranma-chan ducked the first bowl, but the second hit her. "BE NICE OR SHAMPOO CALL RANMA'S WIFE!" This got Ranma-chan a few stares, but Ranma-chan recovered with a big smile. "May I recommend the shredded pork?" Jiro sighed. "I can't stand to see my baby brother reduced to this." "Heck, she's got Ryoga scrubbing the garbage cans. Aside from a few bottom-pinchers, this is a lot better." Jiro looked up at his female brother with a large degree of pity. Then a plan formed. "Keep tonight's calendar open," he said. "You and Pig-Boy." Ranma-chan looked suspicious. "Why?" "Because, after you bring me my Wushu Pork, I am going to plan for the two of you the Ultimate Male Experience, guaranteed to restore your Vital Manly Essences and enhance your manhood." "The last time a guy offered me something like that, I was twelve and he got arrested." He hopped up on the table and struck a heroic pose, microphone and all. "Have no fear, my girly baby brother, for I, Jiro Hibiki, am going to - ick! - do something nice, and throw my brothers A BACHELOR PARTY!" Outside, Ryoga got chills up and down his spine for no reason. * * * * * * * * * * In the sewers beneath Nerima, a cute girl in a naughty pink outfit (Akari Unryuu, in case you couldn't figure it out) looked with maniacal glee upon the Doomsday Device. "Soon, my precious Ryoga-sama, you will be mine once more! I shall save you from the evil gaijin whore and restore you to my sweet embrace!" She giggled cutely. "After, of course, I teach you a lesson about why naughty piggies shouldn't stray outside of the pen!" The ninja pig servants cringed before her mad cackling. DISCLAIMER: We will not take responsibility for any lemon- flavored inferences you perverts draw from this. ------------------- Ranma 1/2: "Our Wedding Day" pt. 17 by Lady Tesser and Jack Staik -------------------- In their redoubt, the Phoenix Warriors and Lady Aga waited for the coming of a favorable conjunction of stars. They would not stir this night. In a five-star hotel, in a suite paid for by several gold coins, Lina Inverse closed the window and went back to her eleven-course midnight snack. The energies in the air made her ill-disposed to go out. The winds howled, dark clouds skittered over the sky, distant thunder pealed. Animals cowered and hid in their holes, and small children cried, not knowing why. For the stars this night bespoke of ill omen, and all things done beneath them would be ill done. This was a night when the forces of Chaos and Old Night would be unleashed upon an unsuspecting Earth. The Hibiki men were throwing a bachelor party. * * * * * * * * * * Ina Sophia brooded (as much as a terminally-cheerful person can brood). "That nasty Lina Inverse almost got me today, Mister Snugglekins," she said to her favorite plush rabbit. "She stopped running around with that stuffed bra and calling herself 'Ranko', too." She pouted cutely. "I should do something about her, before she ruins my chance to get Ono- sama back. But I can't use my magic because of my ... monthly visitor." She giggled and blushed, embarrassed by the reference. Ina opened one of her smaller bags. "Luckily in this world they're so much more advanced in things like this". She pulled the items out and readied them. "Just insert for your monthly protection." Grinning, her eyelid twitching, she carefully inserted the 'Manstopper' fragmentation bullets into the .38 Colt Python. * * * * * * * * * * Six men sat in the kissaten they rented out for the occasion. The occasion was a bachelor party for two of the men, who were about to embark on the Road of Matrimony (one already had, but technicalities weren't going to bother them tonight). Five of them had a distinct family resemblance. Three of them (Jiro Hibiki, his father Ichiro, and Hiroshi Watanabe) were quite cheerful, getting into the partying mood. Two others (Ranma Saotome and Ryoga Hibiki, the Guests of Honor) were looking both nervous and uncomfortable. And the last looked exactly like Ranma Saotome, except he was wearing a white sundress with a pink belt and pink shoes, as well as oddly-applied makeup and nail polish. This was Ranko-kun Saotome, and he was not a happy camper. "You could have changed, y'know," Ranma commented. "Like hell!" he snarled. "I may have been roped into this, but I'm going to do it my way!" ===<flashback>=== "LIKE HELL!" "Akane!" Ranma said, a hurt look on his face. "You mean to say that after all this time, you don't trust me?" Akane looked suddenly fretful. "Of course I do, Ranma! I'd trust you with my life, my soul!" A dark look clouded her face. "It's Jiro and Ryoga I don't trust!" Nodoka looked up from her wedding planning books and opined, "Perhaps I should ask Ichiro to accompany them - to provide a bit of mature wisdom." Nabiki's eyebrow went up. "You trust Ichiro Hibiki at a bachelor party?" Nodoka blushed. "Well, it's not like we're married -" "Oh, no," Ranko sneered. "You just bore him two children and you're now carrying a third. No obligation on his part at all." "Okay, we can take Ichiro -" Ranma began ... then the words sank in. "MOM?!?" "Oopsie," Akane said cutely. "Did I forget to mention that?" Ranma carefully considered his options, chose the most rational and productive one, and fainted. Nabiki smirked. "Taking it better than I thought he would." "But that doesn't help matters!" Akane snapped. "Kasumi's jerk boyfriend, along with Ryoga the Pig, and Ichiro the Traveling Pollinator, are taking *my* husband to a bachelor party! And you know what a nebbish Ranma is with girls! He wouldn't be able to slap some nearly-naked hussy off his lap, would he?!" Kasumi scowled briefly at the thought of Jiro with a nearly- naked hussy on his lap. "So we'll send along a chaperone, someone we can trust to keep Jiro - er, Ranma - out of trouble." "Do we know any guys that well?" Ranko asked. Kasumi just smiled. Ranko got that feeling she usually got just before screaming maniacs would attack her. She looked around, and all the Tendo girls were looking at her. "Aw, no," she whined. [SPLASH!] Nabiki smiled as she dumped the bucket of water onto Ranko- kun. "Now you can go with them, and make sure nothing gets out of hand." Ranko-kun just growled. "The first one to say 'Don't get your panties in a knot' dies." ===<end flashback>=== "Damn Nabiki," Ranko-kun growled. "Look on the bright side," Jiro said, "She's at your place with Shampoo's little boomer-maker, and she hates kids!" Ranko-kun smiled at the thought of Nabiki changing a diaper. "True." "Hey, that reminds me," Ranma said, "Didn't you and Shampoo have plans tonight? How'd you get her to let you come?" Ryoga puffed up. "Hey! Just because I'm on medication doesn't make me less of a man! I just told her that a family matter came up and we'd reschedule!" ===<flashback>=== [WHAM!] "Owie," Ryoga said politely (Shampoo's bonbori were deadly weapons, but even they couldn't penetrate the insane levels of damage resistance his body had acquired during the Bakusai Tenketsu training and being beaten on by Ranma). "What was that for?" "[We're going out tonight, dip! Remember? We made arrangements for Kasumi to watch Conditioner! How can you just make new plans?!]" "I didn't! It was my older brother! Part of some ritual observance for guys about to get married or something." Shampoo halted. She never understood all the strange customs of this foreign land (that taking shoes off before going inside thing, for example, and why her restaurant couldn't serve green tea), but she tried to respect them. If her soon-to-be-Airen's older brother said it was an important ritual observance, then he should be listened to. After all, if she was living in Japan, she should respect their customs. (I know bachelor parties aren't a Japanese custom, but from Shampoo's P.O.V., Tokyo and New York might as well be the same place.) "[All right, Airen,]" she said. "[But if that dolt of a Pantyhose tries anything like this in the future, tell him, I'll CUT IT OFF!]" Ryoga cringed. ===<end flashback>=== "Oh, by the way Jiro," Ryoga remarked casually. "Shampoo sends her regards." "Glad you aren't intimidated by the fact I got there first, Little Brother," Jiro said, laughing. Ryoga grinned. "But you weren't good enough to get her to come back." The whole table broke up at that one, including Jiro. "Point taken, Pig-Boy." The waiter bought yet another jug of warm sake for half the table, which they dove into enthusiastically. Ranma leaned over to Ryoga. "I'm not really wild about this party," he whispered. "Especially since I'm paying for it!" "Why are you paying for it?" Ranma shrugged. "Jiro said it's the custom for the groom to pay for the bachelor party." Ranko-kun, who had been eavesdropping, almost commented, but decided against it. * * * * * * * * * * Officer Gendo Hiroi of the Tokyo Metropolitan Police yawned as he waited for his partner to finish in a nearby restroom. He'd heard stories of the weirdness of Nerima for much of his career, and had fought tooth and nail to get transferred here. But he'd been here a week or so, and there hadn't been anything too odd happening on his watch. In fact, he was bored out of his head. "'Weird Nerima', my ass," he grumbled. "Might as well have gotten morgue-guarding detail. Nothing exciting around here. At least something exciting could happen - just once!" [KA-BOOM!] A huge chunk of pavement was blown into the sky by the blast, sailing into the night and pelting down in fragments over several blocks. Out of the hole hopped several huge pigs in samurai armor, with paired katana and wakizashi in ready stance. They surrounded the hole protectively. With a whirring sound, a figure rose out of the hole as if on an elevator; a cute girl with brown hair, pink streaks highlighting it. She wore a pink cape and snug-fitting pink lingerie, both with a subtle pig motif in the fabric. Her pink fishnet stockings and pink stiletto heels completed the effect. She appeared to be carrying a baby in the crook of one arm. He was too far away to notice it was a bound and gagged piglet. It soon became apparent that she was sitting atop something. Officer Hiroi watched as the 'something' came into view - a huge pig, about the size of a rhinoceros, wearing what appeared to be a sumo champion's formal outfit. "Come, my minions!" she commanded. "We must acquire sake to power the Doomsday Device, so I can destroy the evil Chinese witch! Forward!" As the girl and her pigs charged into the night, Officer Hiroi just stared. A minute later, his partner came out of the restroom and noted the huge hole in the street. "What happened?" he asked. Hiroi just gaped at the hole. "Don't wish for something," he said, "You might get it." * * * * * * * * * * Genma Saotome sat in an alley, staring blankly at the piece of paper in his hand. Standing besides him, his long-time cohort Soun Tendo kicked him in the head. "Come off it, Saotome! You've been staring at that damn divorce decree for six hours!" "Nonconsummation?" he whined. "But I'm sure we - at least once! On our wedding night - " Soun rolled his eyes. "The Master showed up in your hotel room and scared you into the street. Don't you remember?" "Not really. We got a bulk discount on the sake for the reception." Soun sighed. (At least he's more responsive than he was earlier,) he thought. The process server calling out in a loud voice the listed grounds for the divorce, to the amusement and mocking of the passersby, had shattered what little speck of pride Genma once had left. Genma got a determined look on his face. "We will *succeed*, Tendo! We will show Nodoka that I am not the worthless reprobate she thinks I am!" "How?" "By stealing my son's inheritance, that's how!" Soun felt a headache coming on. "Isn't stealing money from *her* child almost the definition of a reprobate?" Genma waved him to silence. "Don't confuse the issue with facts, Tendo!" * * * * * * * * * * Nodoka Natsuhara (formerly Saotome) enjoyed bouncing the cute blonde baby on her lap. Occasionally the thought would pop up that this was the wrinkled old pervert that had once torn a negligee off of her on her wedding night, transformed by some strange act of her son and daughter, but she shoved that thought out of her head. It was too weird. Shampoo noted how well Nodoka got along with Chibi- Conditioner and smiled and cooed at her adopted son. Nabiki sat as far away as possible; having witnessed too closely the diaper-changing process (GREEN!), she made a note to renew her birth-control prescription. Akane and Kasumi sat picking at bowls of rocky road ice cream, sulking. The combination of the Time-of-the-Month and their males going to a bachelor party had annoyed them greatly. (Ranma's going to be getting drunk and ogling dancing girls,) Akane thought to herself. (He'll get all drunk and excited and he'll grab Ranko and drag her off and -) She snarled and shoved a huge scoop into her mouth. Kasumi fretted in a similar vein. Jiro had been singularly close-mouthed about his romantic past, but she'd talked with Rose Petal (who'd only spoken in vague generalities), Nabiki (who'd spoken only briefly) and Shampoo (who'd gone into great detail). And now he was getting drunk at a bachelor party. She poured sake over her ice cream. Kasumi swore under her breath, got up and went to the door. She pulled it open and yelled "WHAT DO YOU WANT?!" Ina Sophia, who had just begun to reach for the doorbell, flinched back. "Oh, hello! I'm Ina Sophia. Is Lina - I mean Ranko at home?" "No, she's gone out whoring and drinking with her brothers and father. And haven't you caused enough trouble, you scrawny skank?" She slammed the door. By reflex, Kasumi fell on the floor, just as the bullets blew apart the door. "DAMN IT, WE JUST HAD THAT REPLACED!" Akane bellowed, stomping into the room with Nabiki and Shampoo. Ina stepped in through the shattered wreck of the door, pistol in hand. Pointing it at the ladies in question produced a sudden halting and a massive panic-stricken cringe (except for Akane, who put herself between Ina and the others). "Who the hells are you and what are you doing in my house - with a GUN!? Those things are illegal, you know!" "Pish tosh," Ina replied. "I'm Ina Sophia, Ono Tofu's one and only snuggle-bear. And you tell me where the tart calling herself Ranko is before I ventilate your housemaid here. Tee hee!" The gun swung to cover Kasumi. Akane considered the situation. It would take too long for her to use her ki-abilities, and Kasumi was too far away for her to use the Amiguriken to catch the bullets. Akane reluctantly gave an address - one across the street from where the bachelor party was being held. "Okey-dokies," Ina said cheerfully. "That's all I wanted. I have to go now." As she turned, she said. "But if you've been Naughty Nellies and fibbed to me, I'll come back and slit your throats while you sleep! Cheerio!" As the blonde left, she turned to Nabiki. "Get to the phone - call Ranko! If she and the others have advance warning, they can take her!" "What are you going to do?" Nabiki asked as Akane headed out the door. But by the time she got there, Akane was gone into the night, Shampoo in hot pursuit. (I can't let that loony shoot up the neighborhood,) Akane thought. (The best bet is to ambush her at the old storefront I sent her to. If I can get there first!) * * * * * * * * * * The party was doing quite well (eleven complaints from other customers), and Jiro decided that he would fulfil his plan and get a huge kick out of perpetrating a gigantic humiliation upon both his half-brothers - right now. He hopped onto the karaoke stage (causing some bug-eyed stares, considering the stage was ten feet from his table), grabbed the microphone, and called out, "HIBIKIS!!" The feedback squeal made him wince. "Hibikis!" he repeated. "Tonight we mourn the loss of my two younger brothers, Ranma and Ryoga, as they have their manhood stripped away in marriage!" The other patrons laughed, as did Hiroshi. Ranma and Ryoga just growled. "Yes, they have both been ensnared by flashing eyes and wiggling buttocks, and have begged to be castrated and follow their new owners around like puppy dogs!" "WATCH IT, AHO!" Ranma called out. "SOUR GRAPES!" Ranko-kun yelled. "JUST 'CAUSE YOU CAN'T KEEP A WOMAN MORE THAN AN HOUR!" "I don't *need* more than an hour!" Jiro replied arrogantly. The crowd applauded, eating it up. "I'll tell Kasumi you said that," Ranko-kun muttered quietly, enjoying the thought of Jiro's groveling before his girl, trying to explain that. "And so," Jiro went on, "In classic tradition, to show them what they're missing - COME ON LADIES!" Jiro hopped off the stage, just as the spotlights came on and three specimens of scantily-clad femininity wriggled out, all in classic dancing-girl outfits like in some cheap Indian movie made out of golden sequins and semi-transparent silk. One tall black-haired one stood in the middle, her figure the most lush, her moves the most sensuous. The smaller and more slender pair behind her, still attractive in a semi-clad way, acted as background. The patrons howled in delight, hooting and whistling. Ranma and Ryoga blushed like stoplights. Ranma thought the one on the right looked awful familiar. Ryoga thought the one on the left was kind of cute, for which he was immediately ashamed of himself. Ranko looked disgusted. "If this is 'what they're missing', I'm glad I like guys." Someone at a nearby table, overhearing that, said, "Really? We'd never have guessed!" Thier laughter lasted all of two seconds before Ranko-kun's fist backhanded him thirty feet back and out a window. Ichiro seemed surprised. The tall dancer suddenly stopped and stared out into the crowd. "ICHIRO-KUN?!" she called out happily. Ryoga's head jerked up in shock. That voice - "OKAASAN!?!" Ichiko Hibiki hopped off the stage. "And Ryoga! What's Mommy's little man doing here?" She gave him a big motherly hug, which seemed rather incongruous considering her dancing- girl outfit. Everyone else was promise-posed in utter shock. Except Ichiro. "Ichiko-chan, so good to see you again." "What are you two doing in Hong Kong?" she asked. "This is Tokyo, Ichiko." She nodded. "I thought it looked familiar. And who are your friends?" "These are some of my children - Ranma and Ranko. Children, this is my wife, Ichiko. Ichiko-chan, this is Ryoga's bachelor party." "Bachelor party?" Her face lit up. "My little man found himself a girl? Oh, that's so sweet!" Jiro was gagging. "Ichiko-chan, this is my son by my first wife. I may have mentioned him in passing." He smiled. "He calls himself Jiro now." She looked surprised. "He's your son?" She nodded thoughtfully. "I thought there was something familiar about the way he -" "AAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!" Jiro quoth calmly, falling to his knees and tearing his hair out. Ranko-kun analyzed his reaction, and came to the obvious conclusion. "Oh, Jiro! You've boinked our stepmother, too?" Jiro hid his face and wept. One of the other girls came off the stage. "Hey, Mom! What's going on?" "Let me introduce you dear. This is your brother Ryoga - Ryoga-kun, this is your little sister Miyumi." Jiro looked even more horrified. "I HIRED MY OWN SISTER AS A STRIPPER?!" "What are you worried about?" Ranma asked. "You had sex with the other one." Ranko-kun nonchalantly slammed his elbow into his twin's head. "No, Jiro," Ichiko explained. "She's not related to you. She's only your step-sister." Ichiro seemed puzzled. "Who's her father?" Ichiko shrugged. "Who knows? Fourteen years is a long time." Ryoga fell to his knees. "MY FAMILY'S ALL PERVERTS!!" Ranko-kun leaned over and patted him on the back. "Not all of us, brother-mine." Ryoga looked at the dress, the make-up, the masculinity, and broke into tears. "You're not a pervert, Ryoga," Ranma said helpfully. "I THOUGHT MIYUMI HAD A CUTE BUTT!!" Ryoga wailed. Miyumi giggled, "Thanks, oniichan." Ranmma shrugged. "Okay, I was wrong." Ryoga and Jiro put their arms around each other and cried. Ranma muttered, "Y'know, I'm beginning to think ol' Genma wasn't such a bad father after all." Ranko-kun just nodded in agreement. "At least he couldn't figure out what to do with it." Hiroshi, in the meantime, finished off all the sake while no one was looking.