Forgiving Your Parents

There is no doubt that many people have suffered physical abuse from their parents when they were children. There is also no doubt that many have suffered emotional abuse, either directly or through lack of emotional involvement. The media is filled with stories about abuses of all kinds, and it is easy to get the idea that virtually all parents have abused their children.

There are some pertinent facts that are ignored, however. There is no real program anywhere to help prepare people to be parents. We are still stuck with the "happily ever after" image about marriages, and we fall a long way when the marriages don't match our expectations. (Witness Princess Di and Charles). Schools don't really teach people to be parents, or even to be prepared for the sexual aspect of things, other then to go over the same material on sexual diseases and AIDS. There is nothing to prepare people for the various problems of marriage, including arguments, differences in male/female communications, differences in sexual desires, religious differences, etc. We are led to expect that just putting rings on each other's fingers will lead to a life of happiness.

Then we end up with a 50% or higher divorce rate, a large number of households headed by single women, childhood poverty, and abuse.

There are some parents that are really inherently bad, but most parents have actually tried to do their best, given their basically total lack of preparation for parenthood and marriage.

When faced with the things our parents did, did not do, or we believe did even if they didn't, we have some choices to make. We can harbor resentment for the rest of our lives. We can forgive them. We can bury the resentment, not even recognize it consciously, and find various excuses not to really have anything to do with our parents. We can also wait until they die and assume that will solve all our problems.

Of these alternatives, forgiveness is the only one that will really help us. Yet it is obviously extremely hard to forgive actual physical and/or emotional abuse. To mouth the words of forgiveness and to really feel that forgiveness may be two very different things that are universes apart.

Yet continued resentment and ill feelings will do us little good. Thus, we present a meditation on forgiving parents.

FORGIVING A DEPARTED PARENT

The first thing we'll deal with is where one or both of the parents are deceased. Let us make an essential assumption: that there is an afterlife, and that people on the other side can be made aware of us, and can understand what we say and feel.

So, for a departed parent, we recommend the following: Gather your smudging materials along with some cornmeal and any other materials you believe you will need. You should take your Sacred Pipe with you. Go to the graveyard where he/she/they are buried, and locate the gravesite.

1. Smudge yourself and your materials. Smudge the grave and the nearby surroundings in the usual way.

2. Take some cornmeal and tobacco and offer it to the directions, then place the cornmeal on the ground in front of the gravestone.

3. If you have brought your Sacred Pipe, now is the time to offer the Pipe to the directions and smoke it. Make sure you offer the Pipe to the gravestone also.

4. Once these things have been done, then you will want to talk to the Great Spirit and your parent(s). Stand facing the gravestone and say something along the following:

"Great Spirit, Wakan Tanka, I come to you in a spirit of forgiveness. I have offered cornmeal and tobacco in the spirit of the ancestors of this land. I come to you with a purified heart and mind. I seek your help and strength in forgiving my parent(s) [you will want to state the name(s) here] for all the things which he/she/they have done which I feel were abusive of me physically and/or emotionally.

I have smoked the Sacred Pipe, seeking to establish peace between myself and my parent(s). I wish to have a clear heart, a heart holding no ill will towards anyone. Help me to know that my parent(s) did the best possible for me; help me forgive them; give me the strength to set the past behind me, and proceed to the future.

Let all negative feelings be healed, and may my parent(s) know that I have forgiven them. I wish the spirit of [name] only the best of all things, and that his/her/their spirit(s) proceed along the Medicine Path with the help and the love of the Great Spirit.

I ask these things with a humble heart, Great Spirit. Help heal me of all ill will, and let me walk proudly in your ways. Help me to use the experiences of my life in a positive way to help others, and to show others how to walk in harmony on Mother Earth. Let the past and the feelings of the past be healed.

Ho. So be it."

5. Leave the site, and for the rest of the day avoid negative experiences as much as possible, including the news. Try to let the rest of your day be spent in peaceful activities, and with doing things that will lift your spirits.

FORGIVING A LIVING PARENT

It is also possible that one or both of your parents are still alive. This actually makes forgiving them harder, because it is harder to face someone in person and forgive them then it is to go to a gravesite and not have to deal with anyone being physically there.

So this aspect of things is going to be harder to do. Complicating the situation are any possible religious differences between you and the parent(s) you wish to forgive in person. He/she/they may actually object to your following the Medicine Path, or they may simply not understand it, and not take it seriously at all. Worse yet, living parents may continue to do things we don't like, and that makes forgiveness even harder, and an on-going process, to boot!

So, what can you do? There are a couple of possibilities.

1. If your living parent(s) does follow the Medicine Path, or at least respects it and realizes it is as valid as any other spiritual path, then you may wish to perform a rite similar to that of the rite at the gravesite. Smudge yourself, your materials, the area, and your parent(s). Offer tobacco and cornmeal to the directions, and then smoke the Pipe together, making the bond strong. Offer your prayer to the Great Spirit, and then conclude the ceremony. Go out and eat together, or do something positive together.

2. If your living parent(s) does not follow the Medicine Path, or worse, if he/she doesn't care one bit for it or for you following it, then you simply might not be able to grant your forgiveness in person. After all, you are forgiving them, and you have no right to expect forgiveness from them for things they feel you did. You don't really even have a right to expect them to recognize that they did things they need forgiveness for.

In this case, you should perform a rite similar to that at the gravesite, but do it out in a park or in the privacy of your own home. If done with feeling, the results will be the same. You may, of course, need to repeat the ceremony in the future if your parent(s) does other things that you feel are abusive of you.

No problem. Do the rite again, make your prayers again, and do not hold bad feelings in your heart! The Medicine Path is a living pathway, and not something to be done just once and then put behind us forever. Life is an ongoing process, and so is following