Grieving for What Was and What Wasn't

There are many things in all of our lives that we have done and wish we had not done. There are also things that we wish had happened, but did not. Barring the presence of such a powerful staff, what can we do about our feelings over what happened or didn't happen?

What we are doing initially, is grieving our losses or actions. Our grief can even turn to self-hatred and abuse if allowed to fester long enough in our minds. "If only" becomes a catch-word for all our frustrations, our feelings of hopelessness, our fears, our crushed dreams.

We remember what we did and wish we hadn't done. We can fantasize what we wish had happened, but didn't. Such memories can bring us great emotional pain: pain that can even manifest itself in the physical realm. We might even anticipate other things happening that can "go wrong", or things that we wish would happen but know they can't possibly. We can thus grieve over events of the past, and events of the future, not counting being upset over what is going on at the present time.

This can become a very, very terrible burden to bear. Yet if someone asks us what is wrong, we may very well deny that anything is wrong at all. Either by outright lies, intentional coverups, silence, or, or by burying our pains so deeply we no longer consciously recognize it, we deny that anything is wrong at all. Yet our emotional/spiritual selves will still know that something is wrong, and will react to that.

Each individual needs to advance to the point where he or she can say that his or her own self-identity is more than just the pain that he or she has gone through or anticipates going through. Each person needs to be able to say that it is that person who controls the pain, and the pain no longer controls him or her!

Here is a ceremony you may wish to use to deal with your grief over what was, and over what never was.

1. As usual, smudge yourself and your work area. Smudge any materials that you have brought with you to use. If you do not use smudging they use whatever other system for purifying the area that works best for you.

2. Gather symbolic representations of things you are grieving over. They should be words, letters, symbols, etc. written on pieces of paper. You should also have your fire-proof bowl or can of some kind with you and a lighter.

3. Sit calmly and center yourself. Face the west and ask the guardian spirits of the west to give you strength and to help you in your introspection. Pick up one of the pieces of paper, and read what you have written on it. Why are you grieving over what you have read? What pain do you carry over the event?

3. Hold the paper and say something along the lines of the following:

"Spirit Keepers of the West, source of strength and introspection, help me to understand that what is written on this paper is not me. It is an event of the past that is over and done with, (or it is an event of the future that only might be, or it is an event that we wish had happened but never did, whichever statement is appropriate)."

"Let me release my pain over this event. Let any hold the event has over me spiritually, emotionally, or physically now vanish."

Take your lighter and set the piece of paper on fire. Let the piece drop into your the bowl or can. Watch as the paper and what is written on it is burned up by the flame. Know that the event is now purified, and that you can be purified of the thoughts of the event if you so desire.

When the paper has been consumed by the flame state some form of then say "Ho", "So mote it be"!, or some sort of statement indicating to your conscious mind that the event is over, and that the effects of the event on you are also over.

4. Repeat the above for other pieces of paper with their events. Don't try to do too many at one sitting. You don't have to clear all the past or possible past or future at one sitting.

5. When finished, thank Yanu for his help. Take the ashes from your bowl and bury them. Offer tobacco and cornmeal to the directions before you bury the ashes, and put some of each on top of the burial site.

LET GO OF THE GRIEF!

Doing all the ceremonies in the world will not help you one bit if you are at heart, unwilling to let go of the grief. You must want to be healed before you can be healed!